I learned that if it is the right person, obstacles don't stop the relationship, just require more creative solutions. I remember that one was that I would spend Sunday afternoons in their room, working on my stuff while they worked nearby. It became a sanctuary where there was no child, no pets, no laundry, no distractions. Instead of hindering my studies, my relationship with this person helped me focus at a time when I really needed it. They attended my thesis presentation and my graduation and I was happy to have them at both.
I know that when I meet someone and like them, I can find a way to make it work. If I am unsure or unmotivated, I don't bother. What surprises me is that men who find me interesting don't appreciate this approach.
There was a guy that I met via a mutual friend. We only knew each other via online messaging. I suggested meeting for coffee or a drink on a couple of occasions, but he was always too busy. I wasn't terribly invested in the person, so I didn't think much about it. He was good for some interesting distractions when we were both bored.
A couple of weeks ago, he texted me after a long period of not hearing from him. After some pleasantries, he asked if I would be interested in getting together. I politely declined, noting that I was already involved with more people than I could potentially give time to. He was disappointed, but continued chatting.
A few days later, he asked again and I declined again. Then he started whining. I really hate it when people whine. I don't deal with it from my students, I don't take it from my partners, hell, I told my own children that I don't speak Whinese. I would then ignore them until they rephrased their request in a different tone of voice.
I told the guy that I had given him opportunities to meet me and he had declined them. I noted that that at the moment I was too busy to make time to see him. I also noted (not very kindly) that he wasn't interested in me, he was was just lonely and horny. I told him that I was happy to continue talking, but only if he stopped whining. If all he was going to do was complain, he could go away.
I won't deny I was a bit harsh. But this is someone I had never met in person. I wasn't worth his time last year, I saw no reason to waste my limited time on his now.
He didn't just go away. He made sure to tell me that I was the unreasonable one. That his dick was good enough for me last year, but now that I had other partners, it wasn't worth my time. He told me he was going to find someone less crazy, who would appreciate him. Then he told me not to bother texting him again, because I was blocked. The flounce was truly epic.
I told a guy, that I have never met in person, I wasn't interested in having sex with him after he blew me off a year ago. How am I crazy? Oh of course, I forgot that my purpose was to be an available sexual partner when he wanted it. My feelings in the matter are unimportant. I was expected to drop everything because he crooked his finger.
I wasn't lying to this guy. I really do have more on my plate than I can keep up with. There is rehearsals and fair coming up. There are friendships, family obligations and of course, the men I am currently dating. I really don't have time.
Which is why meeting Lefty Teacher a couple of weeks ago is just throwing a wrench in all of my plans. LT was with one partner for a very long time. That partner recently lost their battle with cancer after a two year struggle. I am very impressed at how he is using this very difficult transition to explore aspects of his life that were not available while he was in a monogamous relationship. Our conversations have been very open and he has made it clear that he has therapists and support groups where he is working through his grief. He also was very honest that he isn't looking for anything committed. We are just going to see what see what happens and take things slowly.
Because you all know how good I am at taking things slowly.
He is worth making time for. He is worth coming up with creative solutions and ways to spend time together. He also lives an hour away and unlike Keto, has little reason to come into the area where I live. However, after our first play date, we both realized that being together was effortless and we spent the day laughing. Having been through grief of my own recently, I can appreciate how being with someone who just makes you laugh is good medicine.
However, in spite of my trepidation and concern, this feels like the right track. If you have read the books in the Kushiel series, I would probably fit best in Balm House. It is not the only place I identify with, but LT reminds me how much of Balm I once had and lost because of recent relationships which abused that part of me. I am glad to find that I can still find the hurts in someone's soul and tend to them, even if it is just for an afternoon. I was delighted at how satisfying and fulfilling it was. It didn't feel like it was expected, but it was appreciated.
LT reminded me why I am so glad that I am poly. I am happy have something to share with LT, but I couldn't let that be my only interactions. I am also glad that I am able to send Keto, LT and even Rope Guy to other people and know that they will receive care and attention. I am glad that I am able to go home to my partner and share what I have learned and gained with him.
So, LT is the new shiny. Keto has met him. Rope Guy and I have discussed him. My husband just shook his head bemusedly. As for me, whatever will be, will be. It's the only option that will work.
Which, of course, is today's song.
Today's Song - Que Sera Sera by Doris Day
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