Let's Dance

I went dancing yesterday. It was the first time I've been dancing without Benjamin. While I had done contra before I met him, he was the one who got me into it and we had been dancing together for the past two years.

I had a good time. Once I started moving, I didn't think about him much. Only the waltzes were difficult. Benjamin and I could fall into a waltz that was like magic. I have been waltzing for more than half my life, I know how rare it is to find a partner that just clicks perfectly.

I like contra. It's not difficult, but it's engaging and unlike ballroom dancing, I don't feel like I have to hustle for partners. I think I should do more, but therein lies the rub.

I told Benjamin that I got the contra closest to my house and he could have the multiple ones near his. But if I get into contra, it is likely that I will have to see him sooner than later. It is likely that I will have to see him in a dance set.

I won't be an ass. I won't play the games of not looking at him or not touching him. I'd dance with him. But it would hurt.  That is what frightens me, is feeling his hands on me and knowing that they were just there for the duration of the phrase, the measure of the dance. I think it would break my heart.  (While it's easy enough to not partner up, contra is all about mixing and dancing with everyone. It's not a dance style that is kind to exes trying to avoid each other.

The next contra dance is this Sunday and it is equidistant between our houses. I could write to him and ask/tell/plead that I get this venue as well. I could skip it. I could go and deal with it if I see him.

I think it would be easier if I didn't think that seeing each other would remind us of how we actually feel about each other (or how he used to feel about me). We've been fighting for the past two weeks (well until I finally put a nail in it by telling him I never wanted to talk to him again and I regretted our relationship). However we haven't had to see each other. We haven't had to look at the other and say, "it's over".

I am not sure what scares me more, seeing him and still wanting him or seeing him and having to deal with the fact that he no longer wants me.

I am going to see my theyfriend for lunch today. One of the things I asked them was to discuss the upcoming dance venues. I did not end this relationship. I am not going to spend another year hiding out because of someone's hurt feelings. I am going to dance and dance where I choose (within reason). If Kevin (whose a whole other story) or Benjamin don't like it, they can go fuck themselves.

I just want to have my life back. I wish that cycling, dancing, hiking, and so many of the other physical things that I have to keep doing for my health didn't remind me of Benjamin. I found a new cycling buddy. I will try to find a new hiking buddy or just go it alone. However dancing is the best exercise for me and the one that is most fraught. It makes me even angrier at him. I need to get myself healthy. It would have been better if he had left me in September, when he and Becca first started. It would have sucked, but it would have been easier.

But I tried, dammit. I tried to make things work and so now I have all that wasted energy to regret for a relationship that ended so badly. I know it's not all his fault, but dammit, if he had just given me some more time, I might have been able to get through the crazy.

Whatever, I need to get off this line of thinking. The relationship is over. It doesn't matter what went wrong, who did what or why. It's over and done and there is nothing I can do to change it. I just need to figure out how to move forward.

The next question in front of me, do I go to a contra dance where I will like see Benjamin and Becca together? Can I handle it without falling apart?