Today I noted to a friend that I am crazy. As I said to them, “I’m hung up on a person who has shown nothing but contempt for me and my feelings. If that’s not insanity, I don’t know what is.”
My therapist and I had a long conversation about my pain during our last session. We discussed ways I can accept and cope with it. The solutions are not magical, but if I can do meditation, it supposed to help. I am not good with meditation, so this is going to take a lot of work.
One of the things that my therapist and I discussed is having goals that I can look forward to. I can’t dance and I don’t know when I will be able to. I have already given up going to Disneyland. I had to cancel going to a convention that I had planned on for months. There are a number of other things that I want to do, but I can’t make plans until I know what I will be capable of. Bloody Hell, I am tired of having my life upended. I just want to have something that won’t be taken away from me.
DA got a few minutes of my last therapy session. My therapist actually agreed with my initial intent. She noted that asking an ex to meet up for coffee (or similar) and establish comfortable boundaries for interaction was not unreasonable, especially given the circumstances of fair.
While I will hold that I could have handled myself better, my therapist noted that when someone baits you, its because they hope you to take the bait and then they can blame you. The minute that DA insisted that his current girlfriend be involved in what amounted to a couple of coffee meet ups, there was no point going forward.
That leads me to fair. It is months away and I am not making decisions, but I know if fair were starting in a few weeks, I couldn’t do it. I can’t wear a corset. I can’t stay on my feet for long periods of time. I also know that I couldn’t emotionally deal with the bullshit.
I tried to ignore DA last season. He made it impossible. To paraphrase a comment by someone else, boundaries only apply to other people, not to DA. I don’t mean to go on about that ass. I just want the life I had back. I have managed to do years of fair without any significant drama. I am tired of not being able to get back what was taken from me.
As I said, I am not making any choices now. I am just recording how I feel, how frustrated and thwarted I feel about all of this stuff. I am angry. I am frustrated. I know that I have a lot of privilege in my life, so regret is this comes off as whining. I just want my fucking life back, no drama at fair, no stupid boys that don’t care about me that I am still stupid about.
I am tired of working so hard. I just want things fixed and resolved.
I have been watching a lot of television. Thank goodness fo streaming services, at least if I have to sit a lot in a semi-stoned state with no plans, at least I’m entertained. One of the songs I heard today made me think about what I wanted to write.
Today’s Song = Cruel to Be Kind by Nick Lowe
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