"hello from the outside"

It's okay if I post more than once a day. My blog and its for me. I can write whatever I want here, because my friends don't need to hear me whine more.

I think this may be the longest that Benjamin and I have gone without talking since we met. Texts, e-mails, phone calls, it didn't matter, but even while fighting we would usually clear it up within 48 hours. It's been nearly a week.

I keep thinking I should text him. It's still a habit. I'll see something online or think of something and think, "I should tell that to Benjamin." Then I remember that I can't. I think it happens like 15 times per day still. It hurts every fucking time, too. I hate it.

I think to myself, why don't I just talk to him? I am sure we can clear this up.

Then I remember what he said; what made me so angry: "While it's likely a sexual relationship would resume, I would much rather be prepared for the worst than to deal with the consequences later, which it sounds like could result in more fights and us breaking up." (copied without permission)

A lack of sex was not a deal breaker. If we could have sat down and discussed it, calmly and rationally, we might have been able to make it work. I was angry because when we were together and should have been discussing his concerns about a sexual relationship, he was fucking me.

Benjamin is right, we have enough of a relationship that not having sex didn't have to be the end of it. What he didn't understand is that we weren't talking, he was telling me stuff that just didn't make sense. I don't believe that he understood that it felt like a rejection at a time when that's the last thing I need. That's why I took it so hard. I never said I was unwilling or unable to be sympathetic, understanding and even supportive. (I'm still firmly on the "get to a fucking therapist" team though.)

I suppose that what hurts the most. I didn't know that Benjamin thought so little me or had so little trust in how much he means to me. Of course, I am sure that Benjamin will tell me that he remembers it differently and that I am wrong.

Regardless, there's no reason to contact him, because what will be different?