I let myself get overwhelmed. I have trouble taking into account that if I get emotionally hit when there is a lot going on, it is hard not to crash and burn. I am riding a bit too close to that edge.
I know my director means well (and they can't read this, so please don't share). I know they felt like they were warning me. They told me that my blog was a problem and that they were told that by the Powers that Be. It seems that my director did not push back at the PTB and ask "what is it that Rachel wrote, in the past year, that is a problem?" My director seems to have told the management that they would talk to me. Before talking to me, my director looked at my tarot blog and drew some very wrong conclusions. When they told me about their conclusions, on a conference call with a number of other people, I just shut down. I listened with half an ear to the rest of the call while I methodically erased the blog from view.
I am not going to defend blogging. I know that some people dislike it and dislike how I do it. However, as I keep saying, no one has to read it. Further, I don't use names, dates, or other identifying information. I am tired of not being allowed some privacy.
Instead of feeling supported, I'm going into this weekend frustrated. There are already too many variables in my life for me to feel comfortable coping with yet another set. I think I am going to be in full anxiety mode. Teaching two different workshops on the first day means I am not comfortable using my anxiety meds. I may have to revisit that come tomorrow night or Saturday morning. I am not sure what I will need to do to balance functional with calm.
Some of the variables that aren't a problem this weekend, but are in my life:
Keto wrote me a very sweet email apologizing for the misunderstanding about our dinner date and asking how to solve some of our other communication errors. I haven't the foggiest what to suggest and honestly, I can't think of what I want to do about it. I responded but not with any resolutions, just a request that we talk after this weekend.
LT has been doing some processing of his grief and figuring out where he is feeling. I thought I was going to take a big step back, but that hasn't been the case. There is one thing I can provide that seems to be helpful and also somewhat unique. He needs the sort of affirmation that comes from a lover. I don't know how to explain it better. He needs someone to tell him that he's handsome, clever, and smart. It's the one thing that family and friends can't provide.
I wondered how I ended being the best candidate and then I realized I am someone who understands, appreciates and in many instances, shares his hobbies. When I tell him that his song is a good one, that his performance is nuanced or that he looks good, it's meaningful because I know what I am talking about. Further, we can talk about feelings and desires because I won't judge him for having them so soon after he lost his wife. As someone who teaches psychology, he trusts me when I say that none of what he tells me surprises me.
I regret that we live so far apart and that what we can build together will always be subject to the mountain that separates us. I have the feeling that is how it's supposed to go. I guess we will see.
I am not sure why, but Pink Floyd keeps coming up for me, but I suppose it's a phase. Regardless, once again, they provide today's song, because it seems my best outcome for this weekend.
I often wonder what interacting with the world feels like for other people. What is it like not to consider and control every aspect of what you say, how you look, and what people think of you? Yes, I know that I can't control what people think of me, but that doesn't stop me from trying.
From 2007 until 2016, the fair was where I felt like I could be most myself. It is the only place where I am out as being poly and kinky. I took the gibes and teasing about being a slut because I felt it was said with love and understanding. In 2016 the word slut was used against me and I haven't felt like I can be myself ever since.
I have been involved with fair since 2001. There was one thing I held onto like a lifeline. Do not fish off the company pier. I would flirt, but I never dated anyone I met at fair or who worked it. The problems I have been dealing with since 2016 are because I made an exception to that policy. Of course, the one time I make an exception has done nothing but bite me in the ass.
My director called a meeting last night. They wanted to tell me that
there were some concerns about my blog again. I haven't the foggiest
which blog they were talking about, since they were told this a month
ago. What frustrates me is that while my director referred to the tarot
blog, I really don't understand how it's relevant to the Powers that Be.
Regardless, I pulled the blog and moved it. If I decide to start
posting in it again, I will decide what I want to do then.
I am fully aware that I have my crazy, my obsessive and my stupid. I write it out to purge it, to get rid of the anxiety that plagues me every time I interact in public. I don't stalk exes. I don't trash talk people who have a beef with me and gossip about them. In public I have always done my best to maintain a calm and cool demeanor. I challenge anyone to tell me when I have acted out in public, when I have thrown a tantrum, screamed and shouted or otherwise behaved in an inappropriate manner.
When I write blog entries, I express how I feel. I am honest and forthcoming. I purge my anger and my frustration in a way that keeps my friends informed about how I am feeling in a safe and passive way. There is no one that I require or expect to read anything I write. As my husband put it, I am shouting into the darkness and I have given a few people a light which they can turn on or not.
Even with the tarot blog, which was public, the same applied. No one was required to read it. If they chose to, it's not my job to police people. If someone is my ex and chose to read my vitriol, that's on them. I mention this because one ex told me how every time I called them a coward, bastard, cheater, and liar it hurt their feelings and made them feel bad. (We will ignore the fact that with the exception of the person's parentage, I can back up each one of those adjectives with an incident.) I will admit that I wasn't always nice to this person in our written correspondence. However, the majority of the name calling was in my blog, which they assured me that they had no interest in reading. Why did I write those things about my ex in my blog? Because it's inappropriate to say or write those things to someone directly, but it was how I felt and still feel about their actions. I think they cheated on me. I think they lied to me. I think they were a coward and were unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. While not technically a bastard, it was a better epithet than fuckwad or useless snot bubble.
What I want people to understand is that the calm veneer that I hope most of you see is because I have and use a reliable outlet. I have rarely text bombed someone. I don't call an ex, repeatedly, night after night. I don't show up unannounced and uninvited to where my ex lives. I don't talk trash an ex's new relationships to anyone who will listen. I don't call people names or threaten them to their face. (I do call people names in my head and even to friends, but I don't think I have ever threatened violence. I know that I don't deserve a medal for this. I understand that any of the described actions are inappropriate behavior.
I was really bad some 20+ years ago and did some of those things to an ex. I learned how to handle myself, my anxiety and my stress. There have been two people since then that have been able to shake my control. Even then, even when I absolutely lost it, I did not engage in threatening or dangerous behavior (that I am aware of). I will say that I have tried calling someone to clear something up and when I have been hung up on, I have called back. If that doesn't work, I try to let it go. Again, this has only applied to two people that I can think of.
I have written emails I am not proud of. Yes, that's correct, I wrote emails which the recipeient did not have to read or respond to. That is what I do when I am at my worst. (I am not saying that the emails I sent were acceptable or appropriate, but given the public scenes I have witnessed, I think that on a scale of 1-10 an email is a 4-5 tops.)
I do not know how the rest of the world handles their anger, anxiety, frustration, and pain. I only know what works for me. I write it out. If you know who I mean when I mention someone, I expect that you will keep it to yourself or, as some of you have done, contact me or comment with your take on what I say. I have always tried to welcome a dialog or at least listen when challenged.
What I do not appreciate is being told to keep silent. I really hate when someone (often with a penis, but not always) decides that I am not allowed to have or express an opinion that they disagree with.
Here's a hint, if you aren't talking to me, then I get to think whatever I want about you. If you choose to engage with me to offer me another perspective, that's fine. I cannot judge intentions, only actions. I stand by what I say, what I do and what I write. I try to admit when I am wrong and I have apologized when I have taken something too far. I am not psychic and it's entirely possible that I don't know or understand something.
I have no illusions that I am always honorable or even right. I just know what seems to work for me to deal with my anxiety and depression. Writing is cheaper than therapy and I have yet to sit someone in a chair ala Clockwork Orange and force them to read the mud that my brain stirs up.
I am going to see what the management has to say about my blog. I would hate to step away from a hobby I love. However, I don't see giving up my path to sanity because someone decided that they didn't agree with an expressed opinion. Unless I say that it's Colonel Mustard, in the Library, with the lead pipe, then what I am writing is not about Colonel Mustard, the library or an opinion on how I feel about percussively murderous damage done with plumbing implements! It's not about you, it's about me.
Show me a place where I mentioned you by a real name, location or a gave identifying personal details and I will apologize, remove or edit the post and endeavor to never do it again. However, if you can't do that and/or you don't want to talk to me, please just go fuck yourself and leave me alone to live my life without your drama in it.
Pink Floyd managed to capture my frustration and mood today, so they provide today's song.
This past week I have had reason to remember that my intuition and gut feelings can be really damn accurate.
LT and I finally had our chat. The feelings I’ve had for the past week were on the nose. I felt it Sunday and since, now I know why. I can’t say much without violating his confidence. Lefty Teacher asked that we take the fair season as an opportunity to take a breather. He has to process some stuff of his own before he can be in a relationship with anyone.
That’s the thing, we want to have a relationship. It may just be a friendship, perhaps it will be something more. Whatever it is, LT made it clear that it’s because he’s having feelings and some are about me and some are about his wife. He has stuff to deal with.
It might be hindsight bias and confirmation bias, but I knew these obstacles were likely. I was not hurt or surprised by our conversation this morning. I was resigned. I will be patient, because it will likely be worth it. My gut told me this when I met him.
There was a time when I trusted my gut implicitly. That changed when I allowed myself to believe someone who told me that my gut feelings were wrong. What’s funny is that they rarely were. I don’t know why I ever believed otherwise.
I know my gut isn’t 100%, but it’s been a good guide. It was when I stopped listening that I got hurt. So, I am going pay better attention to my instincts and intuition.
My gut is telling me not to be fussed about LT, so I am going to try and be patient and let things progress. I see the potential for a very good friend in the future and that’s more important to me than the shiny he is now. I am also very proud of us for how well he articulated his needs and how well I communicated mine. What could have been a very difficult situation worked out rather amicably.
I felt so much better this morning and was happy to see that the dumb jokes we've already established are just as goofy as ever. I was scared that I would lose the kernel of what we are establishing. That seems intact. Does it matter if it needs some time to blossom?
That leaves one other thing nagging at me. There is a dream I keep having. I’ve spent too much time studying and teaching psychology to believe that dreams have meaning. I believe that dreams are the brain’s way of clearing the mental cache. It’s just processing. But if a dream is repeating with the same message, then something is stuck and the cache isn't getting cleared out. I think that is what is happening to me. There is something that my brain hasn't been able to process through. I guess I need some mental root rooter. With that in mind, here is what I can remember, maybe that will help purge it?
I’m lying down and facing someone with whom I’m sharing a bed. The room is dark, only the ambient glow from the window giving form to the shadows. The person I am facing desperately wants to talk but they are having trouble forming the words. They get so frustrated that they are close to crying, I feel tears when I touch their face.
Then I wake up. The dream is always the same person, but the environment feel different, like we’re in a different room each time I dream.
Each time I have the dream, I can't get back to sleep. One time I wrote a tarot entry and that seemed to help. The other times I was just overwhelmed and cried a little.
When I have a dream like this, I feel like my brain is telling me to do something or be ready for something. In this case I haven’t the foggiest clue. All I know is that I wish I could help the person in my dream. They seem so desperately unhappy. However, what my dream means and what I am struggling with still isn't clear. In the past, these things work themselves out, I just have to be patient and not force it.
I really hate being patient.
I chose this gem from the 1980s because it seemed to fit on a number of levels, for LT and for my dreams.
Today's Song - I Just Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew
I am in a crappy mood. Maybe it's hormonal, I don't know, but I wish I weren't at work or dealing with the world today.
1) LT and I have had a communication issue. I am getting fussed. I tried to be direct. I am waiting to hear back. I am hoping that it's just because of timing.
2) Keto pushed for a conversation yesterday. Thankfully, it did not go long or get combative. Regrettably, it did not resolve any of the issues. How do I explain to someone that fitting them into a packed schedule when we have had minimal contact and communication isn't worth my time?
3) Someone shared information with me regarding the upcoming mediation. I saw it in the early morning, I took it poorly, made some assumptions and popped off.
When I considered the information again, it seems that the choice was made by the other party a few days ago, before the Powers That Be communicated with me. I guess what I wrote yesterday had nothing to do with the other party's decision. It was already made.
It will probably make things easier for the season and I appreciate that. However, it means that I haven't the foggiest how to attend dance events that this person is associated with. I hoped that if I waited long enough (like over three damn years), I could at least attend events. I still feel that it wouldn't be wise.
My life is a good one. I really realize that. That's why I think this is hormonal and/or chemical. I will have my meds looked at ASAP.
Sorry for the drama folks.
Today's Song is just a general declaration of how I am feeling.
Today's Song - I Don't Care Anymore by Phil Collins
Last night I had a lovely experience. I spoke to LT about something difficult. He spoke to me and we managed to resolve it without drama. Who knew? (Pardon my sarcasm.)
Keto is difficult to communicate with, but he isn't much for drama. Rope Guy is unusual because of his primary partner (who is a professional in the psychology field). There isn't "drama". There may be emotional expressions of processing. I don't mean to suggest all of my communications with lovers past and present are drama-filled. But the conversation between LT and I could have gone very wrong last night and I am so thrilled that it didn't. It was a wonderful change from other relationships where even the simplest conversations turned into a morass of accusations and hurt feelings.
What was different? First of all, we didn't text. In fact, I said that texting would be a bad idea. He agreed and we arranged a time for a short phone call. Then we both talked on the phone. We listened to each other, shared feelings and had an open exchange of ideas. We compromised where we had to and found common ground in other areas.
I don't want to tell tales, so please forgive me for being vague. As I have mentioned, LT is a widower. There was concern that I could easily end up being a grief counselor or something that would not be constructive for either of us. We have poked at that a couple of time and LT is really good about making it clear that he is not asking for another therapist. I try to be really careful that I only give him observations about what I am seeing and what my experience suggested as a good idea. As an example, he complained about feeling really down when we were talking on a Monday. I asked him, "Do you just need to tell someone or do you want an observation?"
He immediately said that he didn't want me to play therapist. I assured him that I had no interest in analyzing him. He agreed that I could share my observation.
I observed that he had spent a really fun weekend interacting with friends and participating in a hobby he really enjoys. It would be expected that he would be experiencing some serotonin drop after three rather intensive days. I noted that he could get some sun, have some dark chocolate and recognize that his feelings were normal. He thanked me and we continued on to another topic. We have done that a number of times, where we will feel that we are nearing a pathway that is getting close to therapy and we recognize it and put it aside.
We have only known each other about a month, so the "Where is this going talk" would normally be a bit premature. However, with the advent of fair (and the fact that every weekend is busy) means that we had to have enough of discussion to determine if "this" is worth making an effort.
Here was the amazing part. I said some really difficult things that I was scared would be received badly. Instead of being insulted, LT thanked me for my frank realizations and willingness to discuss things openly. We agreed that we would like to continue to see each other. We believe that a Friends With Benefits is probably the best option given our current situation. We will get together when we can, but with the understanding that we are both teachers with limited bandwidth. LT is going to visit fair, at least once. I don't know how much we will see each other through the end of the year, but we agreed that some predictability would best address his needs and suit mine. I can understand this. It will be his first holidays without his partner. I can only imagine how difficult that will be.
I won't be inviting him to share the holidays with me. He has family and friends that have already said that they will take care of him. I am impressed at how much support he has in his life and I am glad of it. I always knew how important it is to have friends that aren't necessarily shared with a spouse or partner. It really seems to help to have college roommates and others with whom he can talk to without the loss of his partner being something to discuss or process.
One thing we did discuss openly (that I feel I can share) is that it's easy for me to go into "partner mode". I know how to share a kitchen, share a bed, and fall into companionable silence. It is really easy to do with LT and there is a partner shaped hole in his life. He doesn't want a partner and I don't want to be his. (I do like him, but I have a partner.) We addressed it and decided on a couple of ways to avoid falling into that pattern. We did agree that we would still cook together, because that is something we both enjoy and it's something I do with other people I date. So like we established boundaries that suit us both and meet our needs. How crazy is that?
In other words, we had the "where is this relationship going?" talk without it being a big deal or terribly painful. It's sweet, he likes it when I call him shiny and is quite happy to be referred to as Rachel candy. I am quite happy to be a friend with benefits who can enjoy him without it taking up my whole (rather busy) life.
After the past few years, it was a relief that last night's conversation went as well as it did. It was nice to come to bed after a phone call where I wasn't angry or crying. My partner certainly appreciated it.
So today's song is because LT performs barbershop. He has a baritone that is to die for. I tried to find something that he would like, but this will have to do:
LA Guy texted me this morning. In the text he referred to me as Ms. Popular. From his perspective, I can understand his point. I had more going on this past weekend than I could possibly attend. He certainly didn't get any of my attention.
It was also a very emotional weekend. I am still working out the feelings and processing. So, I would like to note the fact that I am talking about feelings. It's not that I don't have feelings, it's just that I have been trained that they are not something to talk about. Everything I am bringing up in this entry are things I have spoken about with friends or partners over the past few days. That is an improvement for me.
Trepidation
I am going to get the easy one out of the way. The person I mentioned previously didn't contact me. They did contact The Powers that Be (TPB) and requested that we have the mediation. I received the request from the TPB last night. I know text can easily be misinterpreted, but I was not thrilled with the tone of the message. Regardless, everyone is aware of the complaints and so hopefully they will be addressed. But as I said before, I see the potential to be screwed over because I am trying to be fair.
Anger
DA recently accused me of using a mutual friend's concern as an excuse to engage with him. By engaging with him, he means that he was included on a group chat because the issue directly impacted him. I told all of the members of the group chat my concern and told them that was all I had to say. DA actually had the last word. I never addressed him directly and I kept the conversation as short as possible. When the group chat was started up by another member of the group a couple of days later, I specifically requested that we take it to another forum and leave DA out of it.
I realized yesterday how angry his accusation makes me feel. DA was with me when the mutual friend went through a really horrific experience. DA saw how worried I was about my friend and how hard I worked to help them. If there is anyone outside of my husband who knows how important this friend is to me, it would DA. For him to use that experience and even suggest that I would use that friend as a reason to contact him after months of silence is beyond the pale. I know it isn't that serious of an offense in some ways, but honestly for me it was the last straw. I am so done with being at fault for everything that ever went wrong between us. There was no sadness, no missing him, no wondering what I could have done better. All I felt was anger that after so many years he would accuse me of using a friend as a way to get his attention for a couple of minutes. It's like he thinks he still matters to me. (All right, he does matter, but only for my own emotional processing that has everything to do with my issues and nothing to do directly with him. I have not intentionally asked him for any support in over a year.) I have no reason to contact him personally. This was business and once the business was concluded, I didn't keep the chat open for pleasantries or chat.
On the other hand, he used something one of the other group members related to him later to pick a fight and then got pissy when I called him to resolve the damn thing. Yes, I should have ignored him and just not answered his email. I didn't, I called and tried to settle things. He got very angry at me and told me to stop calling him.
I have and I will. But fuck me, I am tired of that asshole picking fights and poking at me indirectly and then getting angry when I react.
Frustration
Communicating with Keto has never been particularly easy. I am really done with trying. I suggested to him that we could meet early on our usual date night and figure out the rest of the year, since my life will be tied up with fair and holidays. He agreed.
On the night in question, Keto stood me up.
He said he forgot. He didn't text me until the usual time and was surprised I had gone home. I skipped the munch we usually attend together., because I couldn't people. When I pushed a bit, he didn't seem to understand that I had been waiting for two hours to see him. He just said he was running late. Later, I got a passive aggressive message letting me know when he was going to be in my area over the weekend.
I didn't bother to answer.
I don't know how to explain to him that if he is going to live on a fucking mountain and not have cell service or internet, he has to set up ways to talk and make plans. I can't keep doing the footwork. I don't have the time or patience.
I am not sure how I am going to talk to him about this...since I would have to bloody well talk to him!
Empathy
LT and I spent some considerable time together on Saturday. I think it went well, although things feel awkward right now because we are trying to figure out how to communicate on a regular basis without texting. I am trying not to internalize all the brain weasels this has brought up for me, because I am seeing this a a me problem. LT made a request, I can accommodate it. I am just waiting for him to tell me what form of communication he would prefer.
I am not always the most empathic person. It isn't that I can't tell what someone is feeling or even consider how I would feel in the same situation. But I rarely have a deeply emotional reaction to how someone else is feeling. I think between my parents and some past relationships, I have built up walls so I don't get sucked into someone else's morass.
Because of where LT lives and the roads between his place and mine, I spent the night much sooner than I might have otherwise. I figured I would be polite and I even mentioned sleeping on his couch or guest bed. He didn't take me up on my offer. We shared a bed.
I think I understand why he wanted to share a bed and it made me so sad. His reason (if I understand it correctly) is something I take for granted. I don't know who woke up first, but we both woke up around 3am. I honestly can't recall what we said, just that it was the random conversations one has with a partner. I realized that he had not had someone share a bed with him since his partner went into the hospital. LT hadn't had the comfort of waking up in the middle of the night and have someone there to sleepily say "how are you doing?"
LT never said any of this. He was a kind host and a generous bed partner (in that he offered to let me sleep on his usual side of the bed, because as lefties, we both want to sleep on the same side.) He mentioned his partner in passing, but only to say things like, "They picked the color of the guest bathroom." or similar observations. There was no maudlin dwelling or discussions about how lonely he was. For all I know, his appreciation at having someone share his bed was entirely in my head.
I got so sad and melancholy when I thought about what it would be like to have spent twenty years with someone and to lose them after a long battle. I don't expect I will share a bed with any of my exes again, but that's different than never sharing a bed again with a person I loved and spent nearly half of my life with. I haven't said anything to LT, nor do I plan to. However that realization, that thought, put his loss into a perspective that I could understand. I could fathom, at least a little, how devastating the loss and how much work he has done to find a way through it. I doubt I would have handled things half as well.
That's all been in the past few days. The best I have come up with is to ignore everything and hope it doesn't come and bite me later.I know this is stupid, but I am at the point, "Emotions are hard, throw rocks at them."
Today's song isn't quite applicable, but when it comes to DA and the person I am going into mediation with, I think the tone fits.
If there was anything I could change about myself, it would be my sense that the world should be a fair place. I feel like we should try to treat people with kindness and consideration. I believe that people should keep their promises. I think these are all fine attributes, but it often seems like this expectation that the world will be fair just gets me in trouble.
I heard through the grapevine that a person with whom I have had nothing but conflict has decided not to participate in fair this year. I feel that given the nature of their complaint, I am somewhat responsible for their choice. (They have never said as much to me directly and the rumor did not name anyone.)
I wrote them an email yesterday. I tried to keep it short and to the point. I told them that a mediator was available to help us and that I had approached her. I included a copy of the message I sent to the mediator so that they could establish contact if they want to. Why? Because despite the fact that this person has caused me a great deal of grief, it's not fair that something that they enjoy as much as participating at Christmas fair is being taken away from them.
They have not replied and I expect that they won't. However, I feel better for having made the attempt. I also know that if they want to screw me over, I have given them a means to do so.
I know this because it has happened to me before. When I left my first husband, I recognized that I was not going to be the best parent. My job had no flexibility to work from home. I was still establishing myself in my new apartment. Her father could better provide for her. It was the right thing to do. I paid child support, I moved to taking my daughter 50% of the time as quickly as I was able. I tried to be a contributing co-parent. I tried to be fair.
My ex did not agree with me. The rumors that got around about me and the way I left him cost me friendships. When he complained, he neglected to mention the money I was giving him monthly or that I rarely, if ever, missed a scheduled visitation. He tried to take her away from me on multiple occasions, including getting a restraining order. I was served at work. (Getting served at work can cost you a job, because it suggests that you are dodging legal summons. The law firm he employed never tried to reach me at home.)
I learned the hard way that he thought that my attempt to do what was best for my daughter allowed him to say that I was abandoning her. He was a dedicated father. I didn't think that taking him to court, getting alimony and child support and screwing him over for wanting to be a father was the way to go. I was able to work. He had a job that allowed him to work from home and come in late. He was able to provide a better home for my child when I left. I never expected that he would use that against me for the rest of her childhood. I am sure he can justify everything he did, but I don't think it was fair.
My second husband saw what he did and how much pain it caused us both. Then he pulled the same crap with our son. I know people aren't fair or that they don't agree with my idea of fair. And yes, I tried to be fair to DA and I got screwed by him and his current partner. I really know better.
However, my sense of integrity and honor is something I stubbornly cling to. I would not be me if I didn't try to do the right thing. So even though it will probably bite me in the ass, I contacted the person who has caused me so much grief over the past four years because it felt like the right thing to do.
I wish I could get over my own stupid ethics. It might be a bit grandiose, but I chose today's song because it reminds me that at the end of the day, the only person whose judgement matters is mine. I hope that I showed my children what integrity and honor is and that they understand why I did what I did.
I have been busy. I have certainly been too busy to pursue all the things I have wanted to. I have been poly-saturated. I have never been super saturated. Something is going to have to give and I don't know what it will be. I am not great at saying no, but there will have to be some in my life or I will hate myself by the end of the year.
So, I am going to work it out here, lucky you.
TL;dr: I have way too much in my life and something needs to go.
The dramatis personæ:
My husband - person I live with in an ethically non-monogamous relationship
Housemate - person who lives with my husband and me and has since 2010.
reads the blog and can see comments on FB and the blog
Rope Guy (RG) - Secondary relationship, we've been dating since November of 2018
Rope Guy is able to read this blog, so if you want him to see comments,
please leave them here. He cannot see comments on Facebook.
Keto - Tertiary relationship, we've been on a number of dates, but Keto is very inexperienced with regards to relationships. He lives over an hour away from me.
Lefty Teacher (LT) - A fellow teacher I have known for a couple of weeks. We seem to have experienced a mutual connection. We have both commented that this level of attraction was unexpected. He lives an hour away and the drive is only slightly better than
LA Guy - A person I met at a convention in September and saw again recently. We hit it off, but I can't figure out how much my feelings are because of his obvious attraction and the concerns of the other people I am involved with.
The end of the year is coming on and starting in November, I will be involved with a Christmas fair. As in past years, there are three weekends of rehearsals and five weekends of performances. As far as I know, I will be leading rehearsal sessions, which will oblige me to attend every day of the workshops. (This is a paid position.) The performance days are more flexible, but participating in the Christmas fair has been a relative constant in my life since 2001. I really enjoy the part I play and the members of my cast. Despite the issues with my ex (and his ex), I don't want to give up doing the fair.
I have a full time job, a hobby that is going to keep me busy for the better part of eight weekends, social events, and a number of people who would like my time and attention. There is too much going on, but what do I give up?
My husband is non-negotiable. He is very flexible and has been dealing with my participation at the fair since 2007 (most of our relationship). My housemate is in a similar position, so I am including them because they do get my time, but of everyone in this list, my husband and my housemate offer the most flexibility when it comes to spending time with them. However, I won't give my husband or my housemate up (obviously).
I do not like hierarchical titles in my polyships. I only use them to give an easy label for the purposes of this thought experiment.
I have an issue. I keep thinking that if I am good enough, that if make some people happy, I will get y needs met based on merit. How I have managed to keep this naive perspective? You'd think that my past relationships would have shown me otherwise.
I don't want to hurt Keto. I like him well enough and enjoy his company, but I will have to be honest, given the choice between LT and Keto, LT got my time this weekend, Keto didn't. Keto and LT both require emotional labor, so that isn't the problem. I am more attracted to LT and more willing to make the time and effort to see him. Logically, Keto is the better investment, but LT is just so much yummier.
LT is also a disaster waiting to happen. I can't let myself get too attached, because LT is a recent widower who has gone through a long period of grieving. He has decided that he wants to explore a number of things that he did not do because he got into a monogamous relationship at 21. He is in his early 40s and is exploring his desires and interests for the first time. It is absolutely fascinating and scary as hell. Our first date went much differently than planned. What was supposed to be a brief fling exploring some mutual interests has potential to be something else, but what I don't know. The possibility of getting hurt is very high.
Keto is steady and reliable, but he wants more time and is starting to get upset that I am not making it for him. He went through fair last year, so he knows how little he will see of me for the rest of the year. If I am taking even more time from him to pursue LT, I am just being an ass. I don't want to be that person.
LA Guy isn't a huge problem. Given his job and obligations, he can probably only get up to my area once during fair season. There is the potential of going down to see him for a trip to Disneyland (because you have all met me). However, he is another person who needs bandwidth for phone calls, texts, and what not.
While I wouldn't say Rope Guy is non-negotiable, of all of the external relationships I am in, I think that this one is the most important to me. However, our time together is challenging to schedule. He is married, he has a child (albeit a grown one) and he has at least two other people he is dating (although not on a regularly scheduled basis.)
So looking at this weekend is a good example of what I am facing. RG and I were thinking of getting together this Friday night. I forgot that I had made plans with friends, but once I was reminded, I had to let RG know that Friday wasn't available. (In my defense, Friday is usually his date night with his wife, but she is traveling this week.) RG is not available on Saturday because he has a date with one of the other people he is involved with. I had plans for Sunday. RG and I were planning to see if we could manage Monday, but that has it's own issues.
Luckily, my plans with LT (which were set for Sunday) could be moved to Saturday. I was able to do the good poly thing: I changed my plans with LT to Saturday, accommodate RG and see him Sunday, thus making everyone happy. Well, except Keto, who asked if I wanted to accompany him to a party this Sunday. I politely told him I already had plans.
That's just one weekend! Next weekend my mother wants my husband and I to look at her floors which means an entire day out of the area. That leaves only one day to see whomever I decide to see, which I haven't even asked about because...well because I am a coward. Rehearsals for fair start the weekend after. Any time I want to spend with anyone require figuring out logistics of time and place. I think of the nine weekends of rehearsal and fair last year, I spent at least one night in a hotel seven out of nine weekends.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know how to admit to myself what I want. I know that getting involved with LT is a bad idea, except it feels so right. (And yes, I know that this is the same logic that kept me in a toxic relationship for 18 months after I should have dumped the person.)
I am just supersaturated right now and I can't take on any more. I have been poly a long time and this is the first time I have been in such a pickle. I don't know how to tell Keto that he's just not interesting enough, but that's where I feel like I am going. I just know that if I do that, it's really going to hurt him.
I just want to hide and hope it sorts itself out without me. But I know how I felt when that happened to me, it sucks to feel disposable.
I had trouble finding a song for this situation, so I decided to go with the cheeky choice, because why not, it's about dancing.
July 2018, I had to get periodontal surgery. Due to genetics, poverty, and an auto-immune disorder my teeth were not very good. I had to get some fairly extensive work done. It still isn't finished. I will be getting the last stage done in 2020 (when I can start accessing my insurance again.). I do like my smile, but I feel like it's fake, that I don't deserve it.
If you have seen any the pictures I have posted recently, you have seen the long hair. It wasn't just vanity, it was to hide how sick I have been. The Hashimoto's Disease has been wreaking havoc and there are days when I feel like it's a race just to keep up. I have always had very thin and fine hair, but it has been getting worse as I get older. While there are things about having extensions that feels very fake, I have been told that it looks real. I have received a lot of compliments.
One of the delightful parts of Hashimoto's is fertility issues and early onset menopause. I am very thankful that I had my children early, because I probably wouldn't have had them otherwise. I got to face that reality in 2009, when my husband and I realized that we would not have any children together. Ten years later and it seems that the factory is shut down for good. Ever since the surgery this past summer, I have been dealing with the all the changes that comes with the "change of life".
LT complimented me on my smile and my hair. I couldn't just smile and say thank you. I felt obliged to explain. He didn't say anything, but I can only imagine what someone who has just spent the past couple of years living with someone who is terminally ill would feel about someone with a chronic condition. It was very uncomfortable. I am not sure how to discuss it with him, if I even should.
I know part of my concern is because of the events of Summer 2018. I was feeling vulnerable and scared and someone I thought who loved me and would be supportive was the opposite. It was bad enough to be dealing with all the issues with my health, but having to deal with feelings of abandonment and getting cheated on was just the cherry on top of a shit sundae. I am still afraid that if anyone knows how sick I have been, they won't want anything to do with me.
Rope Guy is aware of most of the issues. He is wonderful when it comes to being supportive and understanding, he's been a rock star. Keto felt shut out, but has said that he will be understanding. I believe that he will be, but it's not in his nature. I am sure LT would be sympathetic, but I don't want put him on the spot or hit any triggers.
I keep telling myself that life happens and that people can't always be supportive. I keep telling myself that it's not personal. But it still hurts, even more than a year later. I'm still scared of being honest. If there is anything that makes me want to kick the asshole who was a part of my life when this all began, it's that I still let myself feel this way over a year later.
I know that wouldn't be constructive, so I am going to try and tell LT what I absolutely have to so that he isn't caught by surprise. As for the rest, I am going to try and make sure I never make anyone feel as shitty as that asshole made me feel. Fuck them, I have a great smile, gorgeous hair and I am still fabulous.
So, today is a song from one of the more fabulous people I know.
When I was in the midst of writing my master's thesis, I met someone. There were a number of reasons dating this person was a bad idea, my class work, my job, and the obligations I had in my life were just on my side. They also had their own issues. Regardless, we made it work and I completed my thesis.
I learned that if it is the right person, obstacles don't stop the relationship, just require more creative solutions. I remember that one was that I would spend Sunday afternoons in their room, working on my stuff while they worked nearby. It became a sanctuary where there was no child, no pets, no laundry, no distractions. Instead of hindering my studies, my relationship with this person helped me focus at a time when I really needed it. They attended my thesis presentation and my graduation and I was happy to have them at both.
I know that when I meet someone and like them, I can find a way to make it work. If I am unsure or unmotivated, I don't bother. What surprises me is that men who find me interesting don't appreciate this approach.
There was a guy that I met via a mutual friend. We only knew each other via online messaging. I suggested meeting for coffee or a drink on a couple of occasions, but he was always too busy. I wasn't terribly invested in the person, so I didn't think much about it. He was good for some interesting distractions when we were both bored.
A couple of weeks ago, he texted me after a long period of not hearing from him. After some pleasantries, he asked if I would be interested in getting together. I politely declined, noting that I was already involved with more people than I could potentially give time to. He was disappointed, but continued chatting.
A few days later, he asked again and I declined again. Then he started whining. I really hate it when people whine. I don't deal with it from my students, I don't take it from my partners, hell, I told my own children that I don't speak Whinese. I would then ignore them until they rephrased their request in a different tone of voice.
I told the guy that I had given him opportunities to meet me and he had declined them. I noted that that at the moment I was too busy to make time to see him. I also noted (not very kindly) that he wasn't interested in me, he was was just lonely and horny. I told him that I was happy to continue talking, but only if he stopped whining. If all he was going to do was complain, he could go away.
I won't deny I was a bit harsh. But this is someone I had never met in person. I wasn't worth his time last year, I saw no reason to waste my limited time on his now.
He didn't just go away. He made sure to tell me that I was the unreasonable one. That his dick was good enough for me last year, but now that I had other partners, it wasn't worth my time. He told me he was going to find someone less crazy, who would appreciate him. Then he told me not to bother texting him again, because I was blocked. The flounce was truly epic.
I told a guy, that I have never met in person, I wasn't interested in having sex with him after he blew me off a year ago. How am I crazy? Oh of course, I forgot that my purpose was to be an available sexual partner when he wanted it. My feelings in the matter are unimportant. I was expected to drop everything because he crooked his finger.
I wasn't lying to this guy. I really do have more on my plate than I can keep up with. There is rehearsals and fair coming up. There are friendships, family obligations and of course, the men I am currently dating. I really don't have time.
Which is why meeting Lefty Teacher a couple of weeks ago is just throwing a wrench in all of my plans. LT was with one partner for a very long time. That partner recently lost their battle with cancer after a two year struggle. I am very impressed at how he is using this very difficult transition to explore aspects of his life that were not available while he was in a monogamous relationship. Our conversations have been very open and he has made it clear that he has therapists and support groups where he is working through his grief. He also was very honest that he isn't looking for anything committed. We are just going to see what see what happens and take things slowly.
Because you all know how good I am at taking things slowly.
He is worth making time for. He is worth coming up with creative
solutions and ways to spend time together. He also lives an hour away
and unlike Keto, has little reason to come into the area where I live.
However, after our first play date, we both realized that being together
was effortless and we spent the day laughing. Having been through grief
of my own recently, I can appreciate how being with someone who just
makes you laugh is good medicine.
However, in spite of my trepidation and concern, this feels like the right track. If you have read the books in the Kushiel series, I would probably fit best in Balm House. It is not the only place I identify with, but LT reminds me how much of Balm I once had and lost because of recent relationships which abused that part of me. I am glad to find that I can still find the hurts in someone's soul and tend to them, even if it is just for an afternoon. I was delighted at how satisfying and fulfilling it was. It didn't feel like it was expected, but it was appreciated.
LT reminded me why I am so glad that I am poly. I am happy have something to share with LT, but I couldn't let that be my only interactions. I am also glad that I am able to send Keto, LT and even Rope Guy to other people and know that they will receive care and attention. I am glad that I am able to go home to my partner and share what I have learned and gained with him.
So, LT is the new shiny. Keto has met him. Rope Guy and I have discussed him. My husband just shook his head bemusedly. As for me, whatever will be, will be. It's the only option that will work.
I haven't been writing much recently. It isn't that I have nothing to say, but that I have not had a lot of time to devote to emotional processing.
Let's see, the good:
Rope Guy and I are still seeing each other. That has been going very well and I have a number of good stories to relate. I will be attending my second spanking convention with him next weekend. I have been learning a lot about myself, which is nice.
Keto and I worked out some of the communication issues that caused problems between us. There is still work to be done and it will be slow going. The nice thing is it looks like I am going to have some help. Keto has met a woman who lives much closer to him than I do. I met her last night and my first impressions are very positive. I did not feel any jealousy or anger. It was wonderful and very empowering.
There is a new fellow that has popped up out of nowhere. I don't even have a name to identify him with. He is a fellow teacher, although far enough away that we would be very unlikely to meet up at a professional event. He is a bit younger than I am. He is a widower. We also just have some very incredible chemistry, at least so far. I am trying not to get too anything about it, just enjoying the feels and the neurochemicals. (And I am trying to be really communicative to everyone so that the stupid doesn't get too stupid.)
I wish I could say that everything with DA is peaceful. It is not. I have stated and some of you have corroborated that there isn't a boundary that DA feels applies to him. I had intended to leave things well enough alone for the upcoming season of fair. I figured I would ignore him and he would ignore me. I know better now.
DA told me to go away in June. I have done so. I did not contact him. No emails, no texts, no phone calls. I don't stalk his social media, I don't look in on his current partner. I am not perfect, but I have tried to be a respectful ex-girlfriend, at least in person.
I have kept a tarot blog. It is not private and deliberately so. I have never mentioned names. The blog has really been a way for me to process via a hobby. I had the feeling that DA was reading it. I have been told that this is typical behavior for exes and it tapers off after a while. I don't believe I went on the blog and wrote about what a horrible person DA is and how I was going to stalk his girlfriend and ruin their lives. Mostly I wrote vague entries that probably mean very little most people.
I will say that I wrote two entries in that blog recently. One entry was about a dream I had and the other entry was about my fears approaching fair. I had been noticing that a particular individual was taking a significant interest in my blog. In the past couple of weeks, they have been visiting it every day, sometimes more than once. I decided that with fair upcoming, It would behoove me to put the tarot blog on hiatus in an effort to reduce drama.
A couple of days later a situation came up where I needed to contact the household that DA lives in. Including him in the list was to make sure that there were no misunderstandings. I did not engage with him directly. I imparted the information, explained my part in the solution and ended the conversation. It took me maybe 5 minutes. I then went to spend time with Keto, who does not have any cell connection at his home.
DA's roommate/landlord contacted me on Monday to clarify some points. She resumed the conversation on the list that DA had been included on. I took the chat off the list and moved it to a direct DM between Roommate and me. I explained that having DA on the chat was not constructive. I noted that since the issue involved money, it was triggery.
According to Roommate, she decided to tell DA that I said he owed me $800. After months of hearing nothing, DA sent me an email asking me to clarify. It was not polite, although it was not accusatory. Mostly it was out of the blue.
I could have (and should have) not answered. DA knows full well that I do not think he owes me money. I keep making the mistake of thinking that if I treat him like a human being, he will respond like one. Instead of accepting my explanation, he escalated the situation. He told me to stop misrepresenting him to "third parties" and other things that in writing were verging on threatening.
I tried to deescalate. I asked that we stop e-mailing. I offered to meet in person and to discuss things so that this year of fair would be better. I asked for an hour with a shared agenda. DA said that he did not feel it would be a positive interaction and that he had no wish to meet.
I believe he has no wish to meet. I do not believe that this was an isolated incident. I could list all of the issues and then some, but I will leave it at this. I have noticed that DA has a pattern where he is happy to let me ignore him for 5-7 weeks. Then I think he wants to make sure that I am still hooked, so he deliberately baits me, gets a reaction, escalates and then points out to his partner "See how crazy she still is?"
His comments about the Disneyland post were so completely clueless and self-serving about how the community is not supportive, I did a spit take. Dude, you posted on a group list serve an article that was only tangentially related to the topic of the group. The fact that you posted it while your roommate and your ex-girlfriend were at Disneyland was not lost on many people. The reaction you got was not because the group wasn't supportive. They just weren't supportive of you trying to deliberately bait your ex and her friends.
It's been a little over seven weeks and here we are again. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Last year I was very careful to never approach DA. I did not engage with him beyond a polite head nod or greeting. I did not go into any workshops where he was. I avoided his rehearsal areas. During the run of fair, I did not see him perform, I did not initiate engagement on the street. I went out of my way to give him space. It was not enough.
From the first day of workshops, every interaction violated a boundary that we had established. He called me out during breaks, he sat with my cast at meetings, he stood in front of the room where I was teaching and disrupted my class so much I had to close the door.
During the run of fair, it was worse. He showed up at my performances. He approached me on the street in front of patrons. He brought his father over to see me while I was on stage. I did not mind seeing DA's father. I minded having DA bring him over and expect me to engage with them both with little warning or conversation. I am bothered that DA told his parents that we were still friends and used me to keep up the charade that he still has people in his life beyond his partner. (I don't know if that's true, but I strongly suspect that is the case.)
I am not going to spend 2019 rehearsals and fair walking on eggshells, waiting for his next ambush. I do not want to be his friend. I do not wish to reconcile. I do not wish to address old wrongs. I want to make sure he understands that there are clear boundaries. I want him to understand that there will be consequences if he decides that they don't apply to him. I want him to stop trying to get my attention and throwing public tantrums when I don't respond the way he wants.
I didn't want to escalate it to the PTB of the fair. I know DA will hate having our dirty laundry exposed as much as I do. However, even my husband, who has said that I just need to let go and ignore DA agreed that his recent behavior was bordering on abusive and cruel. It is not my job to police DA or make sure that he can't see my every written word on the internet and make the assumptions about how that reflects how I am feeling. I have played by the rules, as I understand them, for dealing with an ex at fair.
I know I am biased. If any of you have a better suggestion or solution, I am all ears. This is the best idea I have come up with:
The PTB of fair have hired a therapist to deal with hostile work environments. I wrote a request for third party mediation and shared it with DA and my director. If I do not hear from him, I will submit it on Monday. My director has approved this action.
I don't care if DA doesn't want to meet me. He used an excuse to harass me after I went out of my way to keep the roommate interaction we had as professional, indirect, and brief as possible. In the more than a year since we broke up, I have never used the fact that he lives with my friends as a way to contact him. And I didn't use the contact to start a conversation with him. If he had not e-mailed me about the money, I would have continued the months of no contact that I have maintained since June. As a note, he has never asked me not to contact him, he just stopped answering messages.
I am at my wit's end. I do not know how to protect myself and I am tired of feeling like I am not safe in the environment that I introduced DA into.
I also better understand how DA's ex got the reputation for being crazy. DA is really, really good at making people look insane while maintaining a calm demeanor. I am hear to shout out that DA is very good at manipulating people and I will not allow it to ruin another year of the hobby that I love.
Today's song is the one I used as the last post before taking the hiatus in my tarot blog. I quoted the second verse there. I have never really understood the first verse until last night.
"Well if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand I've seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am Well I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been It's all been a pack of lies"
I couldn't understand why the narrator would not help the person if they were drowning. Then I got it last night, The person said they were drowning. I think the narrator feels that the person is lying, just like they always do, just manipulate them. The drowner has forgotten who the narrator is and how well they know the person they are singing about.
I posted a version of this song by Lorde before. Now I will stick with the original.
Today's Song - In the Air Tonight - by Phil Collins
