"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me"

I realized something last night/this morning. I realized why dealing with DA has been such an issue for me.

While he has been fairly quiet and left me alone during the week, it seems that during many of the weekends of fair, he would take an action and violate a boundary because he assumed consent instead of asking me.

A good example would be the past two weekends and seeing DA and his parents. Yes, I told him that he was welcome to bring his parents over to see me at fair. However, I didn't mean that he could spring them on me without any warning. It was an invitation, not a commitment to be available at any point during the run.

DA told me that we could talk yesterday evening. When last evening came along, he changed his mind and said that he wasn't up for it. He expected to postpone our discussion without a fuss. He changed his mind, but I doubt it occurred to him that I might want to change mine the past two weekends.

I don't know if he does this to other people. I have the feeling that I am a somewhat unusual case. DA and I met four years ago today. Until a few months ago, I wouldn't have needed or expected any consideration from him in public spaces. We used to talk frequently enough that it was easy to make DA aware if I wasn't available.

I don't think DA understands that if he isn't communicating with me on a regular basis, every interaction has to involve consent on both sides. It doesn't have to be a big deal, but catching me the morning that his dad is visiting, when I am rushing around, is not how I feel that consent or respecting boundaries works


Regrettably, I don't know how to fix it nor do I think I should have to.

Today's song is pretty damn obvious, so I will go with it.

Today's Song - Respect by Aretha Franklin

"It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me..."

I am messed up. I am an emotional basket case and I fucking hate it.

The stuff with DA this past weekend started an emotional cascade failure yesterday and so I ended up cancelling my plans last night. Rope Guy and I haven’t seen each other for 10 days, but I simply was too emotionally screwed up to see him.

It was bad yesterday and it’s only slightly better today. I can’t eat. I can’t focus. I don’t want to go to bed and I don’t want to wake up. I am way behind at work and honestly, I don’t really care. Depression can kiss my ass.

I am tired. I know that makes me more emotional and impairs my judgement. I am also frustrated. I don’t want to feel anything about DA. I want my feelings to go away and never come back. I just wish I had never met him. My life would be so much easier.

Even if that isn’t true, this is the second time I have let my crap around fair and DA mess up my plans with Rope Guy. He seems to understand, but I don’t know how much more latitude he is going to give me. I know he was disappointed and hurt that I couldn’t keep our plans last night.

He was really decent about it. He let me vent and bit.Then he said something really intuitive and nice:   

“You told me that [DA] fed your heart in ways you didn’t even realize were possible.

That’s a rare experience. My hypothesis is that, while giving up the romantic relationship with him was messy, *this* is a much bigger loss for you, the deepest kind of hurt. I think perhaps you were hoping to avoid some of it by remaining friends. That could have left you unprepared for the magnitude of the loss.

What do you think?” (posted with permission)

I see his point. I don't want to acknowledge it, but I think I understand what Rope Guy is saying. I always knew that my romantic relationship with DA was short term. However, he told me that we would always be friends. Even when his ex or Primary would tell him that he should get rid of me, he always told me (and them) that no one would tell him who he could and could not have in his life. Both his ex and Primary have known him longer than he has known me. So if he wouldn't cut me out of his life for them, why would he do it for this woman he met in June?

I can't answer that, I only know that it feels like he has. I might be able to understand and chalk it up to "stupid boy" but I can't forgive him.

I am sick and tired my lingering feelings for DA messing with me. I am frustrated that the rules seem to change every week. After two weeks of him ignoring me, I am really angry that he decided to talk to me just to ask a favor. When I challenged him on it (and pushed really hard to even get a response), DA complained that I gave him too much to process. ARGH!!!!

I will be so relieved when I won't have to see him every week. I don't want to be friends. I just want to heal and not hurt. I want to get on with my life and quit feeling held back.

I don't know how I haven't used this song already. (Maybe I have) This is how I have been feeling for a while about DA. He's not even real anymore. He's just an emotional crack boy and I really, really wish I had never started the habit. 

Today's Song: Addicted by Kelly Clarkson

"All Shades, all hues, all blues..."

It has been an eventful few days and since a lot of it has to do with fair, I am not supposed to say anything. Let's just say that I am sick and tired of people telling me that my feelings aren't relevant because someone else regrets that their actions have ongoing consequences. I want to be respectful of people's needs. Recently, it has felt like I am expected to be the one to give way because I am functional. Can someone explain to me what advantage there is in being functional if all that happens is that I am expected to take care of everyone else, but can't get my own needs met?

Yes, I am whinging. I'll get over it.

I have been very concerned about telling Keto and Rope Guy too much about my feelings regarding DA. I feel like I am damaged goods. On the other hand, I don't want to lie to them either.

As I mentioned here before, DA and I had come to a somewhat uncomfortable, but workable dètente. DA and his father stopped by my area of fair the weekend before this most recent one. I was polite to them both. When I ran into his father later, I fielded some minor grilling without letting Dad know how I felt about what DA was doing. While I don't usually condone lying to parents, I understood from the beginning that DA was not going to explain to his family about his non-monogamous choices. I supported his reasoning than and still do. I specifically told him that he could bring his parents by when they came to visit this season and that I would not say anything untoward. I like his parents and I am gratified that they wanted to see me during their visit.

DA's mother came out this past weekend. DA sent me a text on Saturday morning, but well after the opening of fair. I saw his mother and her friend long before I saw his text. I was polite and pleasant, although it felt a bit awkward. (His mother isn't stupid and I think she knows that something is amiss, since he didn't accompany her to see me or his other ex who is at fair.) I ran into DA later and I mentioned that I had seen her. He asked me if I had seen his text and explained that his mother and he hoped that I would give his mother's friend the "tart treatment".

There is so much to unpack there, but I don't want this entry to be all about DA, so I will try to leave it at this.

1. His roommate is a tart (and my fucking director), he could have asked her. 
2. It was the first time he had contacted me in weeks and it was to ask me a favor.
3. He was clueless as to why asking me to do him a favor would be an issue.

I snapped. I responded to his text and said, "We aren’t friends, by your demand. I’m sorry that is inconvenient for you and your mother. I did not tell you that you can’t be in contact with your exes.

I was happy to see your mother, but this is the request you make of a friend. If your mother wants it, you are welcome to give her my number. 

I understand why you have to lie to your parents. However if [your girlfriend] doesn’t want you to speak to me, then don't. Further, don’t put yourself in the position to lie to your girlfriend. You think that you would have learned that fucking lesson by now.

Leave me alone, DA! You made this stupid fucking choice. We aren’t friends now. We won’t get to be friends just because [your girlfriend] is no longer [abroad]. By your choice, we will never be friends. I know that, even if you are too stupid to realize it."

Today, Rope Guy started asking some pointed questions about my history with DA and my current feelings. He made some difficult (but true) observations.

(posted without his permission) "That’s the core of the hurt, isn’t it? DA chose to be with someone who expects to dictate who he can talk to. He’d prefer to deal with it by dishonesty rather than standing up and saying 'Rachel is too important to me for me to agree to that.' So he’s not even understanding how he rejected you...he doesn’t see that he has."

There is a reason I am taken with the man. He put my feelings into better words than I could.

However, he followed that up with" "And I’m going to insert my own needs in here for a moment. The emotional power [DA] has over you makes me frightened that I will be competing with him for your attention when he is back in your life."

And he is right, because I don't want to think what would happen if DA were to come back into my life. However, it made me realize that I don't want DA. As good as this season of fair has been, I will be so glad when I don't have to see DA every week. These past few months have been a constant reminder of how unhealthy my relationship with DA has been and how it won't get better.

All I could do is assure Rope Guy that even if DA were to dump his girlfriend right now and beg me to take him back, I know I would say no. I have worked too damn hard to get to where I am now to consider anything else. I also said that I would understand if he'd prefer to put things on hold with me.

I really appreciated his response (again reprinted without permission): "I don’t think you’re a bad choice for me. :-) I do acknowledge that I see risks to our relationship but I think that’s manageable. And the idea of going away and coming back when you are better is making me very sad, so that’s not my preferred option. "

Rope Guy and I have a lot more to discuss, although I am not sure how to best deal with it all.

I don't have a great song for today. Rope Guy is a jazz bass player, so I am going to use a jazz piece that he told me has his favorite bass part.

Today's Song - All Blues by Miles Davis

"An introverted spectacle..."

I did this pull a while ago and it's been sitting on my phone. I am not sure what to make of it.

	The Celtic Cross spread is one of the most popular Tarot spreads, providing varied insight into many aspects of a complex situation and your role in it. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature.
	The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Eight of Swords (Interference), when reversed: Learning a valuable lesson from the unexpected consequences of prior decisions. Narrowly escaping criticism, censure, and the imposition of external restrictions. Focusing on the crux of a problem and freeing oneself from a difficult situation. Coming to grips with a past failure or humiliation and moving on.
	The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. Two of Wands (Dominion): Established power and influence over others. Setting goals and a vision for the future. Coming to grips with the impact of past decisions, considering the current state of affairs, and developing a plan of action. Responsible leadership.
	The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. Nine of Swords (Cruelty): Debilitating mental anguish or ill health. Being dragged down by the dishonor of others. Participation in a shameful or regrettable act. Inescapable guilt, mistrust, and doubt. May indicate a death or other catastrophic loss.
	The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based. King of Cups, when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as air, such as rain clouds in a gray sky: A pillar of maturity and patience, hiding a deep insecurity and an indecisive nature. One who secretly lusts for power, but lacks the courage, intellect, or work ethic necessary to take it. A charming seducer who appears innocent and understanding, but is in fact selfish and unfaithful.
	The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. Three of Swords (Sorrow): Unsettling news leading to heartbreak or loneliness. Tactless or hurtful words. Acting without consideration for the emotions of others. Betrayal of trust or confidence. The revelation of a painful truth.
	The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. Ten of Swords (Ruin), when reversed: The darkness before the dawn. An end to suffering, leading to spiritual transformation. A crushing and seemingly total defeat that hides within it the seeds of final victory. Ultimate knowledge gained through ultimate sacrifice.
	The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. Two of Swords (Peace), when reversed: Indecision due to contradictory characteristics brought together. Tension in the aftermath of a quarrel that has been resolved. Scheming, abuse of trust, and agreements made in bad faith. Allowing the mind to block off the emotions. Self deception as a means of justifying cruel acts.
	The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with. The Hanged Man, when reversed: Life in suspension. Selfish, materialistic, and untrusting attitudes. Unwillingness to make necessary sacrifices. Going along with the crowd, and refusing to hear the inner voice. Concessions and appeasements that backfire.
	The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. Ten of Wands (Oppression): Success and gain, leading you to take on a burden greater than you can carry. Noble leadership transformed, through lack of restraint, into tyranny. The crushing weight of ultimate responsibility. Having spent their fuel, the engines of creation grind to a halt.
	The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. Knight of Wands: The essence of fire, such a great conflagration. One filled with vitality and passion for life. A sexy and exciting person, daring in their actions, cocky in their attitude, and utterly without fear. Absolute sincerity, coupled with violent emotions that swing wildly from one extreme to another. Boundless creativity and lust for a change of both pace and place. The rapid approach, or more likely departure, of something that sets your world ablaze. Often suggests travel or escape.

Today's Song is by one of my favorite artists and the reason should be obvious.

Today's Song: Portrait of the Knight of Wands by Suzanne Vega

"When you're sure you've had enough/ Of this life, well, hang on..."

It is harder to discuss my relationship with Keto than with Rope Guy. Part of it is privacy issues. In order to explain my relationship with Keto, I have to give a lot more background and context than I am really comfortable sharing.

I have the feeling that whatever the relationship turns out to be, it will take time and my best bet is to not have too many expectations.

I am not sure how much I will share beyond this: we went to the kink convention together. It went well. It was easy to share space with him.

I learned something at the convention, which I did not expect. I knew that my relationship with DA has been codependent, probably from when it started. I don’t know if I quite understood what codependency was taking from me until I spent the weekend with Keto and Rope Guy.

Keto has a network of friends. I have met a number of them and they are lovely people. However, they are his friends. They are evaluating me and deciding if I am going to be a good match for Keto. They are friendly and polite. I feel comfortable with them, I can’t remember the last time I dated someone who had an established friend group that I had to get to know and find my place in it.

I knew a number of people at the convention, Keto did too. If we went off to do our own thing, I didn’t find him alone and miserable later. I found him talking with people. I don’t think I had ever realized how much of my energy was going into keeping my companion feeling valued while I was being sparkly and shiny. I felt guilty for not giving them all of my attention.

I have apologized to Keto, more than once, for ignoring him. He has assured me that he does not feel ignored. He likes the fact that I am someone who attracts people and he appreciates whatever that reflects on him, he does not seem to be jealous of it.

I haven’t asked Rope Guy or Keto to be my “friend” on facebook. I figured out why. A former relationship would complain that they would post this amazing picture and get a few likes and a comment or two. I would sneeze and it would get 15 comments involving the history of sneezes and any number of thumbs up. That person decided to stop posting on facebook because they felt it reflected poorly on them. I tried to explain that I had a much broader group of friends, but they just decided to stop posting altogether. (We aren’t friends on facebook any longer, so that may have changed.)

I doubt Rope Guy or Keto would feel similarly, but making sure that the other person felt valued and accepted had been my job for so much of the past few years, I am hesitant to put myself into that position again even on social media.

One of the classes I attended at the convention was about processing my experience as a bottom with my play partner. I was shocked. It never occurred to me that was a thing I could ask for. I don’t mean to suggest that no one I have ever played with would not allow me to process. The lovely instructor just gave it to me in language and words I could utilize to ask for processing and permission to ask for it. (She was damn good.)

I allowed codependency to take expressing myself away from me. I feel like I wait for my partner to tell me it is all right if I get emotional. If they would allow it, then I would process. If they didn’t, I would try to deal with it on my own. This resulted in a lot of very negative cycles, because I wouldn’t talk about things until they were huge emotional maelstroms and came out in inappropriate ways.

I also placed a lot of my self worth in how the other person was doing emotionally and physically. If they weren’t doing well, it was my responsibility to fix it.

I have often joked that my addiction is people. I think that I have been hoisted on that petard. There is no doubt in my mind that I am doing much better now than I was in August. I am healthier and happier than I have been in a long while. This season of the fair, despite all the fuss and nonsense has been the best one in years.

Looking at my memories from this time last year, I was already on this path. I was understanding why boundaries were necessary. I just hadn’t learned how to implement them fully.

One of the reasons I am poly is that I know that no one person should take me on full time. I am better when I can spread my crazy around as are the people who are within my sphere. However, it isn’t just people I am dating, but friends and even acquaintances that are important. There is always someone else I can share stuff with.

More importantly, I know that I am not the only person my friends and partners can share with. I have learned how to determine when I cannot help someone and I feel like it is acceptable to walk away or tell someone no.

I realized that even if DA dumps the current girlfriend, it won’t matter for me. She is a symptom of a much larger problem. The entire time I have known DA, he has had a small number of people in his life to rely on for support. My experience is that he puts most of his needs in the hands of one or two people until he burns them out and he is forced to find someone fresh. To give him credit, he will put up with nearly anything while that person is able to actively support him. He isn’t understanding when the person starts demanding that their needs be met. I have seen him completely abandon the person and leave others to clean up his mess. I was not the first time, he has done it more than once and I watched and didn't realize what he was doing.

I realize that what the two of us have now, an uncomfortable detente in which we barely communicate, is probably as good as it will ever get. I can't support him the way he seems to expect, so I am no longer useful. I won't say never, but until I feel that like I was not his disposable handkerchief, I doubt I will have much positive feeling for him. The best I feel is pity. 

Keto is by no means perfect and some of his issues are challenges I am not sure I am up to. However, I have been assured by Keto and his friends that I am not entering into this alone and that I will have lots of help and support along the way. It is similar with Rope Guy, his wife and his friends are supportive and understanding of me, so I am comfortable giving that in return.

I chose today's song because it reminds me that everyone hurts and everyone needs support. Asking isn't the problem. It's asking one person and punishing them when they can't give what I think I need that ends relationships. 

Today's Song - Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

"This is the way it should be, for lovers..."

So much has happened in the past few weeks that I don’t think I can journal chronologically. So, thematically it is.

Keto is still around and that is proceeding apace. I will journal about him later. Today is about Rope Guy.

Rope Guy and I had our first overnight and I managed to fuck up the follow up. There were reasons and valid excuses, but I failed my Poly Wisdom check.

RG is a self-described New York Jew who is very smart. He is a programmer, so yes I have a type. He is married and has a family. I really like his wife. I want to introduce my husband to them both. Not to make up a polycule, but because they are both neat people.

Rope Guy approached me on Fetlife. Unlike many of the guys there, he was thoughtful and considerate. We exchanged notes for a while, but then “stuff happened” for both of us and we stopped communicating.

We met up at a local munch a few months ag and started chatting again. There was a shibari rope class that he wanted to take, but he needed a rope bunny. It sounded like fun, so I agreed to give it a try.  I knew that I was getting involved with Keto, so I wasn’t intending to start up another relationship. I was just going to be a rope bunny. Further, He and his wife are sorting out their feelings about being poly and either of them having a secondary. There are so many reasons that I should be running away, screaming.

You know what they say about intentions?

Keto and I went to a kink convention together. (This is the other entry I am trying to write out) Rope Guy was also there, although he was attending alone. He and I agreed to take some rope classes together and maybe do a rope scene or two.

I very carefully explained to RG (and Keto) my anxiety about touch. I am afraid, all the time. I am afraid that I will touch the wrong way, ask for the wrong thing. Recent previous partners have intensified this issue by making touch something to be withheld, so I have been sitting in a cocoon and afraid to come out. By the time RG and I did our first rope session, I was absolutely touch starved. (It’s not that my husband and I don’t touch. It’s just not our primary communication style. We’re working on it.)

Rope Guy has made a point of demonstrating and initiating affectionate touch, playful touch, sensual touch, and more recently some kink/sexy touch. He seems to take great joy in touching me and says that he really enjoys my reactions. RG and Keto both have observed that I am like a cat and they enjoy making me purr. 

RG and I met up at the kink convention and we agreed to some private time to practice the new ties we learned and play a bit. In the course of our play, I had a gigglegasm.

Allow me to explain. A gigglegasm is when I orgasm until I collapse into helpless giggles and laughter. It is the most amazing feeling. I don’t know exactly how to achieve them, but it usually happens when I am incredibly stressed, frustrated and haven’t had any release in a while. I also have to be incredibly comfortable with the person. I don’t think I have had one in a couple of years.

So my body demonstrated that I am really comfortable around Rope Guy. He speaks fluent Rachel. (He says it’s because I speak fluent Rope Guy.) It’s started out as being excellent rope partners, but it’s been slowly turning into enjoyable company and play. What I find funny is that as much fun as we have playing together, we also just enjoy spending time together and talking.

We are both fairly high strung and anxious people who require a lot of emotional processing. We are married to very quiet, very introverted partners. I believe that RG and I would be horrible primaries, we’d feed on each other’s worst fears. However, as secondaries, we can get our serotonin and dopamine jollies with each other and then return rejuvenated to our partners.

Provided I remember that I am dealing with someone who is as anxious as I am and needs me to check in and give support. I also have to remember that his wife and he haven’t had an active secondary in their marriage.

You know what they say about intentions?

On Sunday evening of the kink convention, Keto and I were playing. I had tentative plans to also play with Rope Guy, but I politely declined them. I felt that Keto needed some additional after care and consideration. RG agreed with me and admitted that he was feeling overbooked and tired. We agreed to get together later in the week.

The next morning I sent Keto off to work and I got ready for the rest of my day. As I was packing up, I received an e-mail from RG. He woke up feeling abandoned and alone because he realized that he wanted someone to think of his needs and aftercare the way I thought of Keto’s.

He didn’t begrudge Keto or me the time we had spent together the night before. He agreed and supported me taking care of the person I was at the convention with. However, he realized that he had feelings for me and was jealous that I was not available. Yes, he had played with other people, but I was the only person that he felt connected to.

According to him, he woke up at 4am and wrote me this very long e-mail, the sort you never send to the person it’s addressed to (oh, that’s what I have been doing wrong!) His wife texted him and he told her what was going on. She asked him to send her the e-mail. She read it and told him to rewrite it and send it to me. That I needed to know. I needed to know that he had developed feelings for me.

He sent me a very edited version of his e-mail. He articulated what he was feeling and what he needed. It was clear, concise, and I knew what he wanted me to do, Imagine that, clear communication? (*snark*)

I figured he had already left for work and it was time to leave. I decided I would text him a quick note and connect with him later. I I took my stuff down to my car and was about to drive out of the garage when I saw Rope Guy. I immediately pulled my car over and ran over to him. I gave him a big hug and reassured him of some of the concerns in his e-mail. He got his connection and told me later how much he appreciated that I had taken immediate action.  

I saw him again a few days later and we processed what we were thinking and feeling. (Imagine that, someone who cares what I am feeling and actively listens? *snark*).

Rope Guy’s wife pointed out to him that I was turning into a girlfriend. She did not seem to mind. She noted that he wanted to talk to me between Friday and Tuesday, even though we had a planned rope date for Tuesday. We were exchanging daily e-mails and texts.

We agreed to have an actual date and spend the night together. We went to a flogging workshop after fair last week. The workshop was really interesting and the dungeon was not at all crowded, so we were able to have a wonderfully quiet and mostly private play session.

We spent a fairly good night together. RG was incredibly attentive and sweet. I had left fair that day with the fuss about boundaries unresolved. I was raw and hurting due to this ongoing fuss. RG did a great job of distracting me from the whole thing.

We parted Saturday morning in good spirits. I went to fair, got hit with the drama and completely forgot about RG. It is understandable, it was a very emotionally challenging weekend. However, it was the first night he had spent with someone who was not his wife. I should have checked in on him.

I finally dropped him a note on Tuesday. I got a reply and in it he described how much he felt like I didn't like him or maybe had changed my mind. Again, it was clear, concise and his needs were articulated. I called him up, we talked through it and he said that between figuring out what he had been missing and afraid to ask for, he felt better. The fact that as soon as I found out, I put everything aside and asked him how I could support him really helped. RG doesn't know this, but I put aside the conversation I was having with DA, which tells me how important I think Rope Guy is.

I saw RG last night and he told me that his wife was really appreciative that I cleaned up my own damn mess and took ownership for it.

Part of the reason I made the choice I did about putting any further energy into other relationships has been greatly influenced by what’s happening with RG. I didn’t expect a relationship with him, certainly not an emotional one, but that is where I find myself. I know where my priority lies and while the mistake I made about our first night together might be understandable, it’s not a mistake I care to repeat.

I am really worried about being in two relationships (outside of my marriage) when my feelings regarding DA are so fraught. I have tried to be very communicative with RG and Keto about where I am emotionally, but I don’t think that either of them are in a position to truly understand my feelings.

I also know myself, neither of them are relationships that I can put off until some magical time when I feel “whole”. Keto and RG (who get along and work together very well) don’t mind sharing me with each other or my husband. They are both looking forward to when I am done with this fair season and am not burning the candle at both ends.

I am still worried about entering into relationships when my emotions are so volatile. Due to fair and my job, neither Keto or RG have had to deal with an emotional Rachel. I am worried that when I am not constantly running, I will fall apart on them and they won’t like me anymore.

However, I think that it says something that while RG and I were talking, we discussed the movie “Same Time, Next Year”. It reminded me that that it has been a long time since I emotionally related to someone who was older than me. It was novel.

While not about ethical non-monogamy, the movie does explore how much an intimate relationship outside of marriage can have a positive influence. It was a delight to discuss the movie in a poly context with someone who was familiar with it.

So today's song is from another romantic movie because I don't feel like the one from the movie is quite appropriate.  So I am going to take this one from The Lake House.

"You never want me for myself,"

Oh my heavens, I have’t been able to update in so long. I have been one busy girl and not feeling like writing. There are two posts pending. Neither of them will be about the situation at fair. If you are curious PM me or send me an e-mail (mimsyb@gmail.com) and I will update you directly. I received the comment that I was not to blog about the situation further, so I will keep to that agreement.

I found both of these images over the weekend. This wasn't anything I didn't know. But this weekend put the ideas into stark relief.

I told DA that while I didn't want his friendship or hugs or any of that stuff yet (we aren't ready), I did need some positive interaction and clear path forward. If he couldn't give me that, then regardless of what I feel, my brain is locking it away.

He gave me a neutral interaction. He approached me on Sunday morning. I introduced him to a customer. He responded politely and gave us both his calling card.

That was all. An entire weekend including a Saturday where I was coming in incredibly stressed and anxious because of fair drama (unrelated to DA) and that was his idea of a "positive interaction."

DA did invite me to see him do a reading as his character. I suppose that is something, but it's not like I can sit in an audience unnoticed (like he would be able to do any time that I am on stage). His reading is held in a small venue and I would have to face with the director who has been dealing with all my recent fuss. It was a nice invitation, but insensitive to a situation that DA is very aware of. However, I am sure that DA thinks that he gave me two positive interactions and would not understand if I tried to explain it to him. I am not going to waste my time or my energy.


I have been trying to hold the door open, because while the relationship has been pretty bad for a very long time, there were things I wanted. One of them was making the Christmas fair a safe space for both of us. Instead I been keep myself running fast and hope that I don't see him much.

My therapist has spoken about how each person we love gets a room in our hearts. We can visit it when we need to, but said rooms sometimes need to be locked up tight until we are ready.

I am locking the door. I won't initiate contact with DA. I won't ask anything of him. I won't offer anything. If I see him, I will be polite, but I won't engage.

I imagine that you are sick and tired of my DA entries. I know I am tired of writing them. "JT" is right. No matter what, this is just going to hurt and I will just have to do my best to deal with it until. I have two mantras (that I included in this post) to repeat until it sinks into my skull.

Today's song is nearly written for my situation and I have always loved the harmonies and the style.

"Or maybe I like the stress..."

It's been a busy number of days and I am still reeling with all the emotional processing I have to do. I had an absolutely fantastic weekend and I am so glad that I wasn't at fair. It was so wonderful not to have to deal with the drama.

While it's not all DA and I can't blame him for my frustrations, I believe that there is only so much I can take and he has pushed me well past my limit.

I saw my therapist and she challenged me to think very carefully about whether or not I really need to be at fair this year. Will I really enjoy being there if I feel like I have to be on constant guard? After this past weekend, where I felt safe and supported, I absolutely see her point. It isn't that I feel that anyone will attack me physically. I learned a lot about energy exchanges this past weekend and I feel like there is a lot of negative energy headed my way and I am not sure that is healthy for me to deal with so much negative in my current state.

However I learned about something else this past weekend. There are two kinds of fun. There is the fun that happens when one participates in an enjoyable activity, (e.g. Type 1 Fun). The second type is fun once it's done (e. g. Type 2 Fun). I believe doing the fair with all the crap going on would be Type 2 fun at best.

I believe that Saturday especially, but first the weekend in general, is going to involve a lot of social anxiety on my part. A lot of the anxiety is based around what could happen. Ideally everyone will act like adults and things will be fine. My two biggest sources of anxiety are people who have not demonstrated the ability to behave appropriately in public. It isn't that I am worried about being attacked, that would almost be a relief. My character, Faith, could take just about anyone on in a verbal conflict and at least come to a draw, if not win outright. A physical attack from either sources of my anxiety is even less likely to happen. While I am not one to encourage physical conflict, at least something would be resolved.

However the problem is that there is no resolution. There is just ignoring the behavior and hoping that people won't get caught in the cross fire. Such a situation is hugely anxiety inducing and creates s huge stress factor for me. I could see the people that concern me and have nothing happen. However at any point, something could happen. If not this coming weekend, then the next weekend or the weekend after.

I tried. I really did. I tried to come to some sort of arrangement with DA. My overtures were misinterpreted as an interest to immediately resume a friendship after what has become a very acrimonious break up.  All I wanted was an agreement that we would give each other space. DA didn't respect our agreement from the first day of rehearsals. I foolishly tried to ask what was wrong and what was causing his behavior. In response I received an incredibly condescending e-mail explaining  why we couldn't be friends right now and that he needed space and time to heal.

In response, I reminded DA that he chose to read this blog (before it was moved, I doubt he can read it now). I reminded him that he chose to participate in the fair. If he wanted to get space from me so he could heal could then he could have left me the fuck alone and involved himself in other activities. I am not the one stalking him online nor am I currently engaging in the hobbies he introduced me to. I have to wonder how I ever cared for someone who turned out to be such a fucking hypocrite.

I figure that he will ignore me. However, DA has demonstrated in the past that agreements and rules don't matter when they are inconvenient. I hope that he will leave me be, I feel that seeing DA is going to require a certain amount of energy. I will be waiting to see if he will leave me alone or if he manages to fob off more of his drama on me.  At no point will I believe that I won't have to deal with his crap until the run of fair is over and I know I won't have to see him every weekend.

Then there is the other person who is at fair. He made my life miserable when we were in the same cast. He said nasty things the year after he got himself kicked off of our cast (and I was in no way involved in the incident that resulted in his expulsion). He pushed boundaries last year. It was difficult then and I am not looking forward to another year of it.  One of the directors has gone out of their way to ease my anxiety. They can't control the person in question, but they have given me useful information so that I can feel prepared. I still need to have energy

I am going to try and go to the fair this weekend. I am hoping that things will go well. I am hoping that I can tell my therapist at my next appointment that fair is worth the effort. But I can't remember the last time that I had to deal with this kind of drama. I know I am a drama queen, but if I could figure out how to make this go away and have a quiet fair, I would.

Today's song was hard to find until I found it; then it was super obvious. 

"Yeah, you buckle with the weight of the words..."

I have to wonder how DA experienced the weekend. He told me last Tuesday that he would endeavor to give me space at rehearsals. He did not do so when I was polite to him, he just misinterpreted my kindness as continued interest in a friendship. He did not give me space after I blocked him on Facebook and pulled this blog to where he can't see it. Taking those actions didn't give him the clue either.  On Saturday, he was right outside the classroom where I was scheduled to give a workshop. I could not change rooms. He was the one who needed to be elsewhere. I had to walk right past him.

I finally gave in and bitched about his behavior on Facebook on Saturday night. I did not call him out by name, but people knew who I was talking about. I am not sure how many people spoke to him yesterday (if anyone did). Regardless, he stayed well away from me yesterday and that's all I have wanted. I just wish it hadn't taken so many spoons to accomplish.

I am seeing my therapist tonight. I had a panic attack on Saturday morning and while I managed to teach all of my workshops, meeting my obligations was exhausting. I am not sure how I am going to make it through this week.

I believe doing fair can be a good thing, but only if I can find a cognitive behavioral therapy to shore myself up. I am taking this coming weekend off from all things fair and spending time with a different social group in a different venue. I am hoping that it will be restorative. I am also hoping that the actual fair site will mean I am less likely to have to put energy into ignoring DA.

Here's the thing, I don't want things to be acrimonious. I said, and I meant, that we could coexist at fair. But that only works if he is being honest with himself. I don't know what his damage is, but one friend observed that his behavior and his words were not in sync. DA told me that he doesn't feel comfortable spending time with me. However, he has spent the past two weekends finding ways to interact with me and be near me (until yesterday).

I would like to be clear, he ended our relationship to pursue someone else. I have respected his choice and not done any "please take me back" shit. I stopped communicating with him for weeks. I only contacted him to allow us to negotiate boundaries for fair. He turned that discussion into something more than it had to be. I am not saying he is completely to blame, I fell into my bad habits too. But, I was honest in my intent.  I just wanted peaceful coexistence.

He is the one who confided in me and then got reamed by his current girlfriend for still having feelings for me. I am not responsible for his fucked up choices and I am not going to let him off the hook for the consequences of his actions. Sunday was case in point. If he won't police himself, I will make sure he is policed.

Bah, I don't even know how to process anymore. I know he is miserable and that this is not what he wants. I believe that this is what his current girlfriend has told him he must do. Why he doesn't see the big red flag isn't my problem and I am tired of having to deal with it. 

I am going to try and spend the next two weeks not thinking about him or this situation. I will discuss how to go into fair a week from Saturday, with my sanity intact, in therapy and then I will focus on my life, my job, and my upcoming weekend of debauchery. It's not quite three weeks, but hopefully I'll be in the habit of not thinking about DA by the time I have to see him again.

I am compiling a list of all the songs I have used. It's still not done. So while I think this might be a repeat, I also think it's apropos.
 

Today's Song: Stop Dragging my Heart Around - Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty

"Why don't you be a man about it and set me free?"

"Self-improvement is the name of the game, and your primary objective is to strengthen yourself, not to destroy an opponent."
 - Maxwell Maltz


Last weekend did not go well. According to DA, it was my fault. He sent an oh-so carefully worded e-mail about how he just isn't ready to be friends and that he will try to give me the space I need. This was after not giving me space last weekend.


I have drafted a number of replies, but I figure there is no point wasting my time by sending him anything. I am sharing it here, just to purge it from my system and explain my actions of the past few days. 


Here is the current draft of the e-mail that I have written, but probably shouldn't send. (Oh, but I want to.)


DA,
I was trying to make the best of a bad situation. I cannot prevent you from attending fair. I cannot avoid running into you with the current backstage configuration. My director lives with you, so I can’t even have a clean break. I am stuck coping with you. The only reason I “reached out” at all is because you insisted on doing fair a few months after you ended our relationship by lying, cheating, and verbally abusing me. You hurt me and by doing fair, you will compound that pain every fucking weekend.


We had established boundaries and you violated them on the very first day. I had to step away from my group and my director because you decided that moving during a meeting was too challenging. I left the meeting before it ended because of your refusal to honor the boundary you agreed to. You couldn’t even give me space because of your social anxiety. However, I am expected to cope with mine?

You violated consent again with your so-called apology the next day. An apology that you forced on me when I was supposed to appear in front of 35 people in a few minutes. I didn’t make a public scene. I approached you outside of work hours asked what was bothering you.


I have not violated your space. I do not go to your social venues. My partners do not stalk you online. I’ve blocked you on Facebook. I’ve pulled my blog so you do not have to “deal with my emotions”. I have gained nothing from engagement with you, but you benefited from my understanding on more than one occasion.  


Given how you fell apart on the phone and the subsequent email you sent me, I believe that something is very wrong. Until you take ownership for your actions, your words, your mistakes and the travesty that is your relationship with your girlfriend, you are a more destructive presence at fair for me than Kevin ever was.

He has people, including your ex, who are willing to put their reputations on the line so he can be a part of the fair. Who will speak on your behalf? Where are your friends? Doesn’t that tell you anything about who is the problem?


There is no 'someday when the hurt will ease’ if you keep hurting me instead of letting me heal. Your email was cruel and has only exacerbated a bad situation. You are an imposition, DA. That is all you will ever be as long as you keep careening like a drunken driver who refuses to take any responsibility for the suffering he causes. 


You have already lost your two best friends. and destroyed their trust in the process. What more do you have to lose? I think you should consider that for a moment. You ex has friends who supported her despite her relationship with you. Kevin has friends despite all the things he has done. I have friends who stuck with me through three years of you screwing me over. Who do you have? 


What social connections do you really think you can make at fair if the three of us have no use for you and nothing good to say? I was willing to defend you and understand what you were going through until you threw that in my face. You mistook my kindness as some desperate ploy to get you back in my life. Trust me, I want nothing more than for you to just go away and never come back.


I wish I could offer you something more than vitriol, but you have pushed me past my breaking point. You are not welcome, DA. Stay away. If you try to engage with me again, I will ask your directors to intercede and pass a harassment complaint up the tree to the director of the fair.
 
The song for today seems pretty obvious to me.



Today's Song: You Keep Me Hangin' On - Kim Wilde (cover)



"I wonder if you think about me..."

Disclaimer: This isn't about a current situation. The anniversary of the conversation that this dialogue is based upon occurred 15 years ago, today. It was one of the first times I learned that love isn't always enough to maintain a relationship. I also learned that sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go, even though you don't want to. 

INTERIOR OF A CAR, SEATS ARE GRAY CLOTH. THE CAR IS TRAVELING ALONG A HIGHWAY AT MIDDAY. JT IS A MAN IN HIS LATE 20s. HE IS DRESSED IN A TURQUOISE V-NECK T-SHIRT AND JEANS. HE IS DRIVING. RACHEL, A WOMAN IN HER EARLY 30s,  IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. SHE IS IN A DARK PURPLE SWEATER AND BLACK JEANS. JT AND RACHEL ARE FACING THE AUDIENCE. THE ROAD IS SHOWN THROUGH THE REAR VIEW WINDOW.

RACHEL 

Thank you for picking me up. 

JT

Not a problem, you wanted to see me?

RACHEL

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you. 

JT

Okay, what's up?

RACHEL

Well....

JT

(scowls)

Rachel...

RACHEL

Why don't you want to see me anymore?

JT

Oh, sweetie. You really don't understand, do you?

RACHEL

(bitterly)

Obviously not

JT

Rachel, I love you. I have loved you for a long time. I will probably never stop loving you. I won't see you because I love you. You want to focus on your relationship with your husband. I am giving you the space to do that. 

RACHEL

(frustrated)

My husband doesn't mind our relationship.

JT

(even more frustrated)

Rachel....Dear God woman, how can you be so dense? You cannot focus on your marriage while maintaining a relationship with me. Actually strike that, you can. I cannot. I will not support your marriage. I have been the glue keeping you two together for months. It's a bad relationship. I can't make you leave it, but I don't have to support it. 

RACHEL

Are you asking me to choose between my husband and you?

JT

(sighs)

No, Rachel. You should choose your husband. That's my point. If you want to stay in your marriage, you have to actually focus on it. 

RACHEL

But you say you love me?

JT

(pained and nearly crying)

Yes, and that's why I am going to distance myself. I don't want to. I am going to miss the hell out of you. You have been a very important part of my life for a long time. 

You know how I feel about your marriage and your husband, I can't watch you get hurt anymore. If you want to leave him, I will support you any way I can. However, unless you do, I can't be a part of your life. I can't watch you deliberately hurt yourself. I can't support you in what I feel is a bad relationship.

RACHEL

(tears slipping down her cheeks)

I understand, but I have to try and fix my marriage. 

JT

I know, Rachel. It's part of why I love you. You made vows that you believe in and you want to keep them. If I didn't think that your marriage was a toxic waste dump, I would offer you anything to help you both. But I am scared for you. I see your husband starting to show troubling tendencies. 

RACHEL 

He would never hit me!

JT

He doesn't have to. The words are bad enough. He is isolating you and keeping you from the things you love. He is manipulating you, Rachel. 

You have always been a bright spark and he is trying to dim you. I can't stand to watch it anymore. I am sorry, but until you leave him, I can't spend time with you. Please don't ask me to. 

RACHEL

(nods)

JT PULLS THE CAR OVER AND DROPS RACHEL OFF IN FRONT OF AN OFFICE BUILDING. RACHEL EXITS THE CAR AND WATCHES JT'S CAR PULL AWAY. THE CAMERA FADES AS WE SEE RACHEL CRYING. THE CAMERA CHANGES TO JT AND THE AUDIENCE SEES TEARS SLIDING DOWN HIS FACE AS HE DRIVES AWAY. 

JT is an amalgam of a number of people. So this scene never actually happened as written. However, in the last few months of my relationship with H2, I had similar conversations with two people. I took elements from both.

So the epilogue:

In one case, the relationship ended and the friendship was never recovered. They were right, they had been acting as the glue that was holding my marriage together. H2 and I didn't last more than a few months after we stopped seeing each other. By the time I left H2, they were caught up in their own life. There was a car accident and job changes and a new marriage. I have not seen them in years and while I miss them, not being a part of my life is still the best decision for their happiness. I do my best to respect and honor that.

The other case, the friendship was recovered, but the dynamic changed drastically. They got involved with the person who would someday become their partner. They were willing to be with me in a poly relationship when they were single. When they met the person they married, they committed to a monogamous one. I can't complain, I gained an additional friend in the bargain, one I think the world of.

I loved H2 and even though I knew that what was happening was getting pretty bad, I didn't want to see it. In retrospect, I know that "JT" was right and that I should have left earlier than I did. However, I am stubborn and I have a sense of duty to vows I make. I thought I was being honorable.

I regret losing both of the relationships that ended because of H2. However, what I regret more is that I could not see that H2 wasn't looking out for my best interests, he was mostly concerned for his own. I wish I could go back to my 30 something self and ask her to look beyond her promises and commitments and actually see what she was getting from the relationship and what she was missing.

Unfortunately, I can only read what I wrote that day fifteen years ago and remember how very much it hurt to lose those relationships. I hope that they remember me fondly.

I remember in the very early 80s, I heard my first long distance dedication on Casey Kasem's Top Forty Countdown. The writer asked for this song. I thought it was pretty then. Now that I am older, it always makes me very sad, because I better understand the regret and pain that goes with it.

Today's Song - Your Wildest Dreams - The Moody Blues

”And the walls kept tumbling down...”

I saw DA. It hurt. It didn’t hurt for the reasons I thought it would. 

A friend said (to paraphrase): How does it feel to be right, Cassandra? I know she was referring to predictions I made in August that seem to be true. Predictions I made with the relish of hurt and anger.

Right now, I wish I hadn’t (seemingly) hit things on the nose. I could be wrong, it’s not like DA is confiding in me. But my predictions were affirmed throughout the weekend by my observations, as well as other people’s.

I remember where DA ended up last year. I didn’t understand what was happening; I was too caught up in my own trauma (chronic pain which was requiring daily maintenance.) I could not be supportive of DA and I was getting cruel when saying so. 

I see DA on a similar trajectory for this year, except faster and without a safety crew.

I am well aware that DA isn’t my problem and that is by his choice. I understand that I could have completely misread the situation. I could be wrong.

I trust my gut and it says otherwise.

"I'm not a robot, without emotion, I'm not what you see..."

Last night was fantastic, except for one minor incident. I had been chatting with someone and we agreed that we would meet up last night and talk. This was at a  large gathering of people, so I figured we would chat at some point. I knew they were coming from a distance, but I had seen them at this gathering before.

It was a busy night and there were a lot of people to talk to. I got caught up with Keto and then talking to some other people. I was distracted and enjoying myself. 

She came over to me while I was talking (and playing with rope) with a rope top.  In an incredibly bitchy tone of voice, she informed me that obviously I was not interested and how dare I have wasted her time? She then stormed off in a flounce.

I immediately began owning the blame and was about to chase after her when the rope top stopped me. "What did you two negotiate?"

"That we were going to sit down and chat tonight."

"That doesn't sound time you set a time or a duration. Were you going to leave right now?"

I shook my head no.

"Then why are you apologizing for her mistaken expectations? You could still talk to her and if she had been pleasant about it, I bet you would have."

And I realized that I didn't have to chase after her. I was not responsible for her emotions.

I still lamented a bit on the way home and the friend I carpool with said, "I think you dodged a bullet. She was meeting you at a BDSM munch. She knows what it is like. If she wanted to see you, then she should have set a time. And why she would expect you to devote all your time to her at a munch is simply wrong. She's been in the scene for a while, she should know better."

I made a sound of vague agreement.

She pressed further. "Don't let anyone make you responsible for their poor negotiation skills."

A couple of days ago I had this huge epiphany in my blog. I was really proud of myself and excited. I told my husband, KzF, Keto, and Rope Guy about it. All of my friends who read or heard about my breakthrough rallied behind me and told me how proud they were of my breakthrough.

I guess DA read the entry, I don't know. All he has responded with is that he doesn't want to deal with my emotions and that he will endeavor to make the Christmas fair pleasant and drama free. Of course, I will do my best to honor his request. However, since I have no clue what "dealing with my emotions" means, it means I just have to avoid him completely.

Here is my biased take: The first time DA and I saw each other, we hugged and he said something somewhat inappropriate. In a confused reaction, I started rambling. I didn't sob or make a lot of noise, I didn't throw myself at him. I didn't do anything but talk about how I was feeling. I saw that it was upsetting him, I got into my car and drove off with an apology.

The second time we met, I had carefully put together an agenda so we wouldn't hit any difficult topics. DA decided that I had to know that his girlfriend (Secondary) would be participating in the fair. (This was not on the agenda and it seems to me that he could figure out that telling me about his girlfriend also doing fair might cause a negative response.)

He was inconsiderate of my feelings and then blamed me for my emotional reaction. I found out near the end of our conversation that Secondary was very upset with him and had read him the riot act the night before. This, of course, had no impact on our discussion. It was my fault that he was emotional.

The last time we met, DA decided that he needed to confide something to me that was incredibly personal and something he shouldn't have told me if he didn't want an emotional response. He didn't ask me or warn me. He just asked that I not write about what was said. What he said was difficult to process. I didn't cry. I didn't get angry. I did my best to be supportive and offer my sympathy and advice.

He went away for over a week and I did not contact him at all. When he got back, I tried to ask him if we could discuss what was said, because it was a big fucking deal and he just dumped it on me and then left. I was clumsy, frustrated and I botched up the asking with suppressed emotions and an inability to express myself. That's what prompted the epiphany, I didn't know how to say, "Hey, you dumped something big on me, can we talk about it?"

DA asked that we stop the conversation. I stopped and I haven't spoken with him since.

The reason I did not wait to share my epiphany is because it was my damn epiphany and only has a little bit to do with him. I also did not share the precise request I was making of him because he asked me not to mention the incident in my blog, so I just used the vague phrase "deal with my emotions" because that is the line I try to walk. And yes, I am walking the line, because I have mentioned the incident at all. I just want people to understand that I am not being a crazy ex, stalking DA. He told me something that requires processing. If he didn't want to deal with my need to process, he should not have fucking told me without warning me. Since he did tell me, I feel that shutting me down and refusing to talk to me is cruel and given that it is a couple of days prior to rehearsals, it's asking a lot of me, given that I have been sitting on this for over two weeks.

I can't force DA to follow up on what he told me or help me deal with it. I can't keep sending him explanations about what I was trying to tell him. I can just take the lesson that he is not to be trusted and that talking to him will always go badly for me.

I really wish that he wouldn't read my blog; he can't seem to separate what I write from my actions.

I fully admit that many of my emotions aren't pretty. I know that  blog is an emotional sausage factory. DA said he doesn't want to deal with my emotions. All right, then why does he choose to read my blog. When I made this observation to a friend, he told me, "Well just remove DA from the list."

DA isn't on any list. He receives no notification if I have posted or not. My guess is that he checks my blog periodically and reads whatever has been posted since the last time he checked. There are often multiple checks per day, but as I have mentioned, I am not tracking IP addresses, so I don't know who precisely is reading my blog. I do know that If DA wants to read my blog, he has to take an action and refresh a webpage. I am not making him deal with my raw and messy emotions, he is choosing to do so.

I realized this morning that I don't have to accommodate DA. I would not change my blogging habits to spare him from my emotions. I am not going to walk around the christmas rehearsals or the fair like some kind of robot, pretending I don't feel things.

I stand by my promise, I am not looking for drama at fair. I don't want public scenes or nasty fights.  DA is welcome to do whatever he feels is necessary to protect himself. However, I am not going to pretend that I don't feel things so he is comfortable. He dumped something on me and now he's not owning his lack of negotiation and communication skills. That isn't my problem and I won't let it be. I won't change my behavior because he told me something he shouldn't have.

Today's song occurred to me in the shower. I was thinking of the idea of being a robot and thus I found the line I selected for my title. Given that the album is the first one I ever bought (I was 11 and it's still my guilty pleasure) it was an easy choice.

"But I'm too old to go chasing you around/ Wasting my precious energy..."

In 2002, the man I was dating at the time, Jack, wanted to buy me a gift. He specifically wanted to buy me something I would not buy for myself. He made me tell him that I wanted one of the woven wraps sold at fair. They were rather expensive, far more than I could afford.

He took me to the booth. The shopkeeper carefully arranged the wrap and then turned me around to show Jack. He smiled that crooked grin of his and said, "Well?"

I looked at him questioningly, I didn't know what he wanted.

"Do you like it?"

I nodded.

"Do you want it?"

I nodded again.

"Then tell me."

I think I jumped up and down like a 7 year old and said "please, please." I still have that wrap and it is as gorgeous as the day it was given to me.

I was reminded of that incident yesterday. I will be attending a convention. Rope Guy and Keto are both going as well. Keto and I are sharing a room, but we really haven't discussed things beyond that we are going. RG and I have been negotiating what time we would like to spend together, since he is attending without his primary.

I was having trouble figuring out what to do when RG made the following suggestion (posted without permission) "How would it be if you and I planned to spend some time together each day, without monopolizing one another? I want us both to be able to experience as much as we can."

It's so obvious and brilliant.  I felt like an idiot that someone else had to point it out to me. I am making the same suggestion to Keto. I also realized why Keto and I haven't negotiated or discussed what we are doing during the convention. He is waiting for me to tell him what I want.

I realized last night that Keto is so worried that I will leave that he is not going to tell me anything that he thinks will upset me. He will tell me anything I ask him. However, he needs to feel safe and know that I really want to hear his thoughts and opinions. If I just give him an open-ended question, I am putting all of the pressure on him. I know very well how Keto feels. I have felt that way in nearly every relationship I have been in. I am always afraid that the person will leave.

Jack was the first person who made me realize that I am supposed to ask for things I want. He had to cajole, push, and sometimes outright force me, and I usually responded like a seven-year old. I had never learned how to ask for things like an adult. My parents never taught me to ask for what I wanted. I learned, quite early, that the answer was always no. If I made a scene, the punishment would be quick and severe. If I was a good girl, I was given things without asking. I learned to be good and hope that I would get something akin to what I wanted. There were no letters to Santa, no birthday wish lists and my grandmother was the only adult who asked me what I wanted when presents were involved.

I have spent most of my life waiting for things to be given to me. If I didn't get them, I assumed that I had done something wrong.

There is a lot to unpack here and I don't want to do it now. But while this has many negatives, there is one positive that I found and I think that is why I seem to move on so quickly from ended relationships. The worst thing that can happen to me is to have someone leave. I figured that I drove them away and that I am responsible. However, because I was taught to never ask for things, I have rarely, if ever, gone to an ex to ask them for something. I did ask Jack for something after we broke up, but it was a transaction, I was collecting on an outstanding emotional debt (and it was 8 years after we parted).

I also realized that if I end the relationship, I am more than willing to allow the person back into my life. If they "leave" (because they are abandoning me and yes that's hypocritical) the likelihood of us creating a new relationship decreases dramatically. They have already done the worst thing anyone can do to me in a relationship. I tried to be good and they left. I tried my best and I wasn't good enough. Why should I ever put any effort into them or a relationship with them again?

There are exceptions and it's because the person was able to understand my fear of abandonment and address it. They were able to tell me that leaving was a mistake and they can't imagine not having me in their life. They learned that the relationship dynamic changed drastically because I no longer have any motivation to be "good". I will be the first to admit it's shitty and I need to change it. I never realized it until last night. I should never have tried to be "good" in the first place. I should have just told the person what the hell I wanted from the start.

I am determined that this revelation is going to benefit Rope Guy and Keto. I am not going to worry that they are going to leave. I am going to tell them what I want. They can say yes or no and they will only be answering a question. A "no" isn't akin to abandonment.

If you are curious about last night's entry, it's the flip side. If DA and I are ever going to have something beyond peaceful coexistence, he is going to have to understand that I have already realized my greatest fear. He left. After three years of me doing everything I could to be "good", he left anyway. I wasn't "good enough".

I told him that he never had cause to doubt my feelings for him. He countered that my blog entries (among other things) made him question my feelings for him. I can see his point. I have said some pretty nasty things. I will fully admit that our relationship was toxic and reading through past entries of my journal, I can see it plain as day. I said awful things and I take responsibility for them.

As to what I wrote before we broke up, I can only say that he is right, and I wish we had been in a space to discuss what I was writing. I think it would have been beneficial. As for what I wrote after he said goodbye, that is none of his business. When one person ends a relationship, the other person leaves. There is not discussion of what is wanted, needed or what would be supportive. I followed through on that contract. I left. I packed up all my emotional baggage and took it with me. If I wrote in my public journal about what I was feeling and processing, that is my business. I could have been more accommodating and made this journal private, but DA has to take an action to read it. We are not friends on Facebook. Further, while most of you know who he is, a search of his name would not connect him to my blog. I know he does not appreciate what I write when it is about him.

I can do polite coexistence, I believe I am to that point. However, my imaginary friend, JT, is right. Any interaction with DA will hurt. The easiest thing for me to do is to keep any contact to a minimum and let time heal the wounds. I won't unpack that baggage without a damn good reason. I know DA has been reading my blog and while I won't count on him reading this, I will state this for him and anyone else to read.

I am very glad that I met DA. He opened my eyes to many things and brought me back to the world. I did not stay in a relationship because of fear, doubt, or because it was horrible and toxic and I was too stupid to leave. There is a lot of positive that I take from this relationship. I love DA and for good reason. And yes, I still love him. I don't fall in love easily and while I may move on from a relationship, that doesn't end loving someone. I still love Jack and I haven't spoken to him in years.

I have learned probably the most valued lesson of my life (so far). I can't simply be "good" and hope I will get what I want. I need to articulate clearly and directly and accept a yes with gratitude and a no with grace.

I did not give that to DA for most of our relationship. I regret that deeply. I simply did not know how. I can do that now and I am trying to.

I would tell him, if I could, that should he want back into my life, I need a better reason than peaceful coexistence at the fair. It took a lot of work for me to pack up the emotional baggage and walk away when he said goodbye. It was right, it was needful and it was probably the best thing for us at the time. That doesn't change that it was emotionally devastating for me.

"But what about DA's feelings? Don't you think it was equally difficult for him?"

I do not doubt for a second that it was difficult. But the moment he said, "Goodbye Rachel", my obligation to give a damn about his feelings was ended. If he wants me to care about his feelings again, then I want him to deal with mine. I want him to understand that I felt abandoned and unworthy. I want him to understand how it affected me and why it makes it hard for me to trust him again. I want him to understand that. And then I want him to tell me why he wants me in his life again. He threw me away and I left. If he wants me back in his life, even as a friend, he is going to have to tell me what he needs or wants from me.

He can ask me for what he wants. If it is something I can provide, I will say yes. If it is something I cannot, I will say no. Either answer has to be acceptable. 

There are a number of people who delight and enjoy in my attention. If I engage with DA, I am taking energy from them to devote emotional labor to him. I need a better reason than "so I can talk to you at the Christmas fair if I get lonely or bored ".

DA can say yes to my request. He can say, 'I will try to deal with your feelings' and I will accept with gratitude. DA can say no, and I will accept it with grace. Regardless of his answer, I will do my best to make sure that our time at the christmas fair is peaceful and drama free. To do so is as much to my benefit as it is for his.

"Rachel?" you may ask, "why don't you tell him this directly?"

I tried and was unable to do so. That was the epiphany I had and it was after we had closed communication for the night. DA has not reopened it and so until he does, he will hear nothing from me directly. However, I write this blog with the knowledge that he reads it, so I am taking advantage of that now. Also, those of you who are doing the Christmas fair with me, can hold me to my statement, that I will behave and keep the peace.

I think I have used this song before, but it applies so I am using it again.

See the stone set in your eyes..."

I heard this song last weekend at one of the games I was playing. It has been haunting me ever since.

I had a bit of an epiphany tonight about how I am feeling and what I need. I am still processing through it. So I am just going to share the song and let it percolate.

I will follow up on it when I am able.

"The time to hesitate is through..."

In 2009, I was given a lesson in patience. Pardon, a lesson in patience crashed into my life and made me it's bitch. While I was shopping at a Victorian fair that year, there was a shop that had tarot card charms. I saw a pendant and knew that it was what I was looking for, even though I hadn't realized that I had been looking for something. The pendant was a Hanging Man. I wore the necklace daily for months while I waited for my lesson to resolve itself. Anytime that I would get wound up, I would touch the tracings on the pendant and find some peace. I have no idea where the pendant is, I think I removed it when the lesson was learned. Regardless, that particular tarot card holds a special place in my heart. It reminds me that sometimes the only answer is to be patient and wait and that waiting isn't death.

I did a tarot reading about where I am at currently. I don't believe that there is anything magical or spiritual about an online website that generates a reading based on a few algorithms. I have found that doing readings this way helps me process through a problem since the cards give me a way to reframe or change perspective.  If you click the link, you can see what I got. I used a Celtic Cross pattern, since it is the one I learned. I have been using the site for years.

Well, another lesson has decided to take my life by storm. Once again, I bought a tailsman for myself while I was at the local Ren Faire. It is the same people that sold me the pendant so many years ago. I did not get a tarot pendant this time, although I did look at them. Instead I chose four bone charms. There is a partial moon face and three stars. I am not sure how to explain the charms or their placement. I will just say that it is meaningful to me. I took a quick snap if you are curious. I want something of myself in the necklace, so I went bead shopping. I am planning on making the necklace into something I can wear daily. I am hoping that I can make it for suitable to wear during the Christmas fair, so I let my character pick some of the beads. This might sound strange, but I have been playing Faith Ramsbottom for 10 years. She is a distinctive voice in my head. She has opinions about what she wears as her garb at the fair, how her hair is done and how she looks. She also has some distinct opinions about my personal life. Hmm, I think that a conversation with her might be interesting to write down. Faith tends to represent my Id and it's useful to have it personified at times. 

The lesson seems to do with emotional connections (big surprise). I know that the configuration of the charms is important although I couldn't say why. Keto was with me when I made the purchase. I could see his curiosity, but I told him that it was a symbolic purchase, and that it was a similar to why I got my tattoo. 

Oh right. So I got a tattoo on my right leg a few weeks ago (September 25). I wanted people to have a chance to see it in person before I posted a picture. This was taken right after it was done. Now that it

is healed, I should get another picture. The tattoo is meant to be the lamp post from the The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe:

 

"Lucy felt a little frightened, but she felt very inquisitive and excited as well. She looked back over her there, between the dark tree-trunks, she could still see the open doorway of the wardrobe and even catch a glimpse of the empty room from which she had set out. (She had, of course, left the door open, for she knew that it is a very silly thing to shut oneself into a wardrobe.) It seemed to be still daylight there. "I can always get back if anything goes wrong," thought Lucy. 

She began to walk forward, crunch-crunch, over the snow and through the wood towards the other light. In about ten minutes she reached it and found that it was a lamp-post. As she stood looking at it, wondering why there was a lamp-post in the middle of a wood and wondering what to do next, she heard a pitter patter of feet coming towards her. And soon after that a very strange person stepped out from among the trees into the light of the lamp-post."

There are a lot of reasons that I chose the lamp-post. I have many fond memories of my grandfather reading the Narnia books to me. I loved them so much that my grandfather bought me a boxed set of the books, a set I still have on my shelf.  I always liked the the lamp-post because of what it symbolizes as a beacon both into Narnia and out of it. It was not the first tattoo I planned, but it was the right one to start with.

It seems I am going through a symbol phase. 

RG wrote this to me in an email. (I am quoting without permission): "I agree there was a strong connection in class. I have no clue yet what dynamic is likely to emerge between us, though, so I don’t have a sense yet of what else I might like to try with you. If you’re sensing something, though, or feeling drawn to a particular activity with me, maybe we can find a way to talk about it."

I feel like Keto and RG are asking me to take a more significant role in creating these relationships. Keto has decided, at least for now, that he is not interested in pursuing any other relationships. RG has some people he plays with, but outside of his primary, he isn't in any other relationships.

I think that one of my problems is that I don't act, I react. I always have the snappy comeback. I know how the problem ought to be fixed. I can handle anything that life throws at me. However, when it comes to taking a step forward, I am paralyzed.

I feel that the most beautiful moment in the book and in the movie of the The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe is when Lucy comes out of the wood and into the circle of light of the lamp-post. She took an action without knowing the outcome or having a guarantee as to what would happen. Lucy believed in Narnia even though her sister and her brothers thought she was making it up.

I have my lamp-post and my moon and stars (which is not meant to be a Game of Thrones reference) to guide me. I am going to step forward toward the light and hope that the adventure I discover is better than being shut up in a wardrobe.

Coming up with a song for today was really difficult. Nothing seemed to fit. There are times when the song feels painfully obvious or too pointed. This is not one of those times, so I decided to take a song that is rich with symbolism and meaning. Who better than The Doors?