"Flipping the switches and bitches come witness /That you're in your feelings and I'll call you back..."

I am very fortunate. While I can and do suffer from chronic pain, it is not permanent (at least not yet). My immune system does eventually fight off whatever is causing me trouble. The pressure eases and the pain begins to fade. I know people who are not so fortunate and I am always impressed and humbled by their ability to get through each day.

Yesterday I raged at the people who don't understand what being in pain is like, how it impacts my ability to function, to offer support and most importantly, function. Today, I'd like to discuss the ways I have been supported and what I am doing to take care of myself. I am going to attempt to be positive.

I think the most powerful thing I have done is learn to give myself permission not to be 100%. I made soup from a mix last night. It required boiling water. It took little effort and provided a hearty meal for everyone in the household. My son complimented me on the garlic boboli I made and instead of saying something like "It was easy, it was just some butter and garlic powder." I said, "Thank you, I'm glad you liked it."

I decided that I am going to make a egg frittata tonight. If I stop off at Trader Joe's right after school it won't be too crowded. I can get lunch for tomorrow and pick up some spinach and cheese. It gives me time to rest before I have to cook. If I am really lucky, I can show my son how to make it (and have him do some of the work) and should end up with a healthier dinner tonight without too much effort.

I put a video on for my US History students and instead of planning a complex homework assignment from their text, I told them to take "book notes" on the two sections that we haven't covered yet. I found an assignment from Stanford that will occupy them tomorrow, which means that I won't have to do heavy lifting when it comes to my teaching.

These might all seem like simple things to do, but this is hard for me. I feel that a teacher should be actively involved with her students every minute they are in the classroom. I know that it is impossible, but in a room full of people it is difficult for me not to be "on". However if I am "on" all day, every day in my classroom, I have no energy for anything or anyone else. When I tell someone that I am still at work and already "out of spoons" or whatever metaphor I am using, I need to really make sure they understand that I am tapped out. I also have to tell myself it is okay to tell someone, "I am tired, I can't talk, phone, text, carrier pigeon with you anymore." Then I need to stop communicating with them until I am ready to engage.

It's that second part that is really difficult for me. I am trained to respond to queries. My upbringing taught me that my needs were always superseded by my mother's. She worked full time and was middle aged. I was young and just went to school, so no matter what I was doing, I was expected to drop everything and attend to her when she called. I carried that to my children, my husband, my friends. If someone contacts me, regardless of the medium, I feel obligated to respond. It is really hard for me to put down my phone when it makes noise at me.

I have to remember that it is okay to be unavailable. I have to remember that I don't have to apologize for being in pain, for being tired or being ill. It's not a mistake I made or a poor life choice. It's simply the way I am. The people that love me will understand and the rest can leave me the hell alone.