"I remember myself as a lonely child..."

Today would have been my stepsister's 49th birthday. She died on April 2, 2007, the day before her 39th. She died after putting my father's house into foreclosure and leaving me with a huge financial and emotional clusterfuck to clean up. While she had some fine qualities, mostly I remember her as someone who used others and expected people to take care of her messes for her. One of the reasons for the animosity between my father and I (He died 5 1/2 years ago) was because it always felt like he would help her out, but because I was good, old, reliable Rachel, I was expected to do things on my own and without his assistance. Laura, on the other hand, always got the handout, the treat, the help when she needed it.

I am very good at taking care of things. I am probably too good at it.

I don't know how to ask for help.  In part, because of my parents, I am pretty sure that even if I do ask for help, I'll be told that I am perfectly capable of handling things, like I always do, like I have always done. I am the good daughter, the good mother, the good wife. I don't really need help, do I?

The one person I am not good to? Myself.

The reason I haven't been writing is because therapy was very difficult a few days ago. It was the good sort of challenging. It was the breakthrough and figure shit out type of session. But it was also really painful.

I am scared that if I don't do things for people, if I am not reliable Rachel, people will consider me a burden. However if I do need things, that's just too damn bad, because there are people who need more than me.

Regrettably, I have been in a number of relationships that have reinforced this belief. My ex-husband loved women with problems. He wanted to fix them, help them, make things better. That was wonderful when I had problems. However, there came a time when he started helping other women (under the auspice of our poly relationship.) My ex expected me to take care of things on my own; he didn't understand why I expected attention, even though I didn't have a chronic condition or emotional issues. What I took away from that relationship was similar to the lesson I learned from my father, squeaky wheels get the grease, but I am not allowed to squeak.

At the moment I feel like a doormat. I feel like people have all these expectations of me and I am not meeting them, so no one is really paying attention. I think to myself, "Gosh I wish I could ask this person or that person for something" but then I realize that there are all sorts of reasons their needs take priority, so I just don't bother.

I mentioned lawyer guy and while I think that the friend who made it clear that he probably just lacked resources was right on target, it's an easy way to show this has recently been applied. I was a "good date." I demonstrated my interest. I dressed up for our encounters. I kept plans, and I made an effort. I was understanding about boundaries and deadlines. I communicated clearly about my limitations. I played by the rules as they were explained to me.

I expressed that I found our sexual encounters one-sided and that I would like that to change and could we discuss it further? I didn't hear from him for a few days and when I did, I got a polite "I am sorry, but I am unable to meet your needs nor do I have an intention of trying because we shouldn't see each other anymore."

The problem isn't that I had needs, but that I expressed them in the wrong way, at the wrong time or didn't understand his lack of resources. Regardless of why, asking for my needs to be met only got me abandoned...again. Why ask if that is the result? Why not just walk away? It would have been simpler and less hurtful.

I spent the weekend sick. I wasn't dying in bed with a fever sick. I was just blah. So I was left to my own devices. No company, no companionable movie watching, no attention, no texts to see how I was doing. I spent the weekend feeling ignored. The people who did contact me wanted something; once I fulfilled my use to them, I felt forgotten. No I didn't reach out to anyone, because they had better things to do than tell me, "poor baby" and why would I want to be told how unimportant I am?

I know life and love can't be figured on a tally sheet. I know that attention is not supposed to be an exchange of favors. Hell, I can think of a few people who could rightfully say that I am in debt to them. I know that I am really bad at paying attention to people when they are out of sight.

But that was the thing that made me cry, like really break down and cry in therapy. I'll do for anyone else. I'll give my all to a friend, a lover, a group. But I won't do a damn thing for myself. I always make myself the lowest priority. Why should anyone make me a priority if I won't do it for myself?

So I need to think about who I am letting make the priorities in my life and why. But I am scared as hell that if I do that, I will end up abandoned and alone, while people tell me that I am perfectly capable of handling things on my own.