It was also a very emotional weekend. I am still working out the feelings and processing. So, I would like to note the fact that I am talking about feelings. It's not that I don't have feelings, it's just that I have been trained that they are not something to talk about. Everything I am bringing up in this entry are things I have spoken about with friends or partners over the past few days. That is an improvement for me.
Trepidation
I am going to get the easy one out of the way. The person I mentioned previously didn't contact me. They did contact The Powers that Be (TPB) and requested that we have the mediation. I received the request from the TPB last night. I know text can easily be misinterpreted, but I was not thrilled with the tone of the message. Regardless, everyone is aware of the complaints and so hopefully they will be addressed. But as I said before, I see the potential to be screwed over because I am trying to be fair.
Anger
DA recently accused me of using a mutual friend's concern as an excuse to engage with him. By engaging with him, he means that he was included on a group chat because the issue directly impacted him. I told all of the members of the group chat my concern and told them that was all I had to say. DA actually had the last word. I never addressed him directly and I kept the conversation as short as possible. When the group chat was started up by another member of the group a couple of days later, I specifically requested that we take it to another forum and leave DA out of it.
I realized yesterday how angry his accusation makes me feel. DA was with me when the mutual friend went through a really horrific experience. DA saw how worried I was about my friend and how hard I worked to help them. If there is anyone outside of my husband who knows how important this friend is to me, it would DA. For him to use that experience and even suggest that I would use that friend as a reason to contact him after months of silence is beyond the pale. I know it isn't that serious of an offense in some ways, but honestly for me it was the last straw. I am so done with being at fault for everything that ever went wrong between us. There was no sadness, no missing him, no wondering what I could have done better. All I felt was anger that after so many years he would accuse me of using a friend as a way to get his attention for a couple of minutes. It's like he thinks he still matters to me. (All right, he does matter, but only for my own emotional processing that has everything to do with my issues and nothing to do directly with him. I have not intentionally asked him for any support in over a year.) I have no reason to contact him personally. This was business and once the business was concluded, I didn't keep the chat open for pleasantries or chat.
On the other hand, he used something one of the other group members related to him later to pick a fight and then got pissy when I called him to resolve the damn thing. Yes, I should have ignored him and just not answered his email. I didn't, I called and tried to settle things. He got very angry at me and told me to stop calling him.
I have and I will. But fuck me, I am tired of that asshole picking fights and poking at me indirectly and then getting angry when I react.
Frustration
Communicating with Keto has never been particularly easy. I am really done with trying. I suggested to him that we could meet early on our usual date night and figure out the rest of the year, since my life will be tied up with fair and holidays. He agreed.
On the night in question, Keto stood me up.
He said he forgot. He didn't text me until the usual time and was surprised I had gone home. I skipped the munch we usually attend together., because I couldn't people. When I pushed a bit, he didn't seem to understand that I had been waiting for two hours to see him. He just said he was running late. Later, I got a passive aggressive message letting me know when he was going to be in my area over the weekend.
I didn't bother to answer.
I don't know how to explain to him that if he is going to live on a fucking mountain and not have cell service or internet, he has to set up ways to talk and make plans. I can't keep doing the footwork. I don't have the time or patience.
I am not sure how I am going to talk to him about this...since I would have to bloody well talk to him!
Empathy
LT and I spent some considerable time together on Saturday. I think it went well, although things feel awkward right now because we are trying to figure out how to communicate on a regular basis without texting. I am trying not to internalize all the brain weasels this has brought up for me, because I am seeing this a a me problem. LT made a request, I can accommodate it. I am just waiting for him to tell me what form of communication he would prefer.
I am not always the most empathic person. It isn't that I can't tell what someone is feeling or even consider how I would feel in the same situation. But I rarely have a deeply emotional reaction to how someone else is feeling. I think between my parents and some past relationships, I have built up walls so I don't get sucked into someone else's morass.
Because of where LT lives and the roads between his place and mine, I spent the night much sooner than I might have otherwise. I figured I would be polite and I even mentioned sleeping on his couch or guest bed. He didn't take me up on my offer. We shared a bed.
I think I understand why he wanted to share a bed and it made me so sad. His reason (if I understand it correctly) is something I take for granted. I don't know who woke up first, but we both woke up around 3am. I honestly can't recall what we said, just that it was the random conversations one has with a partner. I realized that he had not had someone share a bed with him since his partner went into the hospital. LT hadn't had the comfort of waking up in the middle of the night and have someone there to sleepily say "how are you doing?"
LT never said any of this. He was a kind host and a generous bed partner (in that he offered to let me sleep on his usual side of the bed, because as lefties, we both want to sleep on the same side.) He mentioned his partner in passing, but only to say things like, "They picked the color of the guest bathroom." or similar observations. There was no maudlin dwelling or discussions about how lonely he was. For all I know, his appreciation at having someone share his bed was entirely in my head.
I got so sad and melancholy when I thought about what it would be like to have spent twenty years with someone and to lose them after a long battle. I don't expect I will share a bed with any of my exes again, but that's different than never sharing a bed again with a person I loved and spent nearly half of my life with. I haven't said anything to LT, nor do I plan to. However that realization, that thought, put his loss into a perspective that I could understand. I could fathom, at least a little, how devastating the loss and how much work he has done to find a way through it. I doubt I would have handled things half as well.
That's all been in the past few days. The best I have come up with is to ignore everything and hope it doesn't come and bite me later.I know this is stupid, but I am at the point, "Emotions are hard, throw rocks at them."
Today's song isn't quite applicable, but when it comes to DA and the person I am going into mediation with, I think the tone fits.
Today's Song - Attention by Charlie Puth
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