My husband and I had a long conversation about my relationship with DA. My husband is very worried about me. While I was crying, my husband told me that I need to “let him go”. He’s not wrong, but his timing left something to be desired.
Yes, I need to let DA go. Water is wet and the sun rises in the east. I get it, I get it. I blocked him on social media. As I noted my husband went through and deleted him from my phone.
I know it was wrong, but I decided I wanted the final fucking word.
I emailed:
I thought you meant what you wrote when you declared that reestablishing our friendship would be a difficult and painful process. I was heartened when you said what we meant to each other made the work worthwhile. It gave me hope after our last phone call.
Life has been challenging and depressing for the past few weeks. I needed hope. Our last phone call was the one of the few things that got me through some very painful days. Please don’t hold it against me for clinging to the idea that someone I once called my best friend was a person who would sympathize and forgive me, even if I didn’t deserve it.
I regret you had to be so harsh before I understood that you can never again be my friend.
I will do my best to let go. I will try to shut off the feelings that I was set up to fail and that a certain girlfriend is the reason that DA was more of an ass than usual. I know in situations like this the reasons are not logical and not worth asking about.
I know I can’t make any long term choices right now. I am still trying to figure out what’s medically wrong and how long I am going to have to deal with this pain. One of the things I am considering is taking a year off from the Christmas Fair. I couldn't wear a corset in my current state, for one thing.
However it is also because my past. I am tired of having to watch my every step and every word. I am tired of having to play nice. I can’t imagine coexisting with someone who treated me with such callousness when I was already in such pain. I feel like I wouldn’t be missed, whereas if DA or “the ex” were to skip the fair, it would be a problem for The Powers That Be. I
I know I don’t have to make a choice today or even soon. This is a blog, I am spitballing ideas so I can process. Today I am trying to understand what I did to deserve to be treated like this. I want to know why I feel like I am the one who is getting punished. What did I do wrong?
I don't need to keep going, today is not a good day, I am in pain. I am hurting. I just need to get through this and hope it gets better.
I don't feel like a sad song about letting go. Fuck that noise. I chose a song that makes me feel better. I wish I felt like this more often.
Today's Song - Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels by Todrick Hall
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