"I won't cry, I won't cry, No I won't shed a tear..."

I am going to explain why I am trying to push for the positive. I regret that to explain does not make for a terribly positive post.

I have Hashimoto's Disease. I was diagnosed ten years ago. I live with it because I have no alternative. As I have gotten older, the symptoms and complications have gotten worse. Each time I get sick, it takes longer for me to recover my health. It means that something as simple as an earache becomes a lesson on what it means to be in chronic pain. It means hoping that I will get better before the next illness hits me. It means spending all of my sick leave every year.

I hate the spoon theory right now. I wish I had spoons. I would love some spoons, because I have shit that I am supposed to accomplish, regardless whether or not I have "the spoons."

I woke up in pain.
I went to work in pain.
I took medications as soon as I could, but:
I taught my classes while in pain until the medicine kicked in.

The pain medications aren't as effective as they used to be, but I can't take more, so I just go through my day in pain, with some blessed periods where the pain isn't too bad.

I don't eat much, because between the medications, my diabetes, and the fact that I am in pain means finding food and eating it is often more trouble than its worth. However, the pain medication upsets my stomach, so if I don't eat, I can add nausea to the mix.

I am not sure which is worse, the nausea or the pain. I suppose it doesn't matter, because either way, I am still in pain.

I feel like the people in my life don't understand that part. I am still in pain.

I feel like I am constantly apologizing. I apologize because I didn't make dinner. I apologize for not feeling social. I apologize because I need more than I give. I apologize for needing anything. I think that "I'm sorry." are the words I say the most every day.

I also hide. I hid that I was in excruciating pain this morning. I went to sleep tense and increased my pain. When I am asked how I was feeling, I hid behind a smile and said, "I'm doing better" so that they wouldn't feel guilty for going to work.

A friend quoted Ben Franklin today, "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." So I have tried. I have attempted to involve people in what is going on with me.

A friend has to be in Palo Alto tomorrow. They asked if they could stay in my guest room. They specifically said, "I know I am asking you for a favor, so I don't want to ask too much."

I believed this person was aware of what is going on. I let them know that I hadn't gotten home yet, but that I didn't mind having them over. However I also told them, "I'm in pain. I didn't sleep well...If you just want to avoid the traffic, you're welcome to come down whenever and sleep in the guest bed."

The person offered their help and support three times. I declined, replying "I just got home. There's no dinner prepped. I'm tired. I'm in pain. So if you want to sleep in the guest bed, let me know. I'm not up to being pleasant and understanding today, so I won't ask anything of you."

They replied, "I'm sorry. I don't have the spoons to come down tonight. Thank you for understanding."

Then they had the temerity to complain that they were going to have to drive in traffic. That is when I lost it. I stopped apologizing. I stopped hiding. I stopped giving a fucking damn. I had tried to teach my friend what was going on with me. I tried to involve them. I thought that they were willing to share this with me, that they wanted to understand. I thought they cared and meant their offer of help. I guess I can't blame them since I did what many people in chronic pain do, I apologized, I hid, and I pretended to be fine.

But I am not fine. Because. I. Am. Still. In. Pain.

I made dinner even though I was in pain. If I didn't cook, I wouldn't eat. I didn't get to skip doing my laundry tonight. I haven't done it in days and if I didn't do it tonight, I wouldn't have clean clothes tomorrow. It didn't matter if I ran out of spoons when my friend asked me if they could spend the night in the guest room. It didn't matter that after I was honest with them about my pain, they decided that they weren't up to taking me up on the favor that they had asked me for.

It didn't matter, BECAUSE I AM STILL IN PAIN.

I ate my dinner. I made cheddar potato soup because it doesn't hurt to eat it and it coats my stomach enough for another round of pain medication. As a diabetic, it's a crappy choice, but it was what was available at home. Soup was all I could handle because I am in pain.

I took my pain medications because they do provide some relief. It's enough relief that I can rotate the laundry, at least. That's about all, because I am still in pain.

I hesitated to write this entry because I don't want to people to think that they have to tiptoe around me. I am not an invalid. I just want people to have a clue how much I am sometimes hiding, how compelled I feel to apologize and how much support I could really use at times. I understand that there are people, many people, who are unable to offer that sort of support. I understand, I really do. I sympathize. It sucks to see someone in pain and feel like there is nothing you can do.

What I can't stand is when someone offers their help or takes a favor and then decides that they can't follow through. When someone tells me that they don't have the spoons, the energy, of whatever, but only after I tell them what is going on with me, honestly and openly.

Someone says that they will help and then they don't. Someone calls me on their way home and asks me if I need anything and then stays in their room all night because they are tired. Someone calls me and refuses to listen to my problems because they want to tell me all about theirs. In all of those cases and so many more, I am powerless to do anything but stew, because I am still in pain.

And that is what chronic pain means to me. It means putting up with everything with this constant reminder that it hurts. it doesn't matter if people remember today or not, because I am still in pain. It doesn't matter if dinner was made. It doesn't matter if anyone offered to help me with my laundry. It doesn't matter if a friend asked a favor and then decided that they didn't want to deal with me. It doesn't matter.

Because I am still in pain.

However what does matter is that now I am in more pain. I ate food that wasn't great for me, which will have consequences later. I did chores that I didn't have energy for, so I am more tired than I should be. However the worst of it is that I am in pain and feel all alone, so distracting myself becomes nearly impossible.

I also feel ashamed, because I have nothing to offer of value. I am just in pain and need. I apologize, I try to hide, but it isn't enough. Nothing is enough and so all I can do is try to keep everyone from knowing how bad it is. That I honestly don't know how I will survive another night hurting like this. I don't know how I can sleep without pills and know that with them the sleep isn't meaninful. I don't know how to control my blood sugar when I can't eat the way I should. I go to sleep knowing that tomorrow I will wake up in pain and I will have to go through it all over again.

I'm still in pain and it colors everything else, every interaction, every relationship, every word I speak and every thought I have.

I don't have any fucking spoons. I just have stuff I have to do, whether I want to or not. I make hard choices but it's not about whether or not I will do a thing. It's about how much damage I will do in the short term and hope that I will somehow make it through the end of the day so I can do it all over again.

And this is why if anyone tells me that they have run out of spoons I think I might have to take an actual spoon and shove it up their sinuses via their nose. Then maybe they'd have an idea of what my life has been like for the past few weeks.

Okay, time for some food so I can take the next round of pain killers before bedtime. Milk is too cold, so tea and cookies it is. Is it healthy? No, but my healthy alternatives hurt and are too difficult to come by.

Because, I am still in pain and I have get some sleep, at least.

Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.
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