I teach psychology. One of the things I teach the students is that by stating something out loud or by writing it down, it is more likely to be internalized. It makes the information tangible and more likely to be remembered. In the case of a public declaration, it makes the person more likely to stick by what they say.
I have mentioned, on occasion, that I have been in an on again/off again relationship. It is probably obvious to anyone who has been reading that the relationship has not been going well and has resulted in many of the more emotional entries in this journal.
A quick bit of background. My husband and I are non-monogamous. My husband is fully aware of my activities with this other person. It was with deep regret when I told my husband that I felt that I had no alternative but to end the relationship. While the relationship has had its issues in the past, I felt that I still had more to learn from this person and that, with sufficient effort on both of our parts, we would work out something. This person has been a part of my life for over two years and I have found it very difficult to let this relationship end.
I am not going to identify this person by name. I know that many of you know of whom I am speaking. While I am very angry with this person, we do share some social circles. I do not wish to have their life adversely impacted by people choosing sides or otherwise judging them. I understand that this person is friend, cast mate, or otherwise a part of your life. Please feel free to skip the entries that involve this person. I understand and will not be offended if you prefer not to read about the emotional fallout of a volatile relationship ending. I do not wish to sow dissent. I won't promise to be objective; please try and remember that I am very biased and am likely to say things that are hurtful.
I have been told that it's my blog and I can write what I want to. I believe that getting through this is going to take a lot of processing on my part. I have not had to walk away from a deeply meaningful relationship for many years. I do not know how to do it and I am not sure how to deal with the pain or the loss. What I will do is label the entries where I am discussing the relationship with a red title.
As for how I am doing:
Body: I had forgotten the physical toll that ending a relationship takes. I know part of the problem is that I am still recovering from an illness. I am not sure what is sickness and what is heart pain. I imagine that there is a mix. I started crying as I was leaving work and I cried all the way home. I simply could not stop. I have been nauseous and I am having trouble falling asleep and having even more trouble waking up.
Heart: How does a decision that I know is the right one have to hurt so bad? I don't think my heart has hurt this badly since my divorce 13 years ago.
Mind: I could not justify remaining in this relationship after this past weekend. This past weekend was not the worse thing that has happened between us, but it was my final straw. I didn't realize it until I wrote the e-mail yesterday. I didn't set out to write to the person and end the relationship. I don't believe I realized what I had done until I reread it later and realized that I had effectively broken up with them. Given their continued silence, I can only assume that they are choosing not to engage with me further.
Like any relationship that has come to an end, there are a hundred moments that I could point to and say "There, that's when it was over." I could list all the things that I feel that this person has done wrong. I could be honest and list all the things I have done wrong. I know that there is fault on both sides and that we both contributed to the end of this relationship.
I am going to explain why I felt that this past weekend was the last straw. It is not to bring down judgement on the other person, but so that when I go through the next round of wanting to apologize, to forgive, to try and put the relationship back together, I will have recorded why that would be a very bad idea. I feel that what happened this past weekend is indicative of why this relationship must end and that this time there can be no chance of going back to the way things were.
The relationship was in a difficult place. We had already been dealing with concerns that we were harming each other. However, we have been associated for a long time, so we were still communicating and trying to be supportive.
I took Wednesday and Thursday from work last week due to a nasty sinus infection. I went to work on Friday, which I did manage to get through, but it set my health back consdierably. To make things worse, my son and my husband were also sick this past weekend, so the majority of the household was down. I tried to communicate that to this person on Friday.
In a text exchange I said:
"It sounds like you have plenty of work to do this weekend. I'm afraid I have to spend the weekend recovering my health. It's going to be a weekend of sleeping, rest and taking it easy for me. I'm still recovering."
They responded that they were willing to come down and that we could see a movie, work on projects, or just hang out.
I responded that I really didn't know what I would be up for because I was really sick. I told them that I looked forward to seeing them on Saturday. I believe I made my best effort to tell this person that I was doing poorly and would need a lot of support.
While they were visiting, I expressed my concerns that I was asking too much, especially given that they had things to do. They assured me that they cared for me and regardless of the state of our relationship, they wanted to be there to help me.
I told them that while I really wanted them to stay, I knew I was falling apart and that I wasn't sure what they would be able to get done if they stayed.
I was in significant pain. I was still sick. I am also Mom, so that meant that if the rest of the family was ill, I had to what I could to take care of them. I needed to spend the day in bed and recovering. What I ended up doing was pulling myself together and making sure people ate. I got take out on Saturday night. On Sunday, they drove me to the grocery store for food and then I made chicken stew with their help. That was all I was able to accomplish and it wiped me out completely.
On Sunday night, they were withdrawn and unhappy and they mentioned that they hadn't accomplished what they set out to do during the weekend. I apologized and told them that I would understand if they went home to take care of what they needed to do. They reiterated that they were willing to help and that they would stay.
On Monday morning we had a fight. Some of it was old stuff, but it was the point that they made in their e-mail that made me snap:
"What I needed this weekend was easy. I needed to get things done. But of the selected list of things I brought with me that I could do at your house so I could be there for you, what did I get done? As you put it, I did accomplish things. I went to Target. Hooray. That $2 item definitely takes a weight off my shoulders! With that out of the way, I can tackle this week stress-free!" (posted without permission)
I won't go into all the reasons that I feel that this was absolute bullshit and a crappy thing to do to someone when you offered to help them out. I am sure that I am not accurately explaining how I manipulated and forced them into giving up their entire weekend and thus ruined their week.
I also don't fucking care. I feel I have done a lot for this person. There were a lot of things I needed this past weekend and yesterday. What I did not need was someone to blame me because I was sick and accepted their offer of help. If I have asked too much of this person, so be it. If I violated their boundaries, so be it. But I refuse to accept the blame for ruining their weekend and week because I accepted their help and prioritized my healing and recovery over things they needed to get done.
I told my husband last night. I am telling you all now. I am not asking for advice. I have to admit, after this past weekend, I am very reluctant to ask anyone for help, sure that it will get thrown back in my face.
It might be a relatively small thing when looking at a relationship of more than two years, but I needed help, I accepted it and feel like I was punished because I didn't make another person's needs my priority when I was sick.
So I am pulling myself completely out of the relationship. I am going to stop communicating directly with the person. (There is no way to make this blog "private".) I have disconnected from them on social media and I am going to avoid shared social venues as much as I am able. I am going to try and figure out how to get over a relationship that has meant so much and that I invested so much of myself into. I just ask that people give me some latitude while I get through this.
Today's song is an obvious choice, but I guess that's allowed.
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