My cousin Lisa took her own life. She has struggled with substance abuse for years. I do not know why, but she ingested a number of pills while intoxicated with alcohol. Despite the attempts of the ER, the staff was unable to save her.
I am still processing my feelings. I don't think there is anything I could have said or done to make her feel like life is worth living. All I can think is how devastated her parents are. Her sister passed away in 2006. I can't imagine surviving both of my children. However, I know that the demons that haunted her were cruel and heartless. I know that they plagued her deeply.
I am scared. I am taking pain killers that are addictive. I don't know how long I will be taking them. I haven't touched alcohol since this all started. But there are days when I don't think I could wake up to another day of pain and bear it. There are days when I don't see the point in getting out of bed.
Yesterday...
I don't want to talk about yesterday, except to say that I know that if the pain were bad enough and I felt hopeless enough, I would be hard put not to be in the same place.
I don't have a song for today. Nothing seemed right.
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