I have had to make a concerted effort to let go of people that I believe have wronged me. At a certain point, holding on to anger over disagreements about child rearing, money issues, and the other disagreements between me and my ex-husbands just seemed stupid. My children are both over 18. There will always be some financial and emotional crossover between The Dads and me, the fact is that putting my children in the middle when they are trying to plan college, weddings or other life events is not useful. It is easy for a divorce to become acrimonious, but experience has shown me that no matter how unfair I might feel this or that thing was, it seems to be more important to respect my children and their choices than to expect them to choose sides between me and their other parent(s). I don't wish to lie to my children. If they ask for my side of the story, I will give it to them. However, I try to to make sure that they actually want to know what I think, not tell them because I want to vent. (I have wonderful friends for that.)
I did tell my side of the story about an interaction a while ago. I do have a grudge. I am angry. I haven't really let it go. I found out today that the person with whom I have some very bad blood is likely to return to a social activity that we were both a part of. While there were many sources of conflict, one of the big problems is that I felt that this person was trying to push me out of this shared social group. Given that I have allowed them to make me uncomfortable in most of the local contra dances and a couple of other dance venues, I am not happy that their return will likely remove me from one of the few dance venues at this social event where I felt welcome and was made to feel very valued.
I am afraid that another relationship (the on-again/off-again one) will be put under further pressure because of this person's return. I want to be an adult. I recognize that people grow and change. I understand that the right thing to do is just deal and let it all go.
However, I am frustrated. I let myself get pushed out of so many social venues because of this person. I made the choice and I shouldn't blame them, but I do. I want to show them what its like to feel shunned from a place where you once felt welcome. I want them to know what it's like when people don't understand why it's work to go to a social event that used to be a refuge. I want them to know what it's like to have pressure put on your friendships, relationships and your family because someone was so self-absorbed they couldn't seen the negative impact of their actions, only see the revenge they were taking.
I want them to know what it's like to feel like you don't belong and are not welcome in your chosen family.
The sad thing is that this person probably does know how all those things feel. That's what makes it worse. I believe they were ostracized. They went through all of that, more than once. Despite knowing how devastating it can be, I feel that they still used their social status to attack or shun other people (I am not the only one) because they decided they were hurt enough to justify it.
I told one of my students today that sometimes life forces us to let go of these feelings and simply hold our own. There is no retribution. There is no fair. There is going forward and not looking back. I let a couple of the people who were also affected know that this person was to be expected. I will make sure that I have some additional support in case anything happens and offer additional support to those who might need it.
My intention is to simply do my best to avoid this person and hope that they do the same. I have better things to spend my bandwidth on than a fight that happened over two years ago.
However, this is my blog and so here, I am angry and pissed. It still hurts, it still messes with a couple of my important relationships and my refuge from reality feels like it is less safe at a time when I really needed it to feel secure. Dammit, I also want to dance and the group this person is joining is the one that liked me so much last year, they offered me a place. It was one of my favorite places to go and I found out today that it is likely closed to me. I want to stomp and throw tantrums, because I introduced this person to this social venue. They got all of their other venues, they could have left this one thing the fuck alone.
I stumbled on this today and it seemed perfect, so today's song is a cover of a Phil Collins' song by Lorde.
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