My husband is a great example. I know that I am important to him. However, one of the things that has been challenging is to remember that when he is working a lot of overtime (like he is right now.) While he does his best, he can’t be very attentive when he is working nearly 10 hours a day on top of a significant commute.
It isn’t easy for either of us, and it is something I struggle with rather frequently. We can’t even always discuss it because he will be too tired to have the emotional energy to do so.
In cases like that, there are two people in the relationship, but only one is really putting in the energy. They are sustaining it for the other person because they know, for whatever reason, that their relationship partner is unable to do so. I have also learned with my husband that it will never be an hour to hour exchange. The currency in our relationship is connection and we each express our connection to the other in our own way.
I wish it hadn’t taken two marriages to learn that lesson, but I guess I should be happy I’ve learned it.
My previous husband stopped putting energy into our marriage, but I was slow to realize it. (this is all my opinion, if you want his side, ask him.) Our relationship was on rocky ground and so I decided that I would drop everything I could and focus on us. I gave up dancing, seeing my friends, I even dropped all of my classes that semester so we could do couples therapy. I felt that our relationship was important and my ex, having just started a new job, was pretty overwhelmed. I poured energy into the relationship trying to resolve things.
One night, my ex decided that since I was home, he could go out and leave the kids with me. I was devastated, because it was the day before he was going on a business trip. I don’t remember how I found out, but I learned that he had lied to me about where he was going. I also found out he was lying to his friend and telling this person that I was unwilling to work on our marriage. All of our problems were my fault. (I am of the opinion that my ex was angling to create a relationship with this person after they were able to get rid of me without looking like an absolute cad.)
When I found out, I told his friend, in no uncertain terms, that this had not been the case. I told the friend that I felt that they were enabling my ex’s destructive behavior as well as damaging any hope of our marriage being saved. If this is what the friend wanted to do, that was their business, but I wanted to make sure they were aware of my side so they were able to make informed decisions.
The friend told my ex where to go for telling lies and refused to talk to him again. (This friend helped me pack up the house, load the moving van and settle into my new place. While we aren't close, we are still friendly some thirteen years later. As far as I know, they never spoke to my ex again.)
My ex blew a gasket and dumped me via instant messenger while he was away on a business trip. (I will own that I goaded him, it wasn’t entirely his fault.)
I found out later that my ex hadn’t meant to end the relationship, at least not then. Regardless, it did not matter. That interaction was the last straw. I felt that I had been sustaining the relationship for too long and as soon as I stopped, the relationship disintegrated.
I know I am not perfect, but I believe that I am quite willing to put energy and effort into a relationship that matters to me. Whether it be friendship or something more, I know people go through phases and that people will surge and draw back in emotional relationships. I don’t expect the friend who just had a baby or who just lost his job to spend time listening to my problems. I know that there is a time for patience. I think I am also better about appreciating the different ways people connect to each other.
But my ex also taught me that at a certain point there is no longer a point; a relationship may not be worth salvaging and it will end the minute I stop trying. Now if I only knew the difference between someone who just needs some patience and a relationship that is beyond repair, I would a far wiser and far richer woman.
Today's song came up thanks to Spotify. I am not sure what I like more, the fact it's a waltz (albeit too fast) or because I found it too damn easy to relate to the lyrics.
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