My husband has been and continues to be very busy at work. He has been working late and has been going in on weekends. I was aware that overtime was going to occur and tried to be prepared for it, but that doesn't make it any easier when he isn't around most evenings and weekends.
There has been the usual stress of starting a new year at school. It has been exacerbated by one of my friend/colleagues being pulled into the math department, another friend/colleague is teaching six periods, so she doesn't have a prep period. Because of these changes, I don't have my usual lunch time buddies and I miss talking and bouncing ideas off of them.
Last week was brutal. I had my first observation (which evaluates me as a teacher) on Tuesday. I went to court with my mother on Wednesday. Thursday was Back-to-School night, which resulted in a fourteen hour day. I made it through Friday, but barely.
It was a busy week, but the thing that took up most of my bandwidth was my mother's assault and burglary case. Due to everything that went on last week, I have been behind at work, which has added to my stress. However, what I wasn't prepared for was the emotional impact of being in the courtroom. I accomplished absolutely nothing last weekend.
Until I saw my mother on the stand, recounting her experience, I don't think I understood how traumatic it had been. Two young men, both around 17 pushed their way into her home, they threatened her with a gun, tied her up, and stole her valuables, including her purse. They told her that if she called the police, they would come back and kill her.
It was hard for me. I can't imagine how difficult it was for the mother of the boy. I can't imagine listening to some woman recounting such a horrible experience and knowing that my child was likely responsible for another person's pain. I don't blame the mom, I grew up in Stockton, I know what challenges that her child and she have likely faced. He is a young black man and his prospects are very limited. That doesn't excuse that he is a criminal and that he threatened my mother, but I know that he likely saw few other options. It was hard seeing a young man, who could have been one of my students, starting down the road of lifetime incarceration.
My mother cannot positively ID either of the two men who assaulted her. The DA can prosecute them for being in a stolen car with stolen property, but that is it. It is likely that the men will get two years in the California Youth Authority and maybe a felony charge on their adult records.
Seeing her on the stand, I realized that my mother is getting old and that she is beginning the slow process of losing her faculties. I experienced this for over 5 years with my father before he passed. I have a good idea what I am likely in for and I know how bad it can be. I am an only child and so while there will be help from my uncles, the majority of the responsibility will fall to me. The feelings of helplessness are overwhelming.
My mother installed an alarm system and my husband and I plan to install web cams outside of her door. The only way she could move is if I buy her house, which then sticks me with a property in Stockton and more debt than I can afford. (She took out a reverse mortgage on the house.) I am worried what happens when those men get out or when their friends decide to get some payback.
I do not know how to cope with everything that is going on. I remind myself that it isn't my place to fix everything. I remind myself that I have a right to live my own life. I'm just not living it.
I spent most of the last weekend sleeping. I am not a nap person, but I took naps on Saturday and Sunday. I have been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I am holding myself together, but by the skin of my teeth. I keep my head buried in my work, I mostly stare at the TV when I am at home. I haven't been able to be social for quite a while. As much as I know that I need in-person interaction, I don't have the bandwidth to deal with my social anxiety.
I've been leaning on a few people in my life. I got the message that I am leaning too hard, so I feel that I should pull back from them too. I don't want to impose, so I am not sure where I can or should turn.
As much as I know that I need to ban "ought to" and "should be" from my vocabulary, those phrases are haunting me. I feel that I should be more attentive of my family. I feel that I ought to be more supportive of my husband while he is working all of this overtime. I know that I am adding to my own stress, but I can't seem to help myself.
I am not asking for help or advice. I have noticed that a couple of people have reached out to ask me why I am not dancing, going to the upcoming gaming convention or doing the other things that I am usually involved in this time of year. While I plan to talk to those kind folks directly, I figured that if there is anything that this blog is good for is to let people know that I am deliberately isolating myself because there is just a lot going on in my life. I know it isn't the healthiest choice, but I only have so much I can spare and right now the basics are all I feel able to do.
I am taking my medications. I am talking to my therapist. I am trying to work through my mental exercises. I am hoping that I will get through this and come out the other side. Thankfully Dickens is coming and my family doesn't make me feel anxious. I can't wait to see them, to play my character and pretend that Rachel's problems don't exist for a little while.
No comments:
Post a Comment