My son may not graduate from high school as scheduled. There's a lot to the story, but my part was being so caught up in my own life that I didn't pay attention to what was going on with his. Between my the diabetes and the depression, I let things slip. That's hitting really hard right now. I have to wait until tomorrow before I know the outcome.
I drove home from my son's school and my first instinct was to tell Benjamin. Yeah, I know, pathetic, right? However Benjamin has been really important for discussing issues with my son. He isn't a parent and he doesn't know my son well. However, he's been through a parents divorce and he could sometimes give me insight. More importantly, he doesn't have 12 years of resentment against my son's father, unlike my husband and me.
I know I've bitched about the sexual relationship and probably have written conflicting things. I didn't bother to edit because, fuck it, my damn blog. But today hurt. Today hurt a lot because I wanted to text Benjamin and get that positive encouragement and affirmation. I wanted my supportive best friend. I have other friends and I will talk to them, but today driving by Benjamin's exit on the freeway, I felt the ache like a goddamned knife. I bloody miss him.
I didn't text though. I am pretty sure he'd be decent, but it would be false. He'd say something nice and then follow it up with the same old crap. I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't my friend, he isn't my boyfriend, he isn't anything but the person who got bored with me and stopped caring. It may not be totally true, but it's the only way I can survive this break up.
I've been grieving the loss of a lover. Today I just miss my friend. You might wonder why I don't give in and accept his offer of "just friends". I wish I could. However, I know that the offer is as false as his sympathy would be. He wants me to be his friend with the terms he finds comfortable. He won't consider and hasn't considered my needs. He didn't consider me when he started up with Becca. Actually, I'm starting to think that he never really considered me at all, just that my needs and his desires were parallel enough that I didn't notice until he wanted someone other than me. Why bother if I know the end result?
Today makes a week since we texted. Tomorrow will mark a week since we had any contact. It's been 17 days since we've seen each other. Soon I'll be marking time in weeks and months.
Hopefully more time will mean I won't cry like I did last night or on the drive home today. Until then, one more day has gone by and I haven't broken my promise; I've written no texts, no e-mails, nor had any contact.
Do I wish he would contact me? Oh heavens, yes. Every time I get a text, every time I get an email I hope it's from Benjamin. But then I remind myself that he won't, because he thinks he's right and I'm the unreasonable one. He won't come to my terms and I know his don't work for my health and well being.
I'm really fucking tired of my heart not getting the memo. I'm tired of my life reminding me of all the ways he's not a part of it anymore.
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