"Break those chains that bind you, one night will remind you..."

The #metoo thing has given me lots of pause. I have always been a tom-boy, ran with the guys and for the most part just accepted that I would never be one of them. I have always taken some level of harassment because of it. By the same token, I have been protected because I was the girl. Whether it was online forums when I was in high school, my college gaming group or Renaissance Faires, I took it for granted that if I got into trouble, one of the knights (Sniper Elite, Chevy Slayer, Zindelo, or 'Just Jim') would take care of it. I am probably fortunate that my instances of direct harassment have been relatively rare.

I felt like my post on facebook about my harassment being when I was pregnant made it less important than the many women who have been forcibly harmed or had their consent violated.

That's when it hit me. I have not been directly harassed all that often. A catcall here, a dick pic there, but I can think of only a few instances where my consent was violated. (How sad is that? I think I am lucky because I haven't been harassed as much as other people.) However, consent is a very fluid thing for me. It isn't that I haven't been harassed. It's that I wouldn't define it as such because I never objected.

That is another problem. I usually consent. I don't know how to say no to a partner. As long as they are not asking for anything to heinous, I will go along. I will be GGG. The guy who wanted to choke me after I said no, that was too much. I stopped seeing him. But for the most part, I do as I am asked and do so with enthusiasm. So look at me, I have some standards. I have some agency.

No, I don't.

I haven't the foggiest idea how to look a partner in the eye and tell them. "I would like position A, I want pattern Alpha Sigma, and I would like it now, please." I was never taught that I was allowed to make requests. In fact, when I have asked, I feel like I am usually pushed back. There was the partner who encouraged me to ask for what I wanted. When I did, their response made me feel like they were too busy to see me and they weren't really interested after all. I had the partner who didn't have much of a libido (thank you anti-depressants) and so we were only intimate on the rare occasions when they initiated. There is the partner who would get really emotional about sex and so whenever we were fighting, there was no sex. (Angry, make-up sex is amazing and damn me if I don't miss it.)

I suppose what I am saying is that I feel like that I am not supposed to have a sex drive of my own. I am not supposed to have wants, needs and desires. I am supposed to take care of them myself and not impose on anyone else.

For pity's sake, I just want to get fucked and fucked hard. Why is that so difficult for me to come by? I just feel ugly, unattractive, and worthless, which isn't helping. Desperation is not the perfume I want to wear, but I seem to be soaking in it every day.

My therapist says that I need to develop a relationship with myself. She suggested I get some pretty negligees and being a little more forward about my sexual desires with my partner(s). I like my therapist, I really do. This time I feel like she told me that I should try base jumping, just to give my life a little more excitement. I think it would be easier than admitting that I have needs that aren't getting fulfilled.

I couldn't find a song that really fit, so I decided to just turn to Journey. They had a good line at least and one of the people I mentioned above said today, "if we go our separate ways, please know you are always welcome" so the song has been in my head for most of the day.