I hate that I am a product of my social conditioning. I said yesterday that I was fortunate that I was still allowed to lead workshops given all the fuss that has been going on recently. A friend texted me I had the wrong attitude. They felt that it was the organization that was lucky to have my skills.
I have been chewing on this since I received the text. As such, I found an article that gave me a lot to think about. It's hard for me to read because of the cognitive dissonance, but I am trying.
Rope Guy sent me a cartoon from the Oatmeal about that for my psych students. It goes into the reasons that humans are so resistant to taking in information that contradicts are current beliefs. It is called the Backfire Effect.
I thought my workshops were crap. It wasn't until someone whom I don't consider a friend (and is a teacher) told me how much they appreciated my new language workshop that I began to believe that I am offering something of value. The fact that any number of people told me that they enjoyed the workshop didn't matter. I didn't believe it until someone, whose respect I wanted, said something. Then I considered the possibility.
It got me thinking how many things that people are socialized to believe regarding gender and how people act.
It's the usual thing: A man is assertive, a woman is bossy. A man has a strong sense of self-worth, a woman is full of herself. If a man tells a woman that she shouldn't be friends with someone of the opposite gender, he is being protective. If a woman tells a man the same thing, she has jealousy issues and is insecure.
How many other gender norms are things I have internalized into limitations?
Speaking of limitations, I imagine some of you are wondering how seeing DA for the first time since May went. I am glad to say that it wasn't a problem. I saw him. I assume he saw me. We did not interact. This stuff about how I don't see myself as worthy made me look at our interactions differently. It motivated me to ignore him with as little energy expenditure as possible.
It wasn't difficult. I remember what he wrote in his most recent email when I suggested that we stop arguing via text (an argument he started) and clear things up in person. He wrote, "We have already met under numerous conditions and circumstances, many better than the context we find ourselves in today. I do not believe meeting would be a positive experience." (posted without permission).
I figured out a while ago that friendship with DA was unlikely. This time last year, I hoped we could be on good enough terms that our mutual hobby and what I considered my safe space wasn't interfered with. All attempts to manage that have failed spectacularly. I’m tired of trying to get to a basic understanding.
I have wonderful friends. I realized over the past few days that I never needed DA's version of friendship. (Many of you have spent the past three years telling me this, I am sorry I couldn't listen. See above about backfire effect.)
To quote an article I came across: "Psychopaths are very charming, and hook their victims with great intensity. However, this also means it's hard to let them go. Psychopaths and narcissists tend to target very empathetic people, because they can mistreat them as much as they want without them leaving." I can't say if DA could be described as someone with anti-social personality disorder. However, I believe I am empathic and I fall for this sort of crap. I take it hook, line and sinker. DA was nice to me when he needed emotional support, to be told he was pretty or someone to tell him how fantastic his performances were. When I refused to give him anything without receiving something in return, I became disposable. (The links in this paragraph are from the article, but I decided to leave them in.)
I won't deny having some petty thoughts about DA, too petty to mention here. Seeing him didn't hurt. I kept myself focused on my friends and my workshops. Hopefully this will be the last time I feel the need to mention him for the rest of the run.
Today's Song took some searching. I really wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I stumbled across this on a list and decided it was a good feeling. I also learned that this whole music thing I do with my entries is pretty indicative of being empathic. So learning!
Thank
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