"When I breakdown just a little and lose my head..."

Relationship Processing

One of my favorite psychology jokes goes like this:

Therapist: During our last session, I suggested you write a letters to people that you feel have hurt you and then burn them.

Patient: I did that, it really helped me work through my anger. I just have one question: what do I do with the letters?

I have not contacted the 'relationship person" since Tuesday. That might not seem like a big deal, but we were in the habit of talking daily. Silence is difficult for me (as I have noted). I suppose I should be grateful, they stopped responding to anything I was saying. whenever I am tempted to contact them, I just remember that they made the choice to stop talking to me and try to respect it.

I nearly broke down and wrote to them at 3am this morning. I woke up with a lot of stress induced pain. I took some ibuprofen and while I was waiting for it to kick in, I thought of things I wanted to say. I thought about writing them down. Remembering the results of a friend who contacted their ex at 3am, I distracted myself until I went back to sleep. I didn't write to that person, but the ideas are still in my head. So I'll put my thoughts here, because they are festering. 

It really came down to a couple of questions.

1) Was what stuff this person felt they needed to accomplish last weekend so important that it was worth destroying any chance of rebuilding our relationship? Was there any one thing that was so essential for this week that they couldn't have extended some understanding and compassion and cut me some slack this past weekend?  

I know that question might seem a bit harsh. It probably is. However, one of the things I have been thinking about is how often that many women put aside their own priorities for the needs of their family, their loved ones and even their friends. I suppose it is something I have had to internalize as a teacher, there are a million things that you will want to accomplish and a good teacher realizes that on some days they are lucky if they manage to get one thing on that list completed. Maybe I am being inflexible or unsympathetic, but I can't think of anything that was on the person's list that was so important that it was worth ending a relationship over. Maybe it was that they feel that I didn't respect that they had a list at all?

2) I did not cease communications until it was clear that I would receive no response. Is that what they want, to stop all communication? Because that is what it seems like and given their silence, I feel I have no option but to respect their silence with the same.

I guess I have hit the part where I regret. I know that the relationship, at least its current iteration, is not viable. I usually feel that months of separation and limited to zero communication is best for everyone involved. I mostly feel that way with regards to this person. 

However having given it some thought, I realize that my usual protocol has flaws. This person and I have too many connections who can be patient in the short term, but within a few weeks I feel our  silence will be an issue. There is carpooling, going to the bathroom at their house and shared social venues. I am no better at negotiating a post relationship "friendship" than I am at figuring out how to deal with a breaking heart.

I was talking to my husband last night about this person. I said something sarcastic and my husband stopped me short. He told me that he has always been patient with this volatile relationship and polite to this person because he feels that this person, overall, has been a valued contributor to our lives. He reminded me that between my illness, some personal things and other outside factors, I am raging and angry. It might be an appropriate response to what occurred, but that I shouldn't be too angry at this person's silence because who would want to deal with me when I am in the midst of an almighty rage fit?

I think I am right to be angry. I see my husband's point, I am raging. My anger isn't just about this past weekend, but the build up from too many similar arguments and fights. My husband was clear that he didn't think I was wrong, he called this person's actions regrettable and lacking support (if you know my husband, you would understand that is about as much anger as he is likely to express). My husband noted that when I am raging, I am not known for my compassion, reason or patience.

Why can't it just be all the other person's fault and I can be the wounded party who gets all the sympathy? Why do I have to be patient?

Well, I guess I will just have to suck it up and stick it out. I may write and write and write, but every hour, every day, I don't push more words on them, I guess that's an accomplishment. Thank you for giving me an audience for my crazy ramblings.

I am ending today with a quote I found yesterday. When this person and I write to each other we often try to include pithy quotes or meaningful songs. So if I were writing them a letter, this would be included at the end.

"Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours."

But as this isn't a letter, but a blog post, I will include a song choice. The one silver lining of this whole ordeal has been that I have been going through the Alan Parson Project discography. How I missed them is a mystery. There is so much to explore! It's a little painful, not only because this person is the one who used two of their songs to tell me...something. But also, going through the music, I can see how my father would have really appreciated their music and I have to wonder if my father ever listened to the group.

 

Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jamesefau621143.html

Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jamesefau621143.html