Keto is difficult to communicate with, but he isn't much for drama. Rope Guy is unusual because of his primary partner (who is a professional in the psychology field). There isn't "drama". There may be emotional expressions of processing. I don't mean to suggest all of my communications with lovers past and present are drama-filled. But the conversation between LT and I could have gone very wrong last night and I am so thrilled that it didn't. It was a wonderful change from other relationships where even the simplest conversations turned into a morass of accusations and hurt feelings.
What was different? First of all, we didn't text. In fact, I said that texting would be a bad idea. He agreed and we arranged a time for a short phone call. Then we both talked on the phone. We listened to each other, shared feelings and had an open exchange of ideas. We compromised where we had to and found common ground in other areas.
I don't want to tell tales, so please forgive me for being vague. As I have mentioned, LT is a widower. There was concern that I could easily end up being a grief counselor or something that would not be constructive for either of us. We have poked at that a couple of time and LT is really good about making it clear that he is not asking for another therapist. I try to be really careful that I only give him observations about what I am seeing and what my experience suggested as a good idea. As an example, he complained about feeling really down when we were talking on a Monday. I asked him, "Do you just need to tell someone or do you want an observation?"
He immediately said that he didn't want me to play therapist. I assured him that I had no interest in analyzing him. He agreed that I could share my observation.
I observed that he had spent a really fun weekend interacting with friends and participating in a hobby he really enjoys. It would be expected that he would be experiencing some serotonin drop after three rather intensive days. I noted that he could get some sun, have some dark chocolate and recognize that his feelings were normal. He thanked me and we continued on to another topic. We have done that a number of times, where we will feel that we are nearing a pathway that is getting close to therapy and we recognize it and put it aside.
We have only known each other about a month, so the "Where is this going talk" would normally be a bit premature. However, with the advent of fair (and the fact that every weekend is busy) means that we had to have enough of discussion to determine if "this" is worth making an effort.
Here was the amazing part. I said some really difficult things that I was scared would be received badly. Instead of being insulted, LT thanked me for my frank realizations and willingness to discuss things openly. We agreed that we would like to continue to see each other. We believe that a Friends With Benefits is probably the best option given our current situation. We will get together when we can, but with the understanding that we are both teachers with limited bandwidth. LT is going to visit fair, at least once. I don't know how much we will see each other through the end of the year, but we agreed that some predictability would best address his needs and suit mine. I can understand this. It will be his first holidays without his partner. I can only imagine how difficult that will be.
I won't be inviting him to share the holidays with me. He has family and friends that have already said that they will take care of him. I am impressed at how much support he has in his life and I am glad of it. I always knew how important it is to have friends that aren't necessarily shared with a spouse or partner. It really seems to help to have college roommates and others with whom he can talk to without the loss of his partner being something to discuss or process.
One thing we did discuss openly (that I feel I can share) is that it's easy for me to go into "partner mode". I know how to share a kitchen, share a bed, and fall into companionable silence. It is really easy to do with LT and there is a partner shaped hole in his life. He doesn't want a partner and I don't want to be his. (I do like him, but I have a partner.) We addressed it and decided on a couple of ways to avoid falling into that pattern. We did agree that we would still cook together, because that is something we both enjoy and it's something I do with other people I date. So like we established boundaries that suit us both and meet our needs. How crazy is that?
In other words, we had the "where is this relationship going?" talk without it being a big deal or terribly painful. It's sweet, he likes it when I call him shiny and is quite happy to be referred to as Rachel candy. I am quite happy to be a friend with benefits who can enjoy him without it taking up my whole (rather busy) life.
After the past few years, it was a relief that last night's conversation went as well as it did. It was nice to come to bed after a phone call where I wasn't angry or crying. My partner certainly appreciated it.
So today's song is because LT performs barbershop. He has a baritone that is to die for. I tried to find something that he would like, but this will have to do:
Today's Song: Sexy Back by The Ragtime Gals
No comments:
Post a Comment