"The time to hesitate is through..."

In 2009, I was given a lesson in patience. Pardon, a lesson in patience crashed into my life and made me it's bitch. While I was shopping at a Victorian fair that year, there was a shop that had tarot card charms. I saw a pendant and knew that it was what I was looking for, even though I hadn't realized that I had been looking for something. The pendant was a Hanging Man. I wore the necklace daily for months while I waited for my lesson to resolve itself. Anytime that I would get wound up, I would touch the tracings on the pendant and find some peace. I have no idea where the pendant is, I think I removed it when the lesson was learned. Regardless, that particular tarot card holds a special place in my heart. It reminds me that sometimes the only answer is to be patient and wait and that waiting isn't death.

I did a tarot reading about where I am at currently. I don't believe that there is anything magical or spiritual about an online website that generates a reading based on a few algorithms. I have found that doing readings this way helps me process through a problem since the cards give me a way to reframe or change perspective.  If you click the link, you can see what I got. I used a Celtic Cross pattern, since it is the one I learned. I have been using the site for years.

Well, another lesson has decided to take my life by storm. Once again, I bought a tailsman for myself while I was at the local Ren Faire. It is the same people that sold me the pendant so many years ago. I did not get a tarot pendant this time, although I did look at them. Instead I chose four bone charms. There is a partial moon face and three stars. I am not sure how to explain the charms or their placement. I will just say that it is meaningful to me. I took a quick snap if you are curious. I want something of myself in the necklace, so I went bead shopping. I am planning on making the necklace into something I can wear daily. I am hoping that I can make it for suitable to wear during the Christmas fair, so I let my character pick some of the beads. This might sound strange, but I have been playing Faith Ramsbottom for 10 years. She is a distinctive voice in my head. She has opinions about what she wears as her garb at the fair, how her hair is done and how she looks. She also has some distinct opinions about my personal life. Hmm, I think that a conversation with her might be interesting to write down. Faith tends to represent my Id and it's useful to have it personified at times. 

The lesson seems to do with emotional connections (big surprise). I know that the configuration of the charms is important although I couldn't say why. Keto was with me when I made the purchase. I could see his curiosity, but I told him that it was a symbolic purchase, and that it was a similar to why I got my tattoo. 

Oh right. So I got a tattoo on my right leg a few weeks ago (September 25). I wanted people to have a chance to see it in person before I posted a picture. This was taken right after it was done. Now that it

is healed, I should get another picture. The tattoo is meant to be the lamp post from the The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe:

 

"Lucy felt a little frightened, but she felt very inquisitive and excited as well. She looked back over her there, between the dark tree-trunks, she could still see the open doorway of the wardrobe and even catch a glimpse of the empty room from which she had set out. (She had, of course, left the door open, for she knew that it is a very silly thing to shut oneself into a wardrobe.) It seemed to be still daylight there. "I can always get back if anything goes wrong," thought Lucy. 

She began to walk forward, crunch-crunch, over the snow and through the wood towards the other light. In about ten minutes she reached it and found that it was a lamp-post. As she stood looking at it, wondering why there was a lamp-post in the middle of a wood and wondering what to do next, she heard a pitter patter of feet coming towards her. And soon after that a very strange person stepped out from among the trees into the light of the lamp-post."

There are a lot of reasons that I chose the lamp-post. I have many fond memories of my grandfather reading the Narnia books to me. I loved them so much that my grandfather bought me a boxed set of the books, a set I still have on my shelf.  I always liked the the lamp-post because of what it symbolizes as a beacon both into Narnia and out of it. It was not the first tattoo I planned, but it was the right one to start with.

It seems I am going through a symbol phase. 

RG wrote this to me in an email. (I am quoting without permission): "I agree there was a strong connection in class. I have no clue yet what dynamic is likely to emerge between us, though, so I don’t have a sense yet of what else I might like to try with you. If you’re sensing something, though, or feeling drawn to a particular activity with me, maybe we can find a way to talk about it."

I feel like Keto and RG are asking me to take a more significant role in creating these relationships. Keto has decided, at least for now, that he is not interested in pursuing any other relationships. RG has some people he plays with, but outside of his primary, he isn't in any other relationships.

I think that one of my problems is that I don't act, I react. I always have the snappy comeback. I know how the problem ought to be fixed. I can handle anything that life throws at me. However, when it comes to taking a step forward, I am paralyzed.

I feel that the most beautiful moment in the book and in the movie of the The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe is when Lucy comes out of the wood and into the circle of light of the lamp-post. She took an action without knowing the outcome or having a guarantee as to what would happen. Lucy believed in Narnia even though her sister and her brothers thought she was making it up.

I have my lamp-post and my moon and stars (which is not meant to be a Game of Thrones reference) to guide me. I am going to step forward toward the light and hope that the adventure I discover is better than being shut up in a wardrobe.

Coming up with a song for today was really difficult. Nothing seemed to fit. There are times when the song feels painfully obvious or too pointed. This is not one of those times, so I decided to take a song that is rich with symbolism and meaning. Who better than The Doors?