“I remember everything that you claimed...”

There are days when I wake up and I think I today will be different. I think that I will wake up and I won't be in pain.   Today is not that day.

As I mentioned, DA and I had been talking. It was going poorly, mostly because of me. I noted that I was very ill and in pain and apologized for my behavior. I said that I hoped we could meet up again at some point when I was feeling better, but in the meantime, I wouldn’t be contacting him again while I focused on my recovery. I also asked that we stop communicating via text/e-mail for the time being.

Of course, DA had to get the last word. It doesn’t matter what he wrote or how politely, he shouldn’t have written anything. He could have just accepted my ambiguous “maybe someday”.

Oh no, DA had to carefully explain how we could never be friends and why. After not writing me for over two weeks, he managed to send me multiple emails in one day to explain to me how horrible of a person he thought I was because we fell into the same patterns as before.  

I am not angry that he said no contact or that we can’t be friends. That is his decision and in this case he is obviously right. The reason I am angry is because he didn’t have to follow up today. He could have simply said that we could discuss the matter when I was feeling better. He could have held his “never” until I wasn’t in the midst of multiple medical issues. He didn’t have to be cruel.

I haven’t been doing well and the stress and anger from DA set off a chain reaction. Something snapped and something caused absolutely agonizing pain. I have taken everything in the medical arsenal and I am still hurting like a motherfucker.

My husband is very upset. He blocked DA from my phone (with my permission) and has asked me to never contact DA again. He noted that this isn’t the first time that DA did something so callous, but it will be the last. 

I don’t think DA is responsible for my pain. I have been holding a lot in. I have been surviving from day to day, barely holding together. I am fragile. DA just triggered an emotional avalanche, he was merely the loud crack, the falling mountain had little to do with him. He was just his usual asshole self.

I just wish, even though I know it’s impossible, that DA could get a taste of what his actions feel like. I wish he could feel what it’s like to have someone that you have cared for, supported, and loved just turn their back on you when you are feeling so desperately low. I wish he knew what it was like to get stabbed in the gut when you are already bleeding on the floor. 

I really can’t complain, Karma has been very kind to me. I have had the joy of living well while my exes have dealt with mistakes they made because they were trying to screw me over. Maybe I will get as lucky in the future. 

Todays song is going obvious.

Today’s Song - What goes around...comes back around by Justin Timberlake