Chasing my own tail

I had to take a month off from work. For the first time nearly 10 years, I had to sit down and seriously think about where I am and how I got here. It has not been an easy few weeks.

Let's see, first the background:

I was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I also have Hashimoto's Syndrome. Both of these issues can cause depression. I already suffer from chronic depression, so I was hit with a big sledgehammer of depression.

It's not like I suddenly got depressed in November. I have been having issues for quite a while. But nothing was pulling me out of it. Add to that some major relationship issues (that gets complicated, I'll get to that later) and some problems at work and I was burnt out. I had to just stop.

Regrettably, that did not happen. Yes, I took a month off from work, but I didn't stop. Instead I allowed my worst demons to run the show.

Let me name them for you:

• Demon #1 "I am not good enough"
• Demon #2 "I don't care enough about others"
• Demon #3 "I am not worthy of love"

I am the child and grandchild of alcoholics. I am a textbook case. Some highlights:

1. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
2. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
3. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
4. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

Yep, my demons go back a long way.

 Last night, I told someone that I was no longer going to spend time with them. It isn't because of things they do, but because spending time with them is exacerbating my ACA (adult child of an alcoholic) self. I am so fucking done being the victim of my own upbringing.

I discussed this today with my therapist. She is going to be gone for most of February, so she gave me homework.

She assigned me to read: Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think and Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair.

This is where I am starting. I'm not going to chase my tail anymore. I'm going to do something.