(While not directly related to the end of my relationship, the spoon theory was part of our last fight, so I am labeling it as processing. )
I know it is popular to use the spoon theory when discussing depression. I have a number of issues with it. I have spent time with people who are in chronic pain and I can see how the spoon theory has merit. I think that it is an individual decision as to whether or not someone coping with chronic pain wishes to use the spoon theory to describe their experience.
I have some issues with using the same theory to explain depression and anxiety. I agree with Rosemary, who says, "The problem is that appropriation of this term [spoons] for other uses takes away the meaning for our community..." I also don't feel that the spoon theory is accurate. Pardon, I should say it is specifically not accurate for my depression and anxiety. If other people wish to use it, that's their business.
I have to give credit to Jennie Smals who said, 'Often I wake in a morning and think, “Yes! Today is a good day!” Then, within hours, or even minutes, the tides have turned. Maybe my spoons are ninjas? Maybe the borrowers have been rifling through my stash? Whatever it is, I can go from having just enough energy to less than zero quicker than a scrambling fighter jet. Sometimes it’s due to a weather change, sometimes it’s stress. Often I have no clue whatsoever what happened. '
She states, "They [people who were familiar with the spoon theory] had the impression that I had some vestige of control. I do not."
I believe that everyone experiences depression and anxiety their own way. I think that when people use a metaphor, no matter how apt, to define the experience of someone else it only creates misunderstanding and conflict.
As a mother, as a woman, emotional labor is something I don't consider voluntary. I simply do it. I take care of people, my family, my friends, the people who are important to me, regardless of my own resources. I don't consider the cost to myself until I end up paying for it. That is what I feel happened this past weekend. My son was ill, my husband was ill, my housemate was ill. I was ill. My son, my husband and my housemate are all male, so they were sick. I am a woman and so being ill didn't matter, It's my job to make sure everyone was being taken care of.
I think one of the reasons I am so deeply hurt and angry about this past weekend is that the person who came down with the intention to help does not understand that they were expecting me to perform emotional labor. They were willing to help, but when denied my emotional labor or even the illusion that I could provide it, they got angry. They blamed me for taking their resources, their spoons as it were. I had tried to tell them that I would be unable to do any emotional labor this past weekend and that was something that I would needing from them.
While walking my dog, I remembered that they had tried to tell me about their modified spoon theory during the weekend. Instead of listening and considering what they said, I apparently shut them down. I believe that they got angry at me because I was unable to provide them with the emotional labor that listening, caring, and considering what they said would have required of me. I think they got upset because I only had so many resources to spare and I didn't spare any for them.
I don't know if what I feel has any merit. A discussion, I mean a truly honest conversation, has been a long time coming and yet has never been done. I feel that my attempts to openly discuss shared emotional labor with them just ends up as a game of misery poker.
After this past weekend, I have given up. I tried to explain it to them. I am explaining it on my blog. I am still performing the labor, I still want the affirmation for doing it. I want someone to tell me that I made the right choice. I want my pat on the head. I want someone, anyone, to just thank me for the emotional labor that everyone seems to want, but no one seems to have asked for.
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