"I'm not a robot, without emotion, I'm not what you see..."

Last night was fantastic, except for one minor incident. I had been chatting with someone and we agreed that we would meet up last night and talk. This was at a  large gathering of people, so I figured we would chat at some point. I knew they were coming from a distance, but I had seen them at this gathering before.

It was a busy night and there were a lot of people to talk to. I got caught up with Keto and then talking to some other people. I was distracted and enjoying myself. 

She came over to me while I was talking (and playing with rope) with a rope top.  In an incredibly bitchy tone of voice, she informed me that obviously I was not interested and how dare I have wasted her time? She then stormed off in a flounce.

I immediately began owning the blame and was about to chase after her when the rope top stopped me. "What did you two negotiate?"

"That we were going to sit down and chat tonight."

"That doesn't sound time you set a time or a duration. Were you going to leave right now?"

I shook my head no.

"Then why are you apologizing for her mistaken expectations? You could still talk to her and if she had been pleasant about it, I bet you would have."

And I realized that I didn't have to chase after her. I was not responsible for her emotions.

I still lamented a bit on the way home and the friend I carpool with said, "I think you dodged a bullet. She was meeting you at a BDSM munch. She knows what it is like. If she wanted to see you, then she should have set a time. And why she would expect you to devote all your time to her at a munch is simply wrong. She's been in the scene for a while, she should know better."

I made a sound of vague agreement.

She pressed further. "Don't let anyone make you responsible for their poor negotiation skills."

A couple of days ago I had this huge epiphany in my blog. I was really proud of myself and excited. I told my husband, KzF, Keto, and Rope Guy about it. All of my friends who read or heard about my breakthrough rallied behind me and told me how proud they were of my breakthrough.

I guess DA read the entry, I don't know. All he has responded with is that he doesn't want to deal with my emotions and that he will endeavor to make the Christmas fair pleasant and drama free. Of course, I will do my best to honor his request. However, since I have no clue what "dealing with my emotions" means, it means I just have to avoid him completely.

Here is my biased take: The first time DA and I saw each other, we hugged and he said something somewhat inappropriate. In a confused reaction, I started rambling. I didn't sob or make a lot of noise, I didn't throw myself at him. I didn't do anything but talk about how I was feeling. I saw that it was upsetting him, I got into my car and drove off with an apology.

The second time we met, I had carefully put together an agenda so we wouldn't hit any difficult topics. DA decided that I had to know that his girlfriend (Secondary) would be participating in the fair. (This was not on the agenda and it seems to me that he could figure out that telling me about his girlfriend also doing fair might cause a negative response.)

He was inconsiderate of my feelings and then blamed me for my emotional reaction. I found out near the end of our conversation that Secondary was very upset with him and had read him the riot act the night before. This, of course, had no impact on our discussion. It was my fault that he was emotional.

The last time we met, DA decided that he needed to confide something to me that was incredibly personal and something he shouldn't have told me if he didn't want an emotional response. He didn't ask me or warn me. He just asked that I not write about what was said. What he said was difficult to process. I didn't cry. I didn't get angry. I did my best to be supportive and offer my sympathy and advice.

He went away for over a week and I did not contact him at all. When he got back, I tried to ask him if we could discuss what was said, because it was a big fucking deal and he just dumped it on me and then left. I was clumsy, frustrated and I botched up the asking with suppressed emotions and an inability to express myself. That's what prompted the epiphany, I didn't know how to say, "Hey, you dumped something big on me, can we talk about it?"

DA asked that we stop the conversation. I stopped and I haven't spoken with him since.

The reason I did not wait to share my epiphany is because it was my damn epiphany and only has a little bit to do with him. I also did not share the precise request I was making of him because he asked me not to mention the incident in my blog, so I just used the vague phrase "deal with my emotions" because that is the line I try to walk. And yes, I am walking the line, because I have mentioned the incident at all. I just want people to understand that I am not being a crazy ex, stalking DA. He told me something that requires processing. If he didn't want to deal with my need to process, he should not have fucking told me without warning me. Since he did tell me, I feel that shutting me down and refusing to talk to me is cruel and given that it is a couple of days prior to rehearsals, it's asking a lot of me, given that I have been sitting on this for over two weeks.

I can't force DA to follow up on what he told me or help me deal with it. I can't keep sending him explanations about what I was trying to tell him. I can just take the lesson that he is not to be trusted and that talking to him will always go badly for me.

I really wish that he wouldn't read my blog; he can't seem to separate what I write from my actions.

I fully admit that many of my emotions aren't pretty. I know that  blog is an emotional sausage factory. DA said he doesn't want to deal with my emotions. All right, then why does he choose to read my blog. When I made this observation to a friend, he told me, "Well just remove DA from the list."

DA isn't on any list. He receives no notification if I have posted or not. My guess is that he checks my blog periodically and reads whatever has been posted since the last time he checked. There are often multiple checks per day, but as I have mentioned, I am not tracking IP addresses, so I don't know who precisely is reading my blog. I do know that If DA wants to read my blog, he has to take an action and refresh a webpage. I am not making him deal with my raw and messy emotions, he is choosing to do so.

I realized this morning that I don't have to accommodate DA. I would not change my blogging habits to spare him from my emotions. I am not going to walk around the christmas rehearsals or the fair like some kind of robot, pretending I don't feel things.

I stand by my promise, I am not looking for drama at fair. I don't want public scenes or nasty fights.  DA is welcome to do whatever he feels is necessary to protect himself. However, I am not going to pretend that I don't feel things so he is comfortable. He dumped something on me and now he's not owning his lack of negotiation and communication skills. That isn't my problem and I won't let it be. I won't change my behavior because he told me something he shouldn't have.

Today's song occurred to me in the shower. I was thinking of the idea of being a robot and thus I found the line I selected for my title. Given that the album is the first one I ever bought (I was 11 and it's still my guilty pleasure) it was an easy choice.