Nothings Fair in Love, so we go to War

It's been 14 days since we've seen each other in person.

It's been about 4 days since I wrote the last e-mail.

I have no idea what is going on with Benjamin for the first time in over 2 years. I don't know how he is feeling, what he is thinking, what is going on with him. I feel so powerless. I know that it isn't my business. I know it isn't my job to fix him. But habits are hard to break and I admit, I am worried.

I forgot how it feels to lose someone you love. I forgot the utter emptiness of an ended relationship. I thought this would be worth it. I thought that the loving would be worth the pain. I know that I am not terribly objective, but at the moment, I would rather the relationship not happened than to have to go through this.

I learned to love Benjamin. Love in a way that I hadn't for years.

Starving (links to a youtube video)

And now it's over. I don't even know why. I asked Ben, but he could never give me an answer, just excuses and apologies. He apologized for hurting me, but he didn't stop.

I think he got bored with me. I admit, I was pretty boring, too. I had the temerity to get sick. I don't mean like a cold, I mean I was diagnosed with a life-long condition. I had to take care of my health instead of his emotional problems. Couple with that that he started up with Becca. Actually, to add insult to injury, she wasn't someone new. She was a friend he knew before me. He said that they are "just friends", but there is a whole lot of intimacy for just friends. When they started up, Ben and I started having problems.

So he's bored, I'm sick and he has something more interesting to distract him. His answer, to suggest that after two years of dating we just "be friends". I can't imagine what would hurt more, to be told by someone that you love that you no longer matter, or to be told that you are only good enough to be a friend because they found someone more interesting and with fewer problems.

I guess there is no answer that will make me feel better. There is no way to get through this than to just make it through another day, another hour.

And as easy as that, love has turned into hate. I told Benjamin that I wished that the relationship between us had never happened. I told him I don't want to see him again. I want nothing more than to see him left abandoned and alone when he is at his lowest. I want him to know how it feels to be told that he is worthless to someone whom he thought would care for him.

I hope that I get over this. I can't wait for the day that I don't love or hate Benjamin. I just want the day when he simply doesn't matter to me to arrive soon. Until then, I guess I will just have to remember how awful he made me feel so that I get through the hours, days, weeks, and months to follow.