"I was kinda hoping this was all a stupid phase..."

First, I want to say that I had a very good weekend. I spent time with good friends. I went dancing. I got some much needed rest and relaxation.

I also realized something this past weekend. When I internalize something, it goes very deeply. So I am going to tell a story about internalizing and friendship and why it's very hard for me not to bash on someone who I will call Kevin.

Kevin was a friend of a friend. When he came to Dickens fair, I took to him immediately. He seemed nice and he was very pretty. I nicknamed him. He was tickled by the name and it stuck. He started dating one of our boys, so he became like a part of our Dickens family.

A few months later, that member of our Dickens family passed away. Kevin called me and we talked on the phone commiserating and sharing memories. I know how much Kevin loved that young man and it was a tragic loss. Kevin and I stayed in touch. He visited the next year at Dickens, spending a lot of time with the group. He felt like a natural fit, so the friend who brought him and I both suggested he audition and become an official member for the next season.

I was in the midst of getting my masters, so I didn't see much of Kevin during the rest of the year, but I didn't see much of anyone. I wasn't aware of Kevin's dating life, which included a fairly brief relationship with Benjamin.

The next year of Dickens fair, I came to rehearsals and the fair itself with work, reading and drafts. I missed over half of the run because I was so knee-deep in my masters, which had to be finished in a few months. Kevin integrated into the group and while he talked about this boy or that, I wasn't around enough to realize that he had any particular feelings for someone.

Benjamin and Becca were friends of Kevin, so they came to fair to see him. Benjamin and I clicked from the get go. We both asked Kevin to pass our information to the other. As I recall it, Kevin said that he and Benjamin had dated but that the relationship had been over for a while and that they were just friends. He seemed happy enough to introduce us to each other. I was later told that I should have known better and I suppose that's a valid argument. I am going to stick with expecting that if Kevin didn't want Benjamin and me to date, he should have said something other than, "I think it would be great if Benjamin and you got together, he's going to be at a dance event next week."

Benjamin and I fell for each other and fell hard. At first Kevin seemed supportive. The three of us would do things together, like movies, hiking or attending events together. Becca joined us too and seemed to appreciate the new dynamic. After a while, though, I began to notice that there were always issues. If the three of us were together, Kevin would throw a fit if he felt like he wasn't getting sufficient attention. I tried to be understanding.  In retrospect, I feel I was enabling Kevin's behavior. I didn't see how much I was putting up with. Benjamin valued his relationship with Kevin. I valued my friendship with Kevin, which was becoming very close. I thought that we could all make it work. I don't think I saw how much work it was taking.

I have to say, Kevin seemed like a wonderfully positive addition to my life. I had a friend who encouraged me to dance and get out. I was so stressed with writing and study that someone telling me to engage in healthy and fun activities was just the thing. It was thanks to Kevin that I attended my first contra camp, got back into ballroom dancing and even went back to Irish. Kevin and I taught waltz classes together. He was a joy to dance with.

We talked all the time. Kevin would chat with me throughout our day. We talked about work, the dance community, and our relationship woes.  I felt like Kevin had become one of my closest friends. I think I put up with a lot from him because I felt like he put up with a lot from me. I knew by this time that Kevin had significant feelings for Benjamin, but I thought that he was working through them. I felt like our talks were positive

I used to be part of a Renaissance Fair Dance troupe. Life, school and other things (some of it related to my divorce) took me away from the group for a number of years. Kevin and Benjamin, who were both involved with the group, encouraged me to come back. My masters was written and turned in and so I started attending rehearsals.

It was wonderful to be back, I hadn't realized how much I missed the dancers and performing with them. I happily took a spot for an upcoming weekend. I put together garb (a costume) and Benjamin and I agreed to camp together. Kevin was going up early, so he offered to hold a spot for the tent.

It was a long drive to the campsite. Benjamin and I were coming up after work, so it was nearly 10 when we arrived. I don't know the whole story, so I'll just relate what I remember. Kevin was upset. He wanted to talk to Benjamin. Benjamin and I were very tired and just wanted to set up our tent and get some sleep. We got the tent set up, but despite repeated refusals from both of us, Kevin insisted on talking. We asked if it couldn't wait until morning, but Kevin grew very insistent and started yelling. I stayed in the tent, exhausted and simply not up to having any emotional conversations. Benjamin went outside and tried to talk to Kevin. After a while, Benjamin gave up and came back to the tent. Kevin sat outside the tent, crying and yelling for what seemed like a long time. Another person in our camping group finally dragged Kevin away. Benjamin and I stayed in the tent, horrified at the behavior, with no idea what to do.

The next day was awful. It was my first time back with the dance group. I felt like I was in the midst of a drama storm. Benjamin and I both tried to mitigate the damage, but I know I was mortified. We were able to make a sort of peace with Kevin, but it was tenuous at best.  Benjamin and I left the weekend unsure if we would be welcome back after the fuss that the three of us had caused.

I do not know what happened, but Kevin stayed in the dance group. Benjamin and I both felt that we would not be welcome and I have not attended a rehearsal since. I have seen the group at a couple of events (where Kevin was not present), and while they were happy enough to allow me to dance, no mention was made about me joining them for any performances. I recently spoke to the couple that hosts rehearsals and I felt like they reaffirmed that they didn't want any drama brought to their home, so I should stay away, since Kevin was still a member of the group.

I was hurt and angry. Kevin and I were able to patch things up, There was a lot of pressure to simply let the incident go and I did, because having felt pushed out of one dance group, I was afraid to be excluded from any others; I was afraid to make waves.

Benjamin and Kevin tried to keep their friendship for a few more months, but Benjamin realized that Kevin was still hoping that the two of them would resume dating. He felt that Kevin would not accept anything else. Feeling that conflicts like what happened at the campground would continue, Benjamin cut Kevin out of his life.

I saw what a hard choice that was for Benjamin. He lost a close friend, the first one he made in the area. He also felt that since he was the one who ended the friendship, he should let Kevin keep the social stuff. Benjamin withdrew from the dance community and many other social venues that he shared with Kevin.

I attempted to maintain my friendship with Kevin. I listened to him rage about Benjamin (whom I was still dating at the time). During one of his rages, I discovered that Kevin blamed me for the relationship ending. He called me a slut and a whore who had stolen Benjamin away, stating that I should have known how they felt about each other. Kevin started treating me like I was a pariah in the very group I had invited him to join. Due to a number of related issues, I felt pushed from the group and gave up Dickens fair for the rest of that season. I also cut Kevin out of my life.

I stopped dancing. If there was a  venue for which Kevin was a part, he made sure to make it as uncomfortable as possible for me to attend. After feeling that no one was willing to say anything, I gave up. I was already depressed and having health issues. I couldn't fight against a social blackballing too.

That was over a year ago. I am far more guarded in my emotional friendships and its only recently that I am trying to reach out to people again. I started dancing in a new dance community. I have explored new social venues. I don't think I realized how much of that was tied up with my feelings regarding Kevin until yesterday morning.

Saturday night I went to a dance event where Kevin is an organizer. I have avoided it for that reason. However, Kevin was away at a dance camp, so I felt it was safe to attend. I had forgotten how much I love modern ballroom and how much I missed it. I think it was easier not to think about it because most of the ballroom venues meant dealing with Kevin in one way or another.

After the dance on Saturday, Benjamin and I discussed whether or not we felt comfortable attending other dance venues. There are issues between us, but we have already demonstrated that we can be at the same venue and it doesn't get to awkward.  It has been over a year and we feel that if Kevin can't deal with us attending, that's his problem. However, in talking about the situation, I spoke the words that Kevin spoke to me. I heard myself say that I was a slut and whore. The vitriol and bile dripping from my tone.

I know what Kevin brings to a social situation. He is dynamic and charismatic. He's a good organizer and teacher. He has good ideas and when he's motivated, he makes things happen. I don't know if people see the cost or if they even care. I am not the only friend that Kevin has driven away from the dance community. As far as I am aware, only one community requested that Kevin change his behavior or leave. Kevin was asked to leave the Dickens group I invited him into. I do not know if he realizes that I had nothing to do with the request. He acted out at a cast party. That was the final straw, the director asked him to find another group. (I was not at the cast party mostly because I didn't want to deal with Kevin.) I won't say that Kevin's behavior toward me didn't contribute to his being kicked out, but I had been told that he would be given another chance. It was his behavior at the cast party that blew that chance.

The Dickens group was very quiet about it. We knew that there were other groups that would love to have Kevin's energy and charisma. The group had no problem with Kevin participating at Dickens, they just didn't want him in our group. Kevin was very passive aggressive about it, posting to Facebook about the unfairness of it all and stated that if he couldn't be in our group, he would not do Dickens. He called Benjamin  an abusive ex-boyfriend. Kevin also posted about the horribly mean and accusatory e-mails I had sent over a year prior. He posted about how I drove him from his only connection to our mutual friend who had passed away. There were a number of people who believed him, so while it was a better Dickens' season, I still felt like I had to defend or explain myself.

This past weekend, Kevin again referred to Benjamin as his abusive ex-boyfriend. While I disagree with that characterization, I felt that Kevin could state the story anyway he wanted on Facebook or his personal social media. However this time Kevin made the reference  in an e-mail to a group of dance organizers, leaders in the larger community.

The words "abusive ex-boyfriend" has some very heavy connotations. I feel that it is a step to far. The dance community tries to protect people. If someone is called abusive, they are removed until the charges (because that's what they are) are investigated. The community defaults on the side of caution, because dancing often involves close contact. I agree that the relationship was abusive, but I saw many more incidents where Kevin was the instigator. I never saw Benjamin act with anything but compassion and understanding, even in situations where most people would have lost their cool.

Kevin called Benjamin's friend, who was visiting from the East Coast for his birthday, a bitch and physically threatened her. He showed up on Benjamin's door on more than one occasion, demanding to be let in for the purposes of talking. When he was not let in, he sat on the stoop for hours. He has hurt people and then dismissed his behavior as something he was driven to.

There are many of you who know to whom I am referring. I have kept quiet, suppressing my feelings and what happened for the sake of social normalization and because I felt like I was at fault.

I will not deny that I was angry and sent Kevin a very nasty message over 18 months ago. I do not regret it. It was between the two of us and while it was probably written to be hurtful, I was explaining why I was ending our friendship. I expressed my anger and frustration. I have not contacted Kevin in any way since and have avoided him out of social courtesy.

I will agree that Benjamin is Kevin's ex-boyfriend. They dated briefly in February of 2014 until April of 2014. They have both corroborated those dates. Given that Kevin chose to maintain a relationship with Benjamin afterward, I find it hard to believe Kevin's claim that Benjamin was abusive. Benjamin was the one who ended the friendship in November of 2015. The term "abusive ex" was not said publicly until a year later (as far as I am aware).

I have struggled with this scenario for a long time. I am upset that I felt driven out of the dance troupe. I am frustrated that I gave up ballroom dancing. I feel like I let my tendencies as the adult child of an alcoholic distort my view of the situation and gave Kevin far more social capital than he deserves.

I know this has been a lot of trash talking, although I am trying to keep it to things where I was directly involved. I am also writing this out because I fully want to own that I enabled Kevin's behavior and that I made excuses for it. I was so worried about losing my place in the community that I let myself get hurt and let others get hurt as well.

I want to face my fear that people wouldn't like me. But I also want to know if I am missing something. Why do people allow Kevin's behavior to continue? Is this normal?