"All we need to do is make sure we keep talking..."

I often wonder what interacting with the world feels like for other people. What is it like not to consider and control every aspect of what you say, how you look, and what people think of you? Yes, I know that I can't control what people think of me, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

From 2007 until 2016, the fair was where I felt like I could be most myself. It is the only place where I am out as being poly and kinky. I took the gibes and teasing about being a slut because I felt it was said with love and understanding. In 2016 the word slut was used against me and I haven't felt like I can be myself ever since.

I have been involved with fair since 2001. There was one thing I held onto like a lifeline. Do not fish off the company pier. I would flirt, but I never dated anyone I met at fair or who worked it. The problems I have been dealing with since 2016 are because I made an exception to that policy. Of course, the one time I make an exception has done nothing but bite me in the ass.

My director called a meeting last night. They wanted to tell me that there were some concerns about my blog again. I haven't the foggiest which blog they were talking about, since they were told this a month ago. What frustrates me is that while my director referred to the tarot blog, I really don't understand how it's relevant to the Powers that Be. Regardless, I pulled the blog and moved it. If I decide to start posting in it again, I will decide what I want to do then.

I am fully aware that I have my crazy, my obsessive and my stupid. I write it out to purge it, to get rid of the anxiety that plagues me every time I interact in public. I don't stalk exes. I don't trash talk people who have a beef with me and gossip about them. In public I have always done my best to maintain a calm and cool demeanor. I challenge anyone to tell me when I have acted out in public, when I have thrown a tantrum, screamed and shouted or otherwise behaved in an inappropriate manner.

When I write blog entries, I express how I feel. I am honest and forthcoming. I purge my anger and my frustration in a way that keeps my friends informed about how I am feeling in a safe and passive way. There is no one that I require or expect to read anything I write. As my husband put it, I am shouting into the darkness and I have given a few people a light which they can turn on or not.

Even with the tarot blog, which was public, the same applied. No one was required to read it. If they chose to, it's not my job to police people. If someone is my ex and chose to read my vitriol, that's on them. I mention this because one ex told me how every time I called them a coward, bastard, cheater, and liar it hurt their feelings and made them feel bad. (We will ignore the fact that with the exception of the person's parentage, I can back up each one of those adjectives with an incident.) I will admit that I wasn't always nice to this person in our written correspondence. However, the majority of the name calling was in my blog, which they assured me that they had no interest in reading. Why did I write those things about my ex in my blog?  Because it's inappropriate to say or write those things to someone directly, but it was how I felt and still feel about their actions. I think they cheated on me. I think they lied to me. I think they were a coward and were unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. While not technically a bastard, it was a better epithet than fuckwad or useless snot bubble.

What I want people to understand is that the calm veneer that I hope most of you see is because I have and use a reliable outlet. I have rarely text bombed someone. I don't call an ex, repeatedly, night after night. I don't show up unannounced and uninvited to where my ex lives. I don't talk trash an ex's new relationships to anyone who will listen. I don't call people names or threaten them to their face. (I do call people names in my head and even to friends, but I don't think I have ever threatened violence.  I know that I don't deserve a medal for this. I understand that any of the described actions are inappropriate behavior. 

I was really bad some 20+ years ago and did some of those things to an ex. I learned how to handle myself, my anxiety and my stress. There have been two people since then that have been able to shake my control. Even then, even when I absolutely lost it, I did not engage in threatening or dangerous behavior (that I am aware of). I will say that I have tried calling someone to clear something up and when I have been hung up on, I have called back. If that doesn't work, I try to let it go. Again, this has only applied to two people that I can think of.

I have written emails I am not proud of. Yes, that's correct, I wrote emails which the recipeient did not have to read or respond to. That is what I do when I am at my worst. (I am not saying that the emails I sent were acceptable or appropriate, but given the public scenes I have witnessed, I think that on a scale of 1-10 an email is a 4-5 tops.)

I do not know how the rest of the world handles their anger, anxiety, frustration, and pain. I only know what works for me. I write it out. If you know who I mean when I mention someone, I expect that you will keep it to yourself or, as some of you have done, contact me or comment with your take on what I say. I have always tried to welcome a dialog or at least listen when challenged.

What I do not appreciate is being told to keep silent.  I really hate when someone (often with a penis, but not always) decides that I am not allowed to have or express an opinion that they disagree with.

Here's a hint, if you aren't talking to me, then I get to think whatever I want about you. If you choose to engage with me to offer me another perspective, that's fine. I cannot judge intentions, only actions. I stand by what I say, what I do and what I write. I try to admit when I am wrong and I have apologized when I have taken something too far. I am not psychic and it's entirely possible that I don't know or understand something.

I have no illusions that I am always honorable or even right. I just know what seems to work for me to deal with my anxiety and depression. Writing is cheaper than therapy and I have yet to sit someone in a chair ala Clockwork Orange and force them to read the mud that my brain stirs up.

I am going to see what the management has to say about my blog. I would hate to step away from a hobby I love. However, I don't see giving up my path to sanity because someone decided that they didn't agree with an expressed opinion. Unless I say that it's Colonel Mustard, in the Library, with the lead pipe, then what I am writing is not about Colonel Mustard, the library or an opinion on how I feel about percussively murderous damage done with plumbing implements! It's not about you, it's about me.

Show me a place where I mentioned you by a real name, location or a gave identifying personal details and I will apologize, remove or edit the post and endeavor to never do it again. However, if you can't do that and/or you don't want to talk to me, please just go fuck yourself and leave me alone to live my life without your drama in it.

Pink Floyd managed to capture my frustration and mood today, so they provide today's song.

Today's Song - Keep Talking by Pink Floyd