"No More Words"

So my first assignment is a Thought Record. This is a cognitive behavioral therapy. I started it in my therapist's office yesterday, but we didn't finish it. I am going to finish it here.

Situation:
1/27/17
E-mail from XXXX
Overall takeaway, I talk too much and don't listen when discussing emotional content.

Moods:
Hurt: 35 %
Defensive: 50%
Angry: 15%

Automatic Thoughts:
I'm a horrible person.
I'm being selfish.
Why can't I just shut up and listen? (Hot Thought)

(Image): My ex-husband yelling at me for not addressing his emotional needs.

Evidence that Supports the Hot Thought:
XXXX and I are unable to communicate
They tell me that I push agendas and am aggressive.
This is something I have heard before (from my ex-husband)
I am very talkative.

Evidence that Does Not Support the Hot Thought:
My Husband and I had to work through this and did so.
I will listen when asked.
My therapist told me that I don't hit her with a wall of words, that I pause and wait for input.
Other people have told me that they enjoy our discussions. They come to me for council and advice. They talk to me about emotional topics and then come back and do it again.
I learned and practiced active listening as a part of my education degree.

Alternative/Balanced Thoughts:
I am prone to chatter, but I try to listen and share a conversation.
If I am asked, I will listen.
It's not my responsibility to make sure that the other person feels heard. If a person does not feel like that I am not listening, they have to represent their needs and request that I stop talking. My responsibility is to pay attention to that request and listen.

How much I believe the alternative narrative:
55% - But I talk too much....

45% - I will try to observe myself in conversation and note when I am pushing my agendas instead of listening.

Rate Moods Now (after the exercise)
Hurt: 60% - people who love me have figured out how to talk to me. I am worthy.
Angry: 30%
Defensive: 20% - XXXX is not going to figure this out with me.

Chasing my own tail

I had to take a month off from work. For the first time nearly 10 years, I had to sit down and seriously think about where I am and how I got here. It has not been an easy few weeks.

Let's see, first the background:

I was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I also have Hashimoto's Syndrome. Both of these issues can cause depression. I already suffer from chronic depression, so I was hit with a big sledgehammer of depression.

It's not like I suddenly got depressed in November. I have been having issues for quite a while. But nothing was pulling me out of it. Add to that some major relationship issues (that gets complicated, I'll get to that later) and some problems at work and I was burnt out. I had to just stop.

Regrettably, that did not happen. Yes, I took a month off from work, but I didn't stop. Instead I allowed my worst demons to run the show.

Let me name them for you:

• Demon #1 "I am not good enough"
• Demon #2 "I don't care enough about others"
• Demon #3 "I am not worthy of love"

I am the child and grandchild of alcoholics. I am a textbook case. Some highlights:

1. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
2. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
3. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
4. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

Yep, my demons go back a long way.

 Last night, I told someone that I was no longer going to spend time with them. It isn't because of things they do, but because spending time with them is exacerbating my ACA (adult child of an alcoholic) self. I am so fucking done being the victim of my own upbringing.

I discussed this today with my therapist. She is going to be gone for most of February, so she gave me homework.

She assigned me to read: Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think and Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair.

This is where I am starting. I'm not going to chase my tail anymore. I'm going to do something.

"I'm too old to go chasing around, wasting my precious energy."

Benjamin and I started talking again. There were some texts, a few e-mails and we have met in person twice, trying to rescue this sad excuse for a relationship.

I know that it is ill advised. I knew that things wouldn't get better. But I still held out hope.

I e-mailed him that if there were no positive interactions, there is no reason to continue spending time together. I wish that it were otherwise, but this is just tiresome. He responded that he would respond today, but I am not sure what he could possibly stay. I am not hopeful.

Benjamin is too far gone. Every interaction has been negative. I am not sure how to explain it, but we can no longer effectively talk. It feels that every recent communication between us has been increasingly negative. I finally just had to give up. I can see no way for us to salvage anything.


I have two songs today:

I want something and someone who no longer exists. I am going to deeply miss my relationship with Benjamin, but the person I thought I knew and loved, not the depressed and negative person I only see now.

"Just a second we're not broken just bent"

Benjamin and I texted a bit last night as then he responded with a longer than usual email. It went..., well it went.

I am not sure how to feel about it. I feel like we cleared some things up, but maybe not. I don't see much hope for us reestablishing our relationship. I am not sure how to even answer him.

I keep looking at his reply and the words just add up to us not being able to have a relationship. I don't know what he wants.

I just wish we could fix it.

"But you know that I called you, I called too many times..."

Tonight's mantra:

I will not contact Benjamin.
Benjamin will not contact me.
There is no way for me to change this reality.

I will not contact Benjamin.
Benjamin will not contact me.
There is no way for me to change this reality.

I will not contact Benjamin.
Benjamin will not contact me.
There is no way for me to change this reality.

I will not contact Benjamin. 
Benjamin will not contact me.
There is no way for me to change this reality.

God, why am I so pathetic?

Give Me One Reason

Hard Day's Night

My son may not graduate from high school as scheduled. There's a lot to the story, but my part was being so caught up in my own life that I didn't pay attention to what was going on with his. Between my the diabetes and the depression, I let things slip. That's hitting really hard right now. I have to wait until tomorrow before I know the outcome.

I drove home from my son's school and my first instinct was to tell Benjamin. Yeah, I know, pathetic, right? However Benjamin has been really important for discussing issues with my son. He isn't a parent and he doesn't know my son well. However, he's been through a parents divorce and he could sometimes give me insight. More importantly, he doesn't have 12 years of resentment against my son's father, unlike my husband and me.

I know I've bitched about the sexual relationship and probably have written conflicting things. I didn't bother to edit because, fuck it, my damn blog. But today hurt. Today hurt a lot because I wanted to text Benjamin and get that positive encouragement and affirmation. I wanted my supportive best friend. I have other friends and I will talk to them, but today driving by Benjamin's exit on the freeway, I felt the ache like a goddamned knife. I bloody miss him.

I didn't text though. I am pretty sure he'd be decent, but it would be false. He'd say something nice and then follow it up with the same old crap. I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't my friend, he isn't my boyfriend, he isn't anything but the person who got bored with me and stopped caring. It may not be totally true, but it's the only way I can survive this break up.

I've been grieving the loss of a lover. Today I just miss my friend. You might wonder why I don't give in and accept his offer of "just friends". I wish I could. However, I know that the offer is as false as his sympathy would be. He wants me to be his friend with the terms he finds comfortable. He won't consider and hasn't considered my needs. He didn't consider me when he started up with Becca. Actually, I'm starting to think that he never really considered me at all, just that my needs and his desires were parallel enough that I didn't notice until he wanted someone other than me. Why bother if I know the end result?

Today makes a week since we texted. Tomorrow will mark a week since we had any contact. It's been 17 days since we've seen each other. Soon I'll be marking time in weeks and months.

Hopefully more time will mean I won't cry like I did last night or on the drive home today. Until then, one more day has gone by and I haven't broken my promise; I've written no texts, no e-mails, nor had any contact.

Do I wish he would contact me? Oh heavens, yes. Every time I get a text, every time I get an email I hope it's from Benjamin. But then I remind myself that he won't, because he thinks he's right and I'm the unreasonable one. He won't come to my terms and I know his don't work for my health and well being.

I'm really fucking tired of my heart not getting the memo. I'm tired of my life reminding me of all the ways he's not a part of it anymore.

"hello from the outside"

It's okay if I post more than once a day. My blog and its for me. I can write whatever I want here, because my friends don't need to hear me whine more.

I think this may be the longest that Benjamin and I have gone without talking since we met. Texts, e-mails, phone calls, it didn't matter, but even while fighting we would usually clear it up within 48 hours. It's been nearly a week.

I keep thinking I should text him. It's still a habit. I'll see something online or think of something and think, "I should tell that to Benjamin." Then I remember that I can't. I think it happens like 15 times per day still. It hurts every fucking time, too. I hate it.

I think to myself, why don't I just talk to him? I am sure we can clear this up.

Then I remember what he said; what made me so angry: "While it's likely a sexual relationship would resume, I would much rather be prepared for the worst than to deal with the consequences later, which it sounds like could result in more fights and us breaking up." (copied without permission)

A lack of sex was not a deal breaker. If we could have sat down and discussed it, calmly and rationally, we might have been able to make it work. I was angry because when we were together and should have been discussing his concerns about a sexual relationship, he was fucking me.

Benjamin is right, we have enough of a relationship that not having sex didn't have to be the end of it. What he didn't understand is that we weren't talking, he was telling me stuff that just didn't make sense. I don't believe that he understood that it felt like a rejection at a time when that's the last thing I need. That's why I took it so hard. I never said I was unwilling or unable to be sympathetic, understanding and even supportive. (I'm still firmly on the "get to a fucking therapist" team though.)

I suppose that what hurts the most. I didn't know that Benjamin thought so little me or had so little trust in how much he means to me. Of course, I am sure that Benjamin will tell me that he remembers it differently and that I am wrong.

Regardless, there's no reason to contact him, because what will be different? 

Let's Dance

I went dancing yesterday. It was the first time I've been dancing without Benjamin. While I had done contra before I met him, he was the one who got me into it and we had been dancing together for the past two years.

I had a good time. Once I started moving, I didn't think about him much. Only the waltzes were difficult. Benjamin and I could fall into a waltz that was like magic. I have been waltzing for more than half my life, I know how rare it is to find a partner that just clicks perfectly.

I like contra. It's not difficult, but it's engaging and unlike ballroom dancing, I don't feel like I have to hustle for partners. I think I should do more, but therein lies the rub.

I told Benjamin that I got the contra closest to my house and he could have the multiple ones near his. But if I get into contra, it is likely that I will have to see him sooner than later. It is likely that I will have to see him in a dance set.

I won't be an ass. I won't play the games of not looking at him or not touching him. I'd dance with him. But it would hurt.  That is what frightens me, is feeling his hands on me and knowing that they were just there for the duration of the phrase, the measure of the dance. I think it would break my heart.  (While it's easy enough to not partner up, contra is all about mixing and dancing with everyone. It's not a dance style that is kind to exes trying to avoid each other.

The next contra dance is this Sunday and it is equidistant between our houses. I could write to him and ask/tell/plead that I get this venue as well. I could skip it. I could go and deal with it if I see him.

I think it would be easier if I didn't think that seeing each other would remind us of how we actually feel about each other (or how he used to feel about me). We've been fighting for the past two weeks (well until I finally put a nail in it by telling him I never wanted to talk to him again and I regretted our relationship). However we haven't had to see each other. We haven't had to look at the other and say, "it's over".

I am not sure what scares me more, seeing him and still wanting him or seeing him and having to deal with the fact that he no longer wants me.

I am going to see my theyfriend for lunch today. One of the things I asked them was to discuss the upcoming dance venues. I did not end this relationship. I am not going to spend another year hiding out because of someone's hurt feelings. I am going to dance and dance where I choose (within reason). If Kevin (whose a whole other story) or Benjamin don't like it, they can go fuck themselves.

I just want to have my life back. I wish that cycling, dancing, hiking, and so many of the other physical things that I have to keep doing for my health didn't remind me of Benjamin. I found a new cycling buddy. I will try to find a new hiking buddy or just go it alone. However dancing is the best exercise for me and the one that is most fraught. It makes me even angrier at him. I need to get myself healthy. It would have been better if he had left me in September, when he and Becca first started. It would have sucked, but it would have been easier.

But I tried, dammit. I tried to make things work and so now I have all that wasted energy to regret for a relationship that ended so badly. I know it's not all his fault, but dammit, if he had just given me some more time, I might have been able to get through the crazy.

Whatever, I need to get off this line of thinking. The relationship is over. It doesn't matter what went wrong, who did what or why. It's over and done and there is nothing I can do to change it. I just need to figure out how to move forward.

The next question in front of me, do I go to a contra dance where I will like see Benjamin and Becca together? Can I handle it without falling apart?

Pity the child

I am not sure who, if anyone, is reading this. I don't suppose it matters, but I have changed names and I will try to avoid dropping identifying information. That doesn't mean I am going to be nice or fair. I don't have to be and I don't want to be. I am angry. I got dumped by someone I love just when life was kicking me in the ass. How is that fair? How is that right? Who does that to someone and expects to be friends?

The purpose of this little blog is to allow me to process stuff. At least it is now and for as long as I want it to. You don't have to read it.

Okay, now that disclaimers are stated, here goes.

I realized that I am not being particularly fair to Benjamin. He is a decent guy. I don't really hate the man. I am just deeply frustrated and angry with him. We had a good thing going. We were getting to that wonderful point in a relationship where we were getting to know each other and trust each other. I believe that he doesn't understand long term relationships, he's never had one. I mean there is his relationship with Shivani, but I think they were always friends with benefits. Sex doesn't seem very important to Shivani or a defining part of their relationship.

We had been together for two years. Sex stops being all stars and fireworks. Arousal isn't automatic and that's when it gets interesting. It's when two (or more) people can start putting together intimacy that goes beyond the physical and encompasses so much more. It's amazing and I really thought that Benjamin and I were getting to that place. I was enjoying doing things to him more and he seemed to enjoy doing things to me.

Apparently I was wrong, because he claims to have emotional issues and sex is no longer on the table. Oh, it might be, he said, probably one day. Fuck that noise. Either you want to fuck or you don't. If you don't, then that ends the relationship. Friends, maybe, but probably not, because why do I need to be friends with someone who lies to themselves and to me?

The funny thing, his issues with sex started about the same time as his intense friendship with Becca, I'm not saying it was all his fault. Remember the condition I mentioned. Well, it seems that I have been dealing with physical and mental issues for the past few months. My endocrine system was far worse off than I realized. So I went crazy and needy while he had a better friend to play with.

I don't actually know if Becca is making him happy or if he can be happy. Benjamin doesn't tell people things. He holds things back. He hides how he feels from everyone, including himself. I tried to talk to Benjamin and instead of him telling me how he's feeling or thinking about how anyone else feels, he stays in a depressive hole. Of course he likes Becca, she feeds his depression and indulges it. I expected him to be supportive of me, because I needed him. I got tired of indulging his emotional storms. I started walking out on them and calling him on his bullshit. The more I expected him to act like a caring adult, the more he acted like a bratty child. I stopped being fun. I told him to seek help, so he told me to go away.

Actually that isn't true. Benjamin has told me over and over how much he values our friendship. I wish I believed it had anything to do with me, but it doesn't. He's just alienated and isolated himself from just about everyone else. He's down to Becca now. I don't believe he has any other local friends. He doesn't want to sleep with me, but he still wants me to fulfill his emotional needs. He was more than happy to keep the relationship, but only if it was on his terms.

So I don't hate him. I mostly pity him. I miss him, yes, but I have support. I posted about being down on Facebook and nearly 50 people chimed in with their support. I have friends and family who are texting me and calling me. This isn't easy, but I know I am loved. I don't believe he could say the same and that seems very sad to me.

I wonder how he is doing without me. Does he miss me? Does he wish that we had proceeded differently? Does he regret losing our relationship?

I suppose it doesn't matter. I miss him. I wish that we were still together and I deeply regret losing our relationship. I shall just have to let him go. What else can I do? By his own admission, Benjamin has been inflexible and and stubborn. I can't fix him and if he won't help himself, then there is nothing to do but protect myself.

Nothings Fair in Love, so we go to War

It's been 14 days since we've seen each other in person.

It's been about 4 days since I wrote the last e-mail.

I have no idea what is going on with Benjamin for the first time in over 2 years. I don't know how he is feeling, what he is thinking, what is going on with him. I feel so powerless. I know that it isn't my business. I know it isn't my job to fix him. But habits are hard to break and I admit, I am worried.

I forgot how it feels to lose someone you love. I forgot the utter emptiness of an ended relationship. I thought this would be worth it. I thought that the loving would be worth the pain. I know that I am not terribly objective, but at the moment, I would rather the relationship not happened than to have to go through this.

I learned to love Benjamin. Love in a way that I hadn't for years.

Starving (links to a youtube video)

And now it's over. I don't even know why. I asked Ben, but he could never give me an answer, just excuses and apologies. He apologized for hurting me, but he didn't stop.

I think he got bored with me. I admit, I was pretty boring, too. I had the temerity to get sick. I don't mean like a cold, I mean I was diagnosed with a life-long condition. I had to take care of my health instead of his emotional problems. Couple with that that he started up with Becca. Actually, to add insult to injury, she wasn't someone new. She was a friend he knew before me. He said that they are "just friends", but there is a whole lot of intimacy for just friends. When they started up, Ben and I started having problems.

So he's bored, I'm sick and he has something more interesting to distract him. His answer, to suggest that after two years of dating we just "be friends". I can't imagine what would hurt more, to be told by someone that you love that you no longer matter, or to be told that you are only good enough to be a friend because they found someone more interesting and with fewer problems.

I guess there is no answer that will make me feel better. There is no way to get through this than to just make it through another day, another hour.

And as easy as that, love has turned into hate. I told Benjamin that I wished that the relationship between us had never happened. I told him I don't want to see him again. I want nothing more than to see him left abandoned and alone when he is at his lowest. I want him to know how it feels to be told that he is worthless to someone whom he thought would care for him.

I hope that I get over this. I can't wait for the day that I don't love or hate Benjamin. I just want the day when he simply doesn't matter to me to arrive soon. Until then, I guess I will just have to remember how awful he made me feel so that I get through the hours, days, weeks, and months to follow.

I was supposed to go dancing tonight. I was supposed to go dancing with my daughter in Oakland tonight. I had avoided the event because I did not want to cause pain to Kevin. While I know I am not responsible for someone else's feelings, I was trying to be sympathetic and understanding of Kevin's feelings.

I felt that I had given Kevin enough time to deal with his issues with me. It's a public dance event. My daughter would feel welcome and accepted at a queer oriented event. I wanted to bring her.

So why am I not there? Because now I have a new person to fucking avoid. The reason my problems with Kevin started in the first place, Benjamin.

Long story short, I was dumped. I got the "we can be friends" line, which would have been fine if Ben hadn't decided that I was boring and that he could do better with someone else. What's really bad? He won't even admit that there is someone else. He says they are just friends. Funny how he lost interest in me after he started seeing her.

I don't want to see him. I don't want to see him with her. If I go to the dance event, that's what I have to face. I have to tell my daughter to either go alone (she's 22) or tell her to wait until her mother gets over some guy who dumped her.

I am hurt, I am pissed, and I am frustrated. I don't understand what went wrong in the relationship, other than it had to be ended because the guy was tired of me. It hurts more than I can explain. I am embarrassed, how could I have been so stupid to love someone who would treat me like this?