"I am the queen and that's for real..."

July 2018, I had to get periodontal surgery. Due to genetics, poverty, and an auto-immune disorder my teeth were not very good. I had to get some fairly extensive work done. It still isn't finished. I will be getting the last stage done in 2020 (when I can start accessing my insurance again.). I do like my smile, but I feel like it's fake, that I don't deserve it.

If you have seen any the pictures I have posted recently, you have seen the long hair. It wasn't just vanity, it was to hide how sick I have been. The Hashimoto's Disease has been wreaking havoc and there are days when I feel like it's a race just to keep up. I have always had very thin and fine hair, but it has been getting worse as I get older. While there are things about having extensions that feels very fake, I have been told that it looks real. I have received a lot of compliments.

One of the delightful parts of Hashimoto's is fertility issues and early onset menopause. I am very thankful that I had my children early, because I probably wouldn't have had them otherwise. I got to face that reality in 2009, when my husband and I realized that we would not have any children together. Ten years later and it seems that the factory is shut down for good. Ever since the surgery this past summer, I have been dealing with the all the changes that comes with the "change of life". 

LT complimented me on my smile and my hair. I couldn't just smile and say thank you. I felt obliged to explain. He didn't say anything, but I can only imagine what someone who has just spent the past couple of years living with someone who is terminally ill would feel about someone with a chronic condition. It was very uncomfortable. I am not sure how to discuss it with him, if I even should.

I know part of my concern is because of the events of Summer 2018. I was feeling vulnerable and scared and someone I thought who loved me and would be supportive was the opposite. It was bad enough to be dealing with all the issues with my health, but having to deal with feelings of abandonment and getting cheated on was just the cherry on top of a shit sundae. I am still afraid that if anyone knows how sick I have been, they won't want anything to do with me.

Rope Guy is aware of most of the issues. He is wonderful when it comes to being supportive and understanding, he's been a rock star. Keto felt shut out, but has said that he will be understanding. I believe that he will be, but it's not in his nature. I am sure LT would be sympathetic, but I don't want put him on the spot or hit any triggers.

I keep telling myself that life happens and that people can't always be supportive. I keep telling myself that it's not personal. But it still hurts, even more than a year later. I'm still scared of being honest. If there is anything that makes me want to kick the asshole who was a part of my life when this all began, it's that I still let myself feel this way over a year later.

I know that wouldn't be constructive, so I am going to try and tell LT what I absolutely have to so that he isn't caught by surprise. As for the rest, I am going to try and make sure I never make anyone feel as shitty as that asshole made me feel. Fuck them, I have a great smile, gorgeous hair and I am still fabulous.

So, today is a song from one of the more fabulous people I know.

Today's Song - WIG by Todrick Hall