"As long as you'll be my friend at the end..."

I have been stuck watching a lot of television recently. If you would have told me that I would find Supergirl to be something I could identify with, I would have laughed at you.

 Spoilers for Season Three of Supergirl Below

In season three, there have been story lines that have discussed an aging parent with dementia. There is a story line about being a single mother and dealing with the struggle of not being there for your child. There was a story about domestic abuse and the impact on a grown child suffering from PTSD. There is another about getting over past relationships while still having to work together. In another story line a character ended a relationship because the two people involved wanted different things. This has all been in the same season.

Here's an excerpt that made me cheer out loud:

"No, I don't think you do get it. I don't think you get that I gave my heart to a lying jackass, who was unaware of his behavior towards me, who disrespected me at every turn, and now is this reformed person who, what, he wants to reminisce about the good times?"

I won't deny that the show is overacted and hammy, but it's been fun and cathartic. The show is not terribly realistic. The men are  really woke and supportive (most of them). A woman is the CEO of a respected multi-million dollar company and her CFO is successful while also being a single mother. (She has a nanny, see.) Yes, there is a woman who is bullet proof and flies, but that's the gimme and far more realistic than other parts of the show

I have often said that I have been very fortunate in my relationships as I have never been a in an abusive one. Upon due reflection, I am beginning to learn that while abuse is a loaded term, it is applicable to some of my exes. When I have said "fortunate" I meant that I have never been physically assaulted by a partner.

I have had multiple partners to whom I have given my heart, only to end up feeling used and rejected when I asked for my own needs to be met. I am not saying that I have never done anything wrong. I know that it takes two people to make or break a relationship. I make excuses for the way I allow myself to be treated. When I finally do get angry it comes across as unreasonable. It's not anger at one person, it's anger at many people who have done the same thing, trod the same path, because it's the path I offer.

I think I have a better grasp on how to avoid feeling disrespected. I believe the fact that I am not making excuses for Keto is a good step. I think that it's an improvement that I am not wasting time explaining things to him. I have only so much energy these days and telling him what he is doing that is hurtful would be a waste of it. 

I know that I am attracted to people who tend to be emotionally unavailable. Regrettably, that means that I have two exes who have had to go into anger management. I suspect that at least one ex is struggling with narcissistic personality disorder. It has been suggested that another ex struggles with borderline personality disorder. I know I get involved with people who are codependent. I know that I am codependent and have been working very hard to stand on my own. I am not a therapist and even if I were, I am fairly sure that there are some ethical issues with diagnosing someone with whom I have been romantically involved. So I am only making connections, not psychological pronouncements.

What I will do is take the lesson that I have been seeing on Supergirl. A relationship can still hurt, still make you sad, still be painful, long after it's over. One of the characters noted that she still had her ex on speed dial, months after their relationship ended. She told a friend that she wanted to call her ex every day. And every day she made the choice not to, because she knew it was a bad idea. I can't recall a time when I have felt similar before now, but at least my friends and the media tell me I am not alone.

I will also remind myself that my husband is one of the good ones. Our relationship is by no means perfect, but it works for us. I am also fortunate with the friends and relationships I have. I am lucky, because while I have dated some real assholes, I have awesome people who are willing to put up with my poor choices and love me anyway.

Maybe it's my condition and the drugs I am taking, but Supergirl is an awesome show. Today's song was so obvious I couldn't help it. I think I've used it before, but so be it.

Today's Song = Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down