I know my director means well (and they can't read this, so please don't share). I know they felt like they were warning me. They told me that my blog was a problem and that they were told that by the Powers that Be. It seems that my director did not push back at the PTB and ask "what is it that Rachel wrote, in the past year, that is a problem?" My director seems to have told the management that they would talk to me. Before talking to me, my director looked at my tarot blog and drew some very wrong conclusions. When they told me about their conclusions, on a conference call with a number of other people, I just shut down. I listened with half an ear to the rest of the call while I methodically erased the blog from view.
I am not going to defend blogging. I know that some people dislike it and dislike how I do it. However, as I keep saying, no one has to read it. Further, I don't use names, dates, or other identifying information. I am tired of not being allowed some privacy.
Instead of feeling supported, I'm going into this weekend frustrated. There are already too many variables in my life for me to feel comfortable coping with yet another set. I think I am going to be in full anxiety mode. Teaching two different workshops on the first day means I am not comfortable using my anxiety meds. I may have to revisit that come tomorrow night or Saturday morning. I am not sure what I will need to do to balance functional with calm.
Some of the variables that aren't a problem this weekend, but are in my life:
Keto wrote me a very sweet email apologizing for the misunderstanding about our dinner date and asking how to solve some of our other communication errors. I haven't the foggiest what to suggest and honestly, I can't think of what I want to do about it. I responded but not with any resolutions, just a request that we talk after this weekend.
LT has been doing some processing of his grief and figuring out where he is feeling. I thought I was going to take a big step back, but that hasn't been the case. There is one thing I can provide that seems to be helpful and also somewhat unique. He needs the sort of affirmation that comes from a lover. I don't know how to explain it better. He needs someone to tell him that he's handsome, clever, and smart. It's the one thing that family and friends can't provide.
I wondered how I ended being the best candidate and then I realized I am someone who understands, appreciates and in many instances, shares his hobbies. When I tell him that his song is a good one, that his performance is nuanced or that he looks good, it's meaningful because I know what I am talking about. Further, we can talk about feelings and desires because I won't judge him for having them so soon after he lost his wife. As someone who teaches psychology, he trusts me when I say that none of what he tells me surprises me.
I regret that we live so far apart and that what we can build together will always be subject to the mountain that separates us. I have the feeling that is how it's supposed to go. I guess we will see.
I am not sure why, but Pink Floyd keeps coming up for me, but I suppose it's a phase. Regardless, once again, they provide today's song, because it seems my best outcome for this weekend.
Today's Song - Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
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