“Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear...”

It’s 2:30 in the morning. I go to the urologist today. I’m not sure what scares me more, the doctor knowing what’s wrong and it being something serious or the doctor not knowing. All I know is that I am so tired of being in pain. It’s been a month of having to take medsthat are screwing with my body, brain, and sleep cycle.

I guess it’s allowed me to see who I can depend on.

• Keto does not know what to do. He was never someone that I would turn to for support, but his utter lack of trying is disappointing.
• KzF is kind without being pushy. I could lean on him more, but I don’t feel comfortable doing so.
• My friends have been thoughtful and supportive, although I haven’t really been reaching out.
• Rope Guy has been stalwart and compassionate. I continue to be grateful to have him in my life. 
• My husband has been trying so hard and this sort of thing is not his emotional forte. I’m proud of how much he’s grown and happy to reap the benefits.

It’s just my stupid luck that I approached DA for the first time in months and asked about seeing each other a week before this began. As anyone could have predicted, things went very badly. I would have understood if he’d requested that we try again at some later point. I did explain why things went south on my end and I apologized.

In response, he’s ghosting me. The cowardly motherfucker couldn’t even find the decency to say that he wanted radio silence. I had to figure it out.

I would understand if I had engaged in stalkerish behavior or something. But I don’t think I did. I have tried to be respectful. What’s even worse is that I believe he’s been reading my tarot blog. It’s sort of obvious if there isa ping on the blog right after I contact him, a blog I hadn’t updated in three days. 

In my more paranoid moments, I think he’s somehow reading this blog. When we were still communicating, he quoted this blog to prove a point. The entry was one from right before I moved it and then made it log in only. But how did he have the perfect quote on hand? 

Look, my brain gets it. He’s trash and I’m better off without him. However, when I’m in pain and emotionally defenseless, his actions cut deep. What’s truly frustrating is that I know we were never happy. We had a toxic relationship and I spent most of it forgiving his mistakes. I know I engaged in behaviors I’m not proud of. I think his ex, that has caused me so much grief is a right Berk. However, I better understand why he behaved the way he did after DA cut him off. DA really brings out the worst in some people.

So I’m in pain, pissed off and emotionally hurting. Just because I know it’s stupid doesn’t make it any easier nor does it prevent me from waking in the middle of the night and crying. I know it’s not really about DA, it’s just easier for my brain to focus on that rat bastard then some mysterious medical malady that no one can diagnose.

What song is better than one that starts, “I can’t get to sleep...” and goes on to worrying about nothing? 




Today’s Song - Overkill by Men At Work