"It must have been something you said..."

This past week I have had reason to remember that my intuition and gut feelings can be really damn accurate.

LT and I finally had our chat. The feelings I’ve had for the past week were on the nose. I felt it Sunday and since, now I know why. I can’t say much without violating his confidence. Lefty Teacher asked that we take the fair season as an opportunity to take a breather. He has to process some stuff of his own before he can be in a relationship with anyone.

That’s the thing, we want to have a relationship. It may just be a friendship, perhaps it will be something more. Whatever it is, LT made it clear that it’s because he’s having feelings and some are about me and some are about his wife. He has stuff to deal with.

It might be hindsight bias and confirmation bias, but I knew these obstacles were likely. I was not hurt or surprised by our conversation this morning. I was resigned. I will be patient, because it will likely be worth it. My gut told me this when I met him.

There was a time when I trusted my gut implicitly. That changed when I allowed myself to believe someone who told me that my gut feelings were wrong. What’s funny is that they rarely were. I don’t know why I ever believed otherwise.

I know my gut isn’t 100%, but it’s been a good guide. It was when I stopped listening that I got hurt.  So, I am going pay better attention to my instincts and intuition.

My gut is telling me not to be fussed about LT, so I am going to try and be patient and let things progress. I see the potential for a very good friend in the future and that’s more important to me than the shiny he is now. I am also very proud of us for how well he articulated his needs and how well I communicated mine. What could have been a very difficult situation worked out rather amicably.

I felt so much better this morning and was happy to see that the dumb jokes we've already established are just as goofy as ever. I was scared that I would lose the kernel of what we are establishing. That seems intact. Does it matter if it needs some time to blossom? 

That leaves one other thing nagging at me. There is a dream I keep having. I’ve spent too much time studying and teaching psychology to believe that dreams have meaning. I believe that dreams are the brain’s way of clearing the mental cache. It’s just processing. But if a dream is repeating with the same message, then something is stuck and the cache isn't getting cleared out. I think that is what is happening to me. There is something that my brain hasn't been able to process through. I guess I need some mental root rooter. With that in mind, here is what I can remember, maybe that will help purge it?

I’m lying down and facing someone with whom I’m sharing a bed. The room is dark, only the ambient glow from the window giving form to the shadows. The person I am facing desperately wants to talk but they are having trouble forming the words. They get so frustrated that they are close to crying, I feel tears when I touch their face. 

Then I wake up. The dream is always the same person, but the environment feel different, like we’re in a different room each time I dream.

Each time I have the dream, I can't get back to sleep. One time I wrote a tarot entry and that seemed to help. The other times I was just overwhelmed and cried a little.

When I have a dream like this, I feel like my brain is telling me to do something or be ready for something. In this case I haven’t the foggiest clue. All I know is that I wish I could help the person in my dream. They seem so desperately unhappy. However, what my dream means and what I am struggling with still isn't clear. In the past, these things work themselves out, I just have to be patient and not force it.

I really hate being patient.
 
I chose this gem from the 1980s because it seemed to fit on a number of levels, for LT and for my dreams.

Today's Song - I Just Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew