Pity the child

I am not sure who, if anyone, is reading this. I don't suppose it matters, but I have changed names and I will try to avoid dropping identifying information. That doesn't mean I am going to be nice or fair. I don't have to be and I don't want to be. I am angry. I got dumped by someone I love just when life was kicking me in the ass. How is that fair? How is that right? Who does that to someone and expects to be friends?

The purpose of this little blog is to allow me to process stuff. At least it is now and for as long as I want it to. You don't have to read it.

Okay, now that disclaimers are stated, here goes.

I realized that I am not being particularly fair to Benjamin. He is a decent guy. I don't really hate the man. I am just deeply frustrated and angry with him. We had a good thing going. We were getting to that wonderful point in a relationship where we were getting to know each other and trust each other. I believe that he doesn't understand long term relationships, he's never had one. I mean there is his relationship with Shivani, but I think they were always friends with benefits. Sex doesn't seem very important to Shivani or a defining part of their relationship.

We had been together for two years. Sex stops being all stars and fireworks. Arousal isn't automatic and that's when it gets interesting. It's when two (or more) people can start putting together intimacy that goes beyond the physical and encompasses so much more. It's amazing and I really thought that Benjamin and I were getting to that place. I was enjoying doing things to him more and he seemed to enjoy doing things to me.

Apparently I was wrong, because he claims to have emotional issues and sex is no longer on the table. Oh, it might be, he said, probably one day. Fuck that noise. Either you want to fuck or you don't. If you don't, then that ends the relationship. Friends, maybe, but probably not, because why do I need to be friends with someone who lies to themselves and to me?

The funny thing, his issues with sex started about the same time as his intense friendship with Becca, I'm not saying it was all his fault. Remember the condition I mentioned. Well, it seems that I have been dealing with physical and mental issues for the past few months. My endocrine system was far worse off than I realized. So I went crazy and needy while he had a better friend to play with.

I don't actually know if Becca is making him happy or if he can be happy. Benjamin doesn't tell people things. He holds things back. He hides how he feels from everyone, including himself. I tried to talk to Benjamin and instead of him telling me how he's feeling or thinking about how anyone else feels, he stays in a depressive hole. Of course he likes Becca, she feeds his depression and indulges it. I expected him to be supportive of me, because I needed him. I got tired of indulging his emotional storms. I started walking out on them and calling him on his bullshit. The more I expected him to act like a caring adult, the more he acted like a bratty child. I stopped being fun. I told him to seek help, so he told me to go away.

Actually that isn't true. Benjamin has told me over and over how much he values our friendship. I wish I believed it had anything to do with me, but it doesn't. He's just alienated and isolated himself from just about everyone else. He's down to Becca now. I don't believe he has any other local friends. He doesn't want to sleep with me, but he still wants me to fulfill his emotional needs. He was more than happy to keep the relationship, but only if it was on his terms.

So I don't hate him. I mostly pity him. I miss him, yes, but I have support. I posted about being down on Facebook and nearly 50 people chimed in with their support. I have friends and family who are texting me and calling me. This isn't easy, but I know I am loved. I don't believe he could say the same and that seems very sad to me.

I wonder how he is doing without me. Does he miss me? Does he wish that we had proceeded differently? Does he regret losing our relationship?

I suppose it doesn't matter. I miss him. I wish that we were still together and I deeply regret losing our relationship. I shall just have to let him go. What else can I do? By his own admission, Benjamin has been inflexible and and stubborn. I can't fix him and if he won't help himself, then there is nothing to do but protect myself.