He took me to the booth. The shopkeeper carefully arranged the wrap and then turned me around to show Jack. He smiled that crooked grin of his and said, "Well?"
I looked at him questioningly, I didn't know what he wanted.
"Do you like it?"
I nodded.
"Do you want it?"
I nodded again.
"Then tell me."
I think I jumped up and down like a 7 year old and said "please, please." I still have that wrap and it is as gorgeous as the day it was given to me.
I was reminded of that incident yesterday. I will be attending a convention. Rope Guy and Keto are both going as well. Keto and I are sharing a room, but we really haven't discussed things beyond that we are going. RG and I have been negotiating what time we would like to spend together, since he is attending without his primary.
I was having trouble figuring out what to do when RG made the following suggestion (posted without permission) "How would it be if you and I planned to spend some time together each day, without monopolizing one another? I want us both to be able to experience as much as we can."
It's so obvious and brilliant. I felt like an idiot that someone else had to point it out to me. I am making the same suggestion to Keto. I also realized why Keto and I haven't negotiated or discussed what we are doing during the convention. He is waiting for me to tell him what I want.
I realized last night that Keto is so worried that I will leave that he is not going to tell me anything that he thinks will upset me. He will tell me anything I ask him. However, he needs to feel safe and know that I really want to hear his thoughts and opinions. If I just give him an open-ended question, I am putting all of the pressure on him. I know very well how Keto feels. I have felt that way in nearly every relationship I have been in. I am always afraid that the person will leave.
Jack was the first person who made me realize that I am supposed to ask for things I want. He had to cajole, push, and sometimes outright force me, and I usually responded like a seven-year old. I had never learned how to ask for things like an adult. My parents never taught me to ask for what I wanted. I learned, quite early, that the answer was always no. If I made a scene, the punishment would be quick and severe. If I was a good girl, I was given things without asking. I learned to be good and hope that I would get something akin to what I wanted. There were no letters to Santa, no birthday wish lists and my grandmother was the only adult who asked me what I wanted when presents were involved.
I have spent most of my life waiting for things to be given to me. If I didn't get them, I assumed that I had done something wrong.
There is a lot to unpack here and I don't want to do it now. But while this has many negatives, there is one positive that I found and I think that is why I seem to move on so quickly from ended relationships. The worst thing that can happen to me is to have someone leave. I figured that I drove them away and that I am responsible. However, because I was taught to never ask for things, I have rarely, if ever, gone to an ex to ask them for something. I did ask Jack for something after we broke up, but it was a transaction, I was collecting on an outstanding emotional debt (and it was 8 years after we parted).
I also realized that if I end the relationship, I am more than willing to allow the person back into my life. If they "leave" (because they are abandoning me and yes that's hypocritical) the likelihood of us creating a new relationship decreases dramatically. They have already done the worst thing anyone can do to me in a relationship. I tried to be good and they left. I tried my best and I wasn't good enough. Why should I ever put any effort into them or a relationship with them again?
There are exceptions and it's because the person was able to understand my fear of abandonment and address it. They were able to tell me that leaving was a mistake and they can't imagine not having me in their life. They learned that the relationship dynamic changed drastically because I no longer have any motivation to be "good". I will be the first to admit it's shitty and I need to change it. I never realized it until last night. I should never have tried to be "good" in the first place. I should have just told the person what the hell I wanted from the start.
I am determined that this revelation is going to benefit Rope Guy and Keto. I am not going to worry that they are going to leave. I am going to tell them what I want. They can say yes or no and they will only be answering a question. A "no" isn't akin to abandonment.
If you are curious about last night's entry, it's the flip side. If DA and I are ever going to have something beyond peaceful coexistence, he is going to have to understand that I have already realized my greatest fear. He left. After three years of me doing everything I could to be "good", he left anyway. I wasn't "good enough".
I told him that he never had cause to doubt my feelings for him. He countered that my blog entries (among other things) made him question my feelings for him. I can see his point. I have said some pretty nasty things. I will fully admit that our relationship was toxic and reading through past entries of my journal, I can see it plain as day. I said awful things and I take responsibility for them.
As to what I wrote before we broke up, I can only say that he is right, and I wish we had been in a space to discuss what I was writing. I think it would have been beneficial. As for what I wrote after he said goodbye, that is none of his business. When one person ends a relationship, the other person leaves. There is not discussion of what is wanted, needed or what would be supportive. I followed through on that contract. I left. I packed up all my emotional baggage and took it with me. If I wrote in my public journal about what I was feeling and processing, that is my business. I could have been more accommodating and made this journal private, but DA has to take an action to read it. We are not friends on Facebook. Further, while most of you know who he is, a search of his name would not connect him to my blog. I know he does not appreciate what I write when it is about him.
I can do polite coexistence, I believe I am to that point. However, my imaginary friend, JT, is right. Any interaction with DA will hurt. The easiest thing for me to do is to keep any contact to a minimum and let time heal the wounds. I won't unpack that baggage without a damn good reason. I know DA has been reading my blog and while I won't count on him reading this, I will state this for him and anyone else to read.
I am very glad that I met DA. He opened my eyes to many things and brought me back to the world. I did not stay in a relationship because of fear, doubt, or because it was horrible and toxic and I was too stupid to leave. There is a lot of positive that I take from this relationship. I love DA and for good reason. And yes, I still love him. I don't fall in love easily and while I may move on from a relationship, that doesn't end loving someone. I still love Jack and I haven't spoken to him in years.
I have learned probably the most valued lesson of my life (so far). I can't simply be "good" and hope I will get what I want. I need to articulate clearly and directly and accept a yes with gratitude and a no with grace.
I did not give that to DA for most of our relationship. I regret that deeply. I simply did not know how. I can do that now and I am trying to.
I would tell him, if I could, that should he want back into my life, I need a better reason than peaceful coexistence at the fair. It took a lot of work for me to pack up the emotional baggage and walk away when he said goodbye. It was right, it was needful and it was probably the best thing for us at the time. That doesn't change that it was emotionally devastating for me.
"But what about DA's feelings? Don't you think it was equally difficult for him?"
I do not doubt for a second that it was difficult. But the moment he said, "Goodbye Rachel", my obligation to give a damn about his feelings was ended. If he wants me to care about his feelings again, then I want him to deal with mine. I want him to understand that I felt abandoned and unworthy. I want him to understand how it affected me and why it makes it hard for me to trust him again. I want him to understand that. And then I want him to tell me why he wants me in his life again. He threw me away and I left. If he wants me back in his life, even as a friend, he is going to have to tell me what he needs or wants from me.
He can ask me for what he wants. If it is something I can provide, I will say yes. If it is something I cannot, I will say no. Either answer has to be acceptable.
There are a number of people who delight and enjoy in my attention. If I engage with DA, I am taking energy from them to devote emotional labor to him. I need a better reason than "so I can talk to you at the Christmas fair if I get lonely or bored ".
DA can say yes to my request. He can say, 'I will try to deal with your feelings' and I will accept with gratitude. DA can say no, and I will accept it with grace. Regardless of his answer, I will do my best to make sure that our time at the christmas fair is peaceful and drama free. To do so is as much to my benefit as it is for his.
"Rachel?" you may ask, "why don't you tell him this directly?"
I tried and was unable to do so. That was the epiphany I had and it was after we had closed communication for the night. DA has not reopened it and so until he does, he will hear nothing from me directly. However, I write this blog with the knowledge that he reads it, so I am taking advantage of that now. Also, those of you who are doing the Christmas fair with me, can hold me to my statement, that I will behave and keep the peace.
I think I have used this song before, but it applies so I am using it again.
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