I really wanted to attend the dance that is associated with fair. It was this past Saturday. I did not feel welcome. It is organized and hosted by "that person". They were offered the opportunity to meet with a mediator and start the process of working out a resolution between us. As far as I know, they declined because they felt the efforts made by the PTB (powers that be) and me didn't adequately address their concerns. (I have the impression that they won't be happy until I am kicked out of fair.)
The thing is that I want to dance. I miss it. I want to dance with the people I know at fair and the band I like at fair. I have tried to be understanding and considerate but now I am just fucking tired of it. I want my goddamned hobbies back.
"Rachel, why don't you just show up?"
Because I feel like I would be making trouble and upset people. When that organizer had to miss a month, I was specifically invited to attend.
No one suggested that I should come back when that person returned the next month.
Because I am a middle aged woman. As a dancer. the other person is far more valuable.
Because I am tired of the local fair and dance community feeling like the lunchroom in high school and I am not one of the cool kids.
I am really angry and resentful of the people who, knowing that I am not allowed to attend, don't care and go anyway. I don't think too much of a community that swears up and down about how inclusive they are and then turn a blind eye to people being excluded. If I have done something wrong or am a missing stair, no one has been able to tell me. I am supposed to figure it out on my own, I guess.
I know that there are other dance communities that I can join and I am
going to try a new one next week. It's south of where that other
person is and hopefully none of the people who have issues with me will
attend.
The song for this entry is a bit of a joke. I can't explain why it's funny. I will leave it at that it's a very danceable song, despite it's name.
Today's Song - I Don't Feel Like Dancin' by The Scissor Sisters
I saw the most recent Star Wars movie. I don't believe I ever thought I would see Episode 9. I don't remember when I learned it but it seems I grew up knowing that Lucas had planned nine episodes. I always thought I would only see three.
My father took me to see the first three Star Wars movies. (That would be New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi). I took my children to see the other six. There was something about seeing the last one that was very hard for me. It felt like the end of an era. I know that there will be other stories in the Star Wars universe, but it will be different. The connection will be adjacent.
I have had people with whom I have shared my love of Star Wars. I had never thought about how it felt like it strengthened my connection to my dad. People who loved aspects of the franchise that I never thought about. I always loved the music and the story. But I have dated people who loved particular characters or could tell me about the various ship models and their abilities. At the moment, I don't have that person in my life, although I could. I am just scared to share that part of myself with someone. Anything involving my father is troublesome. I hadn't realized how much of my feelings for him are incorporated into Star Wars.
My uncle D has been the family patriarch since my grandfather passed away. He has always been the soul of kindness, support and love. He has lost two daughters who were younger than me. Regardless, he has always seemed so strong. At Christmas dinner, he couldn't hold things, his hands were shaking so badly. He also complained of vertigo, which has been a problem for the people in my family. I realized that my time with him is limited and will come to an end. My uncles have been like fathers to me. Every time I lose one of them, it's almost like losing my father again. Seeing my uncle D like this at Christmas reminded me that I have so much more to lose.
I know that I am more fortunate than most, but I feel like I have lost so much this past year. I lost my cousin. I have given up on a friendship that I thought mattered to me. (It did, but not enough for me to let go of my anger.) There are more things I have lost, both little and large. I feel like this year is full of endings, most of which were inevitable, but that I would never have wanted if given the choice. I find I am very tired of endings and thinking about endings.
I realized something with regards to Lefty Teacher. He is covered by the camp rule. I need to leave things better than I find them. I have no problem with being careful, but I don't want to have to consider another ending. I don't want another relationship where I know that the end result is going to be handing him off to someone else. I thought I could do it before and I fucked that up so badly. I broke the camp rule and I left things damaged. I am wondering if I can trust myself with someone I know is vulnerable.
I don't know how to tell this to LT. I will at some point because not telling him things is stupid. I know that not pursuing a relationship because I am afraid of loss is against everything I believe about living.
But I am afraid. I am so tired of losing the people that matter to me. I don't want to risk another.
I am indulging in watching The Lake House. There are very few romantic movies that I will watch, much less enjoy. This is one I have watched over and over. The last watching, I focused on the architecture and the light. Today I paid attention to the music, so I guess that will supply today's song. The story of the writer and singer is a very sad story on it's own.
THE WHOLE FOODS IS CROWDED WITH HOLIDAY SHOPPERS. CHRISTMAS CAROLS PLAY OVER THE PA. RACHEL IS DRESSED IN A LOOSE T-SHIRT. HER JEANS ARE TUCKED INTO BLACK UGG BOOTS. HER HAIR IS PULLED BACK IN A CLIP. JT IS WEARING HIS USUAL BLACK SHIRT, BLACK PANTS AND BLACK SWEATER. HE IS WEARING A GRAY NEWSBOY CAP, COCKED SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT.
JT And then what happened? RACHEL His mother was there in front of me. My stomach flipped and I was flummoxed on stage. I fucking hate that! JT Yeah, and when you tried to explain she defended her son, big surprise? RACHEL (distractedly checking lettuces) I didn’t ask to see her. I warned DA that I wouldn’t lie for him again. If he couldn’t make it clear to his mother that he cut me out of his life, not my problem. JT Did it occur to you that his mother wanted to see if that’s what was really what was going on? It seems that DA’s mother has grown fond of you. Maybe she didn’t believe what he told her. RACHEL (shrugs) What mother wants to hear that her child is a misanthropic snot bubble?
JT (chuckles) Snot bubble? RACHEL (smiling) It started during first weekend of workshops. We were discussing how annoying snot bubbles were and it went from there. JT Rachel, when was the last time you said something nice about DA? (Holds his hands up as she starts in. He hands her some radishes) I’m serious, Rachel. You know that the cycle has to break and you know you have to be the one to do it. What if you had told DA that it was nice to see his mother? RACHEL (seething, throwing apples into a bag) After what the man put me through, you want me to forgive him? JT No. I didn’t say that. But every time you talk about him, there’s a new epithet, a new reason to be upset. The man could send you roses and you’d complain that there were thorns on them. Look, I’m more relieved than most that you and that ass aren’t together. You were so unhappy. I know he hurt you. I’m not saying otherwise. It’s been a year sweetheart. You two are done with each other, likely for good. However you were together for a long time, so let’s change the narrative. Tell me something nice about him. RACHEL (glares and sighs) I shared a couple of his dinner ideas with Lefty Teacher. DA had some fairly healthy and quick meals that were for one or two people. JT Better. Now tell me something you miss about him.
RACHEL PUSHES HER CART THROUGH THE CROWDED STORE. HER POSTURE IS TIGHT AND TENSE. JT FOLLOWS AFTER HER, LETTING HER WALK IT OUT.
RACHEL Dancing.
JT Dancing? You danced just a couple of days ago.
Rachel (through gritted teeth) I miss dancing with him. I miss the way we would fall into perfect step, moving like we were meant to dance forever. I miss how it felt. I miss the way he looked at me, like I was the most wonderful person in the world. I don't know if he meant it when he said I was the best partner he'd ever had, but I know that he has been the best I have ever danced with.
Everyone else saw it to. We were magic on the floor, no matter the style. We could swing, waltz, polka, contra, probably even two step like we were born to it. I have danced since then. I have danced with some better skilled partners. However, I have yet to dance with anyone who made me feel like he did. I wonder if I ever will. JT (enclosing her into a hug) I am sorry, sweetheart. I can only imagine how much you miss that. You are right, you two were amazing dance partners. And when you want to say something mean or cruel about him, I want you to remember dancing with him. Everything else that you can doubt or wonder about, let it go. I sincerely doubt he will find someone to match you. You are amazing as a partner. You make your partner feel like Fred Astaire. If you ever doubt how DA felt about you, just remember dancing with him. RACHEL (eyes welling up) Why? Why would I want to remember something I will never have again. He was the one who ruined us.
JT (Letting her go with a squeeze) Rachel, why don't you blame his girlfriend? The last time we spoke about her you told me that if you ever saw her you'd thank her for managing what DA and you couldn't do. You told me that she seemed like a smart and accomplished woman. It sounds like you respect her.
Rachel (sniffling) I don't know if I respect her. However, I realized that everything I know about her is from DA. Given how he played me and his other girlfriend off of each other, I can only imagine that he has repeated the pattern. It's much easier to blame everything on me than to admit what he did wrong. It's easier for his current girlfriend to do the same. She can't dislike me, only the person that DA has told her exists.
JT And how did you come to this very wise conclusion, Oh Sage of the Heart?
RACHEL (slaps at his shoulder) Because I remember being young and inexperienced. I probably did the same.
JT Oh honey...
RACHEL (holding her hands up) Ok, ok, ok. I did. I have done my share of stupid.
JT I don't know if DA and you will ever be able to deal with each other again. Time is funny that way. But the cycle has to break and you are the one who has to break it.
(Rachel starts to say something)
How many break ups has DA been through?
(Rachel closes her mouth and sighs)
RACHEL A fraction of the breakups that I have been through.
JT Sweetheart, I have seen you through three marriages, multiple crushes, boyfriends, girlfriends, themfriends. Your dance card is so full during this break that you are neglecting how many people?
I don't know how DA feels about you now. What I do know is what you told me when you started seeing him. Once you figured out how inexperienced he was, you agreed that he feel under the camp rule. Leave things better than you find them. Have you done that?
RACHEL (heatedly) Do you know how many chances I gave him, how many times I forgave him? How many bleeding times I cleaned up after him? I have done my best and then some.
I need nuts, before I go fucking nuts.
RACHEL STORMS OFF AGAIN. JT LETS HER GO. SHE WALKS UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PLACING THINGS IN HER BASKET. AFTER A FEW MINUTES, JT APPROACHES HER SLOWLY.
JT Rachel?
RACHEL What!?
JT I didn't say you needed to forgive him. You were right to be honest with his mother. You shouldn't contact him again. You have done your best and honestly I think that man will realize over the next few years how much he owes you. I am sorry you will never hear him say that you to, but anyone who knows the both of you can see all you did for him.
Now there is one more thing you need to do. You have to stop the negative cycle. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. This is partially for his sake, but mostly it is for yours. I have seen how you can hold a grudge.
Look, it sucks that he invaded your happy place. A lot of what he has done sucks. However, what else does he know? Before his current girlfriend, how many friends did he have out here? Who does he have now? What does he have that's his?
Rachel, you told the director of the dance group that you would stay out of their stage area. You said it was because DA's ex girlfriend had only that area of safety, whereas you had the entire damn fair. The only time you entered that space was to tell her that DA had been loitering in the area long enough to be noticed.
RACHEL Well, yeah. That was the right thing to do. We may not like each other, but that is because DA played us off of each other. I wish we could fix it, but whatever...
JT So why can you understand that about her, but not DA?
RACHEL (squashing the box of dried cranberries she is holding) Oh fuck. Goddammit, you are right. I hate it when you are right.
JT He hurt you and it sucks. You don't owe him anything. However, you can't blame him for not understanding how a break up is supposed to work. You can't hold it against him for being a complete ass. He simply doesn't know. He had never been poly before. He had never had to deal with whatever his current girlfriend has made him feel. How could you be so understanding of everything else and not remember his inexperience now?
RACHEL But he has to learn that when he hurts someone the way he hurt me, they don't come back.
JT I think he has learned that. How many new friends did you make this season? How many people did you connect with? How many people noticed that you missed three days? How many people went out of their way to take care of you on the streets and the stage?
Do you understand that you attract people like a magnet? You move through the world with an ease that is astounding and unreal. If I hadn't seen you suffering with your anxiety, I wouldn't have a clue that you struggled.
Sure, you have lost friends and loved ones. How many people are still in your life? How many people from half a lifetime ago?
DA probably wouldn't want your social circle, but do you understand that when he lost you, he lost everything that knowing you entails. I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't gut him as deeply as it hurts you. What's even worse, you understand exactly what went awry. I bet he doesn't understand it at all. The person who could have explained it to him is so angry that all she can do is yell at him.
If I had to guess, his mother wanted to touch base with you to help him figure out what was salvageable. Maybe explain
RACHEL (getting in the checkout line) We can't be friends while he is with his current girlfriend. She won't allow it.
JT Honey, the woman obviously cares for him. You cause him pain. In her view, the best way to fix it is to take you out of the equation. If all you are is angry at him, then you are playing right into her way of thinking. Why would she support him doing something that causes him such pain?
RACHEL But...
JT Look, sweetie. There is plenty of error and wrong on his side. However, is there anything he can do to make it better?
RACHEL No, not anymore. JT So why should he bother trying?
RACHEL I've left him alone. I haven't contacted him since June. I have followed his stupid wishes.
JT For someone who is so fucking brilliant, you can be pretty dumb sometimes.
RACHEL I don't understand. He said we couldn't be friends. So, I have left him alone.
JT I don't know what DA meant or what he said. I only know this much. There is no being friends with you when you are angry at someone. In fact, when you openly dislike someone, it's hard for anyone else to be friends with them. It's like you set up a negative force field around them repelling all comers. You really don't see your own influence.
RACHEL I haven't told anyone that they can't be friends with him. I have made sure to stay fairly quiet.
JT What happened with the gal at the soap shop?
RACHEL (starts putting things on the counter for the cashier) She was a friend of a friend. My friend told her about DA and... Oh, I get it.
She might have ignored him, but because of what my friends told her, she didn't care for him and started calling him names too.
JT Precisely.
RACHEL When I name people, the name sticks.
JT What happened to the new bloke?
RACHEL I liked him, so everyone else started gigging with him, instead of just the person who brought him.
JT (nodding) Look, honey. You don't ever have to talk to DA ever again. You can hate him to your heart's content. However, you knew what you were getting into when you chose to date a man, in his late twenties, with his level of life experience.
You need to change the narrative. No more epithets. You are too clever, by half. You aren't as good as Dickens, but the names you give people tend to stay with them. If you can't say anything nice... RACHEL (paying for her purchases) ...don't say anything at all. JT (placing her bags into the cart) If I had to guess, I bet that DA never wanted to shove you out of his life. You didn't give him any choice. You are angry at him and refuse to let it go. Whatever he did wrong, it was inexperience. It's a shame he cut his emotional teeth on you. I know it hurt, however, I think you are just as much to blame.
RACHEL (giving the full cart a shove) What did I do to him?
JT You misunderstand me dear. You are right, you two needed to be parted. He was an ass. But I don't think you realize that he has been punished and then some. He lost you, maybe forever. I don't think it's what he wanted. I think that might be why he did fair. It's why I did fair, so I am biased. I think that's why you see evidence of his tracks on your writings and social media. Maybe you are wrong, I don't know. But I remember that when it was me, I knew everything I could about you. I didn't tell anyone, because I knew how it would look. I certainly didn't tell the people I was dating at the time. They wouldn't have understood. You're a hard person to get over, Rachel. However, making amends with you is a pain in the ass. It took us four years to figure our shit out. We barely talked during those years, but I kept you in my thoughts and any news or gossip I could get, I did. I don't want to think what I would have been like if there had been social media.
RACHEL (opening the back of the car) So, what should I do? JT (helping her put the groceries away) Well, post this conversation, obviously. (JT smiles)
Honestly, nothing. You can't tell DA that you have turned over a new leaf. He might want to believe you, but his girlfriend won't let him and she would be right.
Let your anger go. If there is nothing he can do to resolve this issue, then you are going to have to. It's the committment you made when you promised to leave things better than you found them.
Trust that he has learned the lesson and let him move on. More importantly, let yourself move on. You will never fix this, the problems run too deep. Maybe time will help, it did with us. Maybe it won't. Regardless, the end of the year is a good time to let bygones be bygones.
RACHEL I'll try, but I still hate you for calling me on my own shit.
JT You wouldn't have it any other way, sweetie.
JT AND RACHEL GET INTO THE CAR AND DRIVE AWAY IN THE TWILIGHT DUSK. THE SCENE FADES INTO THE WANING LIGHT. THE SONG PLAYING IS MEMORIES BY MAROON 5.
The day at fair was mostly a good one. It was wonderful to be back after missing the last three days. I knew I would be pushing myself, but I took the day nice and slow. I didn’t even have to use the walking stick.
I was reminded of why I consider fair a home and so many of these people my family. I think what really made me feel special were the people who aren’t Facebook friends, who can’t read the blog and yet who told me that I had been missed.
My Facebook friends and blog friends were extra supportive and got me through a rough patch this afternoon.
The one downside is that DA’s mother is visiting. She was at fair today and dropped by my usual haunt to say hello. I rather like DA’s mum. What I didn’t appreciate is that DA couldn’t be bothered to let me know to expect her. So, I saw her while I was on stage.
What upset me is that I told her straight out that her son and I hadn’t really spoken to each other in nearly a year by his choice. DA’s mom retorted that he had said that I was the one who cut off contact.
What. The. Fuck?
DA and I never told his mom we were dating. I understand that she doesn’t see this as a break up. However, that’s not my problem. My family did not drop in on DA when they were at fair. It is a break up and a nasty one. DA has insisted on no contact, he can bloody well explain that to his mother.
As one of my friends said, why would I expect that narcissistic fucker to be considerate?
I confronted him. Yes, I confronted him backstage. He tried to make excuses for his mother’s behavior. I told him he could have given me a heads up. I don’t think I spoke for too long and I made sure to walk away. I didn’t engage after that. I sent a telegram and an email reiterating my point. Did I need to, no. But I was not going to let this go unmentioned.
As for my anger, I just let it be. I said to myself, hey look, there’s my anger. It’s understandable and acceptable. If our positions had been reversed...well they should not have been. Actors don’t fuck with each other, they give each other support. DA was wrong, he broke his own rules after I spent the past eight weeks respecting his request for zero contact. There is no excuse.
One of my friends, who has dealt with my DA issues for far too long, suggested that I just let it go. I will never get through to DA.
I agree that I will never get through to DA. He doesn’t think his shit stinks, much less his actions. However, I have documented the event to him and my director. This is not the first email about his parents dropping in on me sans warning. If DA does fair next year, then I have an electronic paper trail that I requested a reasonable boundary which he ignored for two years running.
I hope that a year from now that such evidence won’t be necessary. I don’t understand why he didn’t just tell me his mum was visiting and wanted to say hi. It would have been simpler. I don’t mind seeing his parents, just give me a bloody heads up!
In fact, I am a horrid and petty person. I hope that it grinds DA’s girlfriend’s gears that his mother wanted to say hello to his “toxic ex”.
One more day of fair, I’m still deciding if I can go. I am glad that I have such supportive friends, I know I’ll be cared for. But yesterday took a lot out of me.
I wrote this late, so the song is what was in my head.
One of the things about being poly is balancing the differing places of a relationship. I have been with my husband for over fifteen years. My housemate (and that's complicated, so I'll just say housemate) has been living with us for nine years. Rope Guy and I have been seeing each other for over a year. Keto and I have known each other for over a year, but its a very casual relationship and I am not sure how I feel about that.
I don't tend to use hierarchical titles with my partners. If I label them at all, it's new and established. My relationship with Rope Guy is established. My relationship with Lefty Teacher is new.
My relationship with LT has been strange. It started as just a play date. That went well, so we decided to have another one. After that, LT noted that he wanted something more but that he needed some time to think and process his grief. I didn't know what to make of that, so I assumed what I normally would, that he didn't want to pursue anything with me and was trying to let me down easy.
As I mentioned previously, LT meant what he said. He needed some time to think and process his grief. We didn't seen each other, but we kept in contact with texting and phone calls. I wasn't sure what to expect when he came up for fair. What I discovered is a genuine man who seems to think very highly of me. During the weekend, we found that we have formed the beginnings of an emotional connection. This is part of what LT had to think about. He believes that he is demisexual. He really enjoyed our play dates. This has not been the case with the other dates he has been on. He realized that for whatever reason, he and I established a very quick and comfortable connection, whereas he hasn't had a similar experience with anyone else, at least so far.
I am becoming more comfortable on the phone. Rope Guy gets most of the credit for that. It's amazing how willing I am to talk on the phone if it doesn't feel like I have to spend the entire phone call defending whatever the other person thinks I have done wrong. I hadn't realized how deeply that fear had ingrained itself.
Since LT and I have a mountain between us, we have to communicate via phone and text. It was really nice to hear LT's voice. However what struck me is that when he said that he was happy to hear my voice, I believed him. When he said that he missed me, I believed him. I know that probably sounds stupid. It's not like other people don't miss me or don't enjoy talking to me. I think yesterday was the first time I heard LT. I began to understand that this person wants me in his life for exactly who I am, not because of what I might do for him.
Keto, is not an emotional guy. I know he likes me for who I am, but much of my appeal was because I was assertive enough to get his attention and smart enough to hold it. It's not an emotional connection and I doubt it ever can be. Rope Guy has had to do most of the emotional heavy lifting, so while I believe that he likes me for who I am, I believe it because of the effort he put in. I am sorry to say that RG had to prove it. I am very thankful that he was willing to put in the work.
I think what hit home for me yesterday is that LT doesn't just like me, but he also appreciates what I am right now. I told him about my concerns regarding my Hashimoto's and my recent medical issues. I noted that I worried the last thing he needed was someone who might be in and out of the hospital. He thanked me for my concern and said that it wasn't a worry. He knows that that if I am having medical issues, I have support from other people. He doesn't have to face my medical issues alone.
I guess that is when it hit me. LT likes poly me. I have dated other people and they like me. However, I have noticed that they cope by pretending that I don't have a partner and only dealing with my marriage when there is no other choice. Perhaps they like me, but they have a partner of their own, so I feel like there are lines I have to maintain so as not to interfere with their other partners. It didn't help that a previous relationship made me feel responsible for the issues and insecurities of their other partner.
One example is that I dated someone who always did their first dance with their primary partner. It didn't matter how I was feeling, what I needed, or if I came alone or with someone else. My feelings about dancing weren't their concern. The first dance is for their primary. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but it is an absolute. It meant that I didn't go to dances with this person if I knew their primary was going to be there. I was less likely to attend a dance they were going to be at if I knew that I would be alone.
I am of the opinion that the first dance goes to the person ones attends the dance with, regardless of their relationship status. In fact, I tend to be that way in my poly relationships. There are a lot of people I have been in poly relationships with, but very few made me feel that I was important to them even when they were with other people. Usually I shy away from contacting people when they are with their SOs or other partners. I am afraid of intruding. LT made it clear that if I am bothering him, it's his job to tell me, but that I shouldn't feel obligated to figure it out on my own.
Rope Guy is the same way, I don't feel second best with him either. However RG and his partner had to work for many months to get me to believe that. I spent a long time believing that my needs and wants weren't valid. I never told the person I dated that I would like to get the first dance with them. I was afraid of being told no. I was worried my request was asking too much and they would be angry. I can't think of how many times I was told that I was asking too much. If I never hear the phrase, "you aren't poly enough" again, it will be too soon.
Rope Guy and Lefty Teacher are the first people in a long while to make me feel like my wants and needs can co-exist within their lives and their other relationships. Rope Guy gets a lot of the credit for the work. but LT has done his share.
I am starting to believe that I can request things. If the person says no, it's not because someone else is more important than I am, it's because there are other factors that maybe I am not aware of or hadn't considered.
I feel like I am not explaining this very well. The long and the short of it is that I love and care for Rope Guy a great deal. I am developing feelings for Lefty Teacher. I don't feel like I am walking into a minefield and it's wonderful.
The song for the day just revealed itself in the last line for me. I think I need some Pat Benatar. The song isn't a perfect match to what I am feeling, but it works for me.
Today's Song - Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar
As I mentioned on Facebook there are trigger warnings to go with this entry. I will be discussing domestic violence, emotional abuse, and anger issues. I will also be spoiling the musical Waitress.
Disclaimer: Because many of you know my previous partners, I would like to state the following. My previous partners have engaged in counseling programs to address the issues that I am discussing. I am going out of my way not to identify any particular partner. If you have specific questions about something, please feel free to contact me directly before making assumptions about who I am talking about. I am living in a safe and sane environment. This is processing, not a request for help.
I went to see Waitress last night. I never saw the movie on which it was based and wasn't familiar with the subject matter. I went to see it because Sara Bareilles did the music. The plot, in a nutshell, is that the main character, Jenna, is in an abusive marriage and finds out she is pregnant. She ends up having an affair with her gynecologist. It was a very good play and it hit home in more ways than I could have anticipated.
None of my partners have ever struck me or were otherwise physically violent towards me. If you had asked me (and I was asked by medical professionals and friends) if I was in an abusive relationship, I would have sworn up and down that I was not. I thought that domestic violence involved hitting. One of my partners would put holes in the wall, but that was as close as I ever came to it.
My mother taught me not to abide with physical violence. My father struck me across the face, once, when I was about five. He hit me hard enough to knock my glasses off my face. I remember yelling at him that if he broke my glasses, he would be in trouble; a warning I had been given multiple times. (Self preservation was never my strong suit.) As far as I know, he had never struck my mother, although he had broken glasses and punched walls. My mother did not hesitate. She packed us up and we moved in to my grandparents house that same day. My father never hit me after that.
I did not learn this until recently; my grandparents were abusers. The year that I lived with them, my mother kept me very close and never let them touch me. As far as I recall, my grandparents never did anything to me. However, the stories of what the did to my cousins are horrible. My family is fucked up and I am still figuring out where my experiences fit in.
I understand now that abuse and domestic violence doesn't require physical expression. It starts with isolating and undermining the person. I don't believe it's deliberate or intentional. I think partner based violence is based on fear of abandonment, insecurity, and other problems that perpetuate from generation to generation. I am not saying that people aren't responsible for their actions. Children emulate their parents and the environments that they grow up in. Abuse of any sort is very difficult to solve, because it's so pernicious. I don't blame the people I have lived with any more than I blame myself for staying in those situations. However that doesn't make it easier when I see the damage those situations did to my children and to myself.
In the play, Jenna has a covert affair. I was somewhat more fortunate, I was able to escape my situations because of non-monogamy. I found the same perspective as the character in the play, but I didn't have to lie to an abusive spouse. I believe that having other people in my life is why I was able to find the courage to leave, eventually. I remember the precious nights when I was able to spend with a secondary. With one, there was a space in their apartment that I made my own. It was just a corner of their couch, near a sliding glass door. In the quiet of the morning, before I had to go to work or go back home, I could sip a cup of tea, curled up tightly in that corner. Sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would think. There were times when my secondary would find me and cuddle. I know they wanted to help and they did. But that corner was very early in our relationship and they were young at the time. It was enough that I felt safe.
Safe from what? It is hard to explain. However, watching the play last night, some of the dialogue really resonated. The abusive husband never struck his wife, although he did manhandle her and it was suggested that he did offstage. However, it was the way he undermined her self-image and her confidence cut me right to the core. Those were the lines that got me. I am not going to bother to find the quotes, because I probably didn't hear the actual lines. I heard the things that were said to me and how I responded.
I couldn't say no to a request for support. I remember one person I was with had an emotional day. I had spent the day with my mother (which is draining unto itself). My partner asked me to give them emotional support and even though I was exhausted, I dug deep and found reserves to give them. They had someone else with them, but they wanted me. I felt special. I didn't see it for what it was, which was making me responsible for their emotional stability. They would tell me that no one understood them the way I did. I spoke their language, related to them in ways that no one else ever had. If I didn't take care of them, who would?
If I tried to talk about my feelings they would shut down emotionally and refuse to talk. They would tell me that was all they could do because I was being "too intense" or not listening to their needs. I find it funny that on the one hand, I was the only person who could understand them, but then was also never able to listen to them.
There was a partner who could never admit when they had messed up. I would say, "This thing I feel hurt by..." and I would have to spend time and effort showing evidence and explaining everything in a debate format. It got to the point where I felt like my feelings didn't matter, only what I could "prove". However, if I did something wrong, I was expected to just take their word for it, no defense or explanation allowed. They're favorite trick was to shut down the conversation and refuse to engage. If I didn't comply, they would tell me I wasn't respecting boundaries. My boundaries were not respected in the same way.
I remember one partner who lied to another person they were dating. Somehow I became responsible and blameworthy for the lies and misunderstandings (and I still am.)
I don't know how many times I lived in fear of the person ending our relationship if I did something that they didn't want me to. If I didn't accept something they did, they would threaten to leave.
I had one partner have an affair with my best friend and then told me if I didn't like it, they would take my child away from me (a threat I lived with until said child turned 18).
I had a partner tell me if I continued to be friends with someone, they would end our relationship. I realized later that they were isolating me from friends and family and making me dependent on them financially and emotionally.
While I have said things happened with "one partner" honestly, those things have happened across multiple relationships. That was the thing about the play, the husband said things that I have heard so many times, I could recite along with the actors.
I remember the hardest thing about those relationships is that I was so attached to the identity of partner, helpmeet, etc. I wanted to be Mrs. Rachel ________ so damn badly. That identity as partner with someone else, as family was more important than anything that was happening to me and my children. Even though I knew in my heart that things were rotten in the state of Denmark, I explained it away:
It was just that one time.
They didn't mean the horrible things that they said.
They were doing what they thought was best for me and for us.
These are the compromises that couples make.
They had been drinking, so their behavior was understandable and they don't usually get so mean.
They have a very stressful job.
They were hurt in their last relationship, so I need to be extra careful for their sake.
We are tied up financially, I can't afford to leave.
Looking back now, I realize that I felt trapped. That corner and those small moments when I could be alone and feel safe were precious, because for a few minutes I could pretend that I wasn't unhappy.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I am not innocent. I can be manipulative and emotionally abusive. I believe that we are the villain in at least one other person's story. Cycles of abuse don't just happen because of one person. I don't intend to blame the victim. I know only my story. I thought I wasn't abused because there was never any violence. I didn't hit my partners and they didn't hit me. However I know that my negative behavior patterns have hurt my partners as much as theirs have hurt me. I think that it's easier to say "victim" and "abuser" when there is physical violence involved. There is a clear bad guy and good guy. I think those lines are harder to define when the threat of violence is emotional.
I have learned that I am wired to see some really abusive behaviors as devotion and love. I think I have it all figured out and then I fall into another relationship that is hurtful and everyone, including me, knows it. The only thing I can say is that, with a couple of exceptions, I think I am better at recognizing and getting out when a relationship is harmful.
I think that the most important thing I learned is that being Rachel is enough. I don't need to be Mrs. Anyone. If I don't feel comfortable telling my partner something because I am worried that it will upset them or in some way interfere with their world view, I know that the relationship isn't long term viable. In the case of LT, I am going to have to talk to him about my health issues. In the case of Keto, I am going to have decide if the communication issues are worth working through. Not that I think either of these relationships could become abusive, but that it's important that I don't stay in relationships built on making excuses for the other person. I can understand why LT might find my health issues difficult to deal with after losing his wife to cancer. If that is the case, then I guess we will have to decide if we want to continue any sort of relationship.
I learned that while I don't always enjoy it, I am capable of doing things on my own.
I also better understand how my friends and family felt when they saw me in a bad relationship and knew how much damage I was doing to myself and my children. It's frustrating, especially when the person is so sure that they are doing fine and refuses to listen to anyone who says otherwise. I had a friend walk away from our friendship and out of my life because things were so bad between my partner and me. It's a tough choice, but it's one that sometimes has to be made.
I will make the same promise that the above friend made me (and kept). If you want out of a bad situation, I will help you to the best of my ability. I do not care if we haven't spoken in years, I will help if I can. I won't turn you away. Just because you can do it alone doesn't mean you have to.
The song for this entry is going to be from Waitress. Why should be obvious.
Today's Song - She Used to Be Mine by Sara Bareilles
In late spring of last year, I was diagnosed with an infection. This has been happening more because Hashimoto's is an auto-immune disorder and so infections aren't just a quick fix for me. Regrettably, the drug they gave me to fight off the infection required me to suspend a number of my other medications to avoid issues. Further, the medication prescribed ruined my sleep schedule. After a weekend where I managed to piss everyone off that I communicated with, I shut down and hauled my ass into my doctor on Monday morning because I felt near psychosis.
The doctor changed my meds and I felt better with a day or two. I apologized to everyone and tried to explain. With one notable exception, everyone was very understanding and told me that they hoped I would get better soon. I didn't and that was the summer of pain and awful until s physical medicine doctor figured out what was wrong.
This past Friday I received an e-mail from my doctor. As SOP, the hospital had taken all the samples and tested them for everything but the kitchen sink. The lab was able grow a culture and it came up with the same damn infection as I had six months ago. I hadn't even noticed. I was feeling tired and unlike myself, but I chalked it up to end of the year frustrations and stress.
There was no fucking around this time. I didn't just get a different antibiotic, I got the full spectrum, kick your ass for 7 days straight, good shit. I got the stuff that makes superbugs. (I am sorry about that, but I graduated from the 'cillians a long time ago.) I also did not have suspend my regular meds, just watch the timing of when taking them carefully.
I went from feeling a bit tired and grumpy to being in pain and feeling crazy. That is how I spent my weekend. I knew better what to expect this time; so I didn't contact people or text anyone more than necessary. I left LT alone for the weekend. I knew Rope Guy wanted to see me Sunday, but I tried to wiggle out of it. I tried to leave my husband alone as much as possible.
Rope Guy was just the right amount of insistent. I couldn't deal with it, so I asked my husband to make the plans. It all worked out well. Rope Guy kept me company and we watched Wall-E together. Then RG made dinner for me and the whole family. He also poked at me about why I had been so reluctant to have him come over. This is what I came up with:
Two years ago I had trusted my boyfriend to come over when I wasn't feeling well. He had insisted even after I had said that his other partner wouldn't appreciate it. Taking care of me consisted of doing his own laundry and then leaving the next morning when his other girlfriend threatened to break up with him if he didn't show up. There was a whole lot going on behind the scenes that I didn't know about. All I know is that a person that promised I could depend on them instead abandoned me.
A year later was the bad weekend of medications. As I said, most people understood and forgave me. One person refused to do so, saying that we had fallen into a bad pattern again. This is despite the number of times I forgave them similar issues and helped them through. (For example, when they took too much pot, I sat with them in the bathroom for hours. They said some really horrible things, but I didn't take it personally.)
It’s not the fault of one person. These are things that were imprinted as I was growing up. I believe that women of a certain age were taught that we were expected to make excuses for men who were emotionally unavailable or lacked compassion. It was somehow our job to teach them them how to treat the loved ones with care. When they didn't do so, we were to blame.
I know I bought into this idea. I can’t think of how many of my former partners benefited from my ability to explain things in “engineer” speak. There are some exes who I believe owe me a debt of gratitude for putting up with their crap and teaching them how to be a partner. They wouldn't be in the successful relationships they are in now if it hadn't been for me and women like me.
But I can’t blame them; I am responsible for allowing myself to be taken advantage of. The first time someone I’m involved with fucks up, they get an explanation as to why, a chance to apologize and make it right. The second time, I’m gone. They can figure their own shit out. (This is unlikely to happen, but I can try.)
I deserve better than being abandoned or not being forgiven for a perfectly understandable set of behaviors (pattern or not).
The song for this entry was played at today’s assembly and it seemed pretty apropos.
I have a kidney infection. I don't know how I didn't notice, but I have it for over a week. My immune system barely noticed. In retrospect there were symptoms, but they were so minor that I dismissed them. Thankfully I opted to keep myself sober last week and so I didn’t do any additional damage to my kidneys.
My doctor gave me a bazooka of an antibiotic. There will be more tests and such. The infection may be the reason for my dizziness. The reason I am freaked out is because it was a kidney infection that started all of this back in May. I don’t want to be in pain like that again.
I will be making an appointment with my endocrinologist on Monday. This infection could be a blip. However, I know that Hashimoto's can cause all sorts of problems with the immune system, like the body neglecting to fight off an infection (thus no symptoms for nearly a week). My body had absolutely no reaction to the flu vaccine either.
I am not trying to borrow trouble. I have always known that my various health issues were likely to shorten my life span. I am just not looking forward to a future of feeling like this and missing the things I love doing. I don't want days like today.
I don't want to tell LT. I don't wish to lie to him, but the last thing he needs is to feel obligated to stick with someone who is ill. I haven't had the guts to talk to him about it. I mentioned that some medical stuff came up and mentioned why I had been in the hospital. He didn't seem upset by it.
I know I am not going to die (at least not right away). The antibiotic will kick in and I will feel better. I will try to pay closer attention to symptoms and not assume that aches and pains are just because I am getting older.
LT isn't stupid, he knows that anyone he gets involved with is going to be on a clock. In fact he knows that lesson more than most. At some point I want to assure him that if I get really sick or stuck in a hospital, I don't want or need him there. There are other people I can turn to.
I know that my fears are the problem and exacerbated by feeling lousy, the drop after last weekend, not seeing Rope Guy for over a week, missing a chance to see a friend today and, yes, missing fair. I wonder how many more days of fair I will end up missing?
I am especially bummed about missing today because of the song that is going to be performed tonight. It's only done once per season. So that will be the song for this entry. It's also a good reminder that I am far better off than I feel at the moment.
Today's Song - The Chemical Worker's Song (Process Man) by Great Big Sea
There are times when I feel very ashamed of my privilege. I don’t want to take it for granted. I am amazed at how much my view of money has changed in the past ten years.
I grew up poor, but not in poverty. My mom clung to the house she bought by the skin of her teeth. She scrimped and saved to keep me in a house that was in a good school district. There was always food on the table, I had clothes to wear, I had glasses and decent medical care. There wasn’t much money for extras and it was always a crap shoot if we were going to have a working car. However, other than getting a loathing for leftovers because we ate the same things over and over again, I think we did all right.
It wasn't all peaches. I remember winters where we burned newspapers for heat because wood and natural gas were too expensive. I remember working in a garage that was too hot in the summer and freezing in the winter to bag up and sort my mother’s Fuller Brush orders. I remember the winter where my mother couldn’t afford to buy me a winter coat. My mother worked 2 jobs, so I spent a lot of time alone. I knew we were poor and that most of my peers didn't go to bed alone while their mother went out to work a second job.
Until I met my current husband, that was my life. Money was always short, everyone worked too much and getting by was a constant struggle. That is just the way life was.
My current life is far different from the one I had growing up. It isn’t that money doesn’t mean anything to me, it’s just that I don’t have to worry the way I used to. I think I spoiled my children because they rarely went without the things they wanted. I can’t think of times that they didn’t have the things they needed.
I want to share my largess. I remember the friends who helped me out when I was struggling. I enjoy doing the same thing. It’s hard sometimes. There is a friend who was upset that I didn’t take them on a trip with me. I know they were just being forthright and I do appreciate that. However, it was frustrating when they noted that they hadn’t been been able to take their children on a similar trip. I retorted, not too kindly, that I hadn’t taken my children on the trip until they were much older than theirs were. I also noted that my mother had never been able to take me on a similar trip. I was defensive, guilty and angry. This was not a good combination and it has made me view this person differently. I may not have money issues now, but my views on money will always be grounded in how I was raised.
I know I am not obliged to justify what I have or how I spend it. However, I think that is an aspect of having been poor I may never overcome. I feel guilty for what I have and what others do not. The other thing that really bothers me is when people agree to share a cost with me and then decide they no longer have to because I have so much money. They seem to think that I won’t miss it. I may seem sanguine about money, trust me I still calculate costs in how much rent, car payments, or in some cases, gallons of milk a dollar amount means I can afford.
I never loan money with the expectation it will be paid back. If I can’t afford to lose the cash, I don’t lend it. If I offer to take someone on a trip or to an outing and offer to pay, then I don’t expect something in return. However, when someone agrees to share the cost of a dinner, an outing or a trip with me and then fails to pay their share, I feel taken disadvantage of. I don’t like letting my share of costs linger too long for that reason. I don't want to make people feel that way.
I made a mistake with regards to LT last weekend. I took on the total cost. He did offer to pay for some of it, but I waved it away. I didn’t want to have the money talk at that point. I am also well aware that while he isn’t hurting for money, the death of a spouse does not leave one flushed. I suggested that he pay for our next outing. I am still feeling unsettled about it and I think I know why.
I learned that when it comes to money between romantic partners I need to be careful. I have learned to have the money talk early into a relationship so that the expectations are clear. During the relationship hasn’t been a problem, but trying to resolve money issues while a relationship is falling apart does not work.
Part of growing up poor for me was never wanting to be in someone’s debt. If someone loans me money or pays for me, I want to clear the balance as soon as possible. When I have ended relationships I try to make sure that I return all the things that are expected and make sure that all the debts between us are square. I am sure I owe some people money to this day, but I have tried.
A relationship that I was in ended badly. One of the things that was never discussed were the remaining debts between us. I assumed (and yes I know who that makes an ass of) that we would sit down and work it out. I didn’t worry about it when we broke up because this person had always been careful and considerate about money.
Like every other way they have shown that they think I am worthless, the debts between us seem meaningless to them. I could articulate how much I think they owe me. It doesn’t matter; I could claim it is $10 or $1000, I will never be able to discuss it with them, much less see any of the money repaid. It’s just one more reason that I have lost so much respect for this person. The one time we discussed money, they were defensive and angry, like I had done something wrong by not sending them an itemized bill 30 days after our break up. How dare I wait until we would be ready to have a civil conversation? (Oh, right, I expected them to be an adult and have a civil conversation with me, that was foolish.)
I am not happy that the parsimonious actions of an ex has made me overly concerned about money. I found another button last weekend and it’s one I feel that LT will have trouble understanding. I believe I will have to figure out how to accommodate my distrust and anger regarding money without it impacting him. I am not as worried about Keto or Rope Guy, we seem to have found a good balance with regards to sharing expenses. I think that is why this hasn’t come up until now. I was never in a position where the balance was so much on my side of the ledger.
I think LT values me as a person and I think he is uncomfortable with the unequal spending between us. But there is doubt. I never thought that my ex would leave me about 4 figures in the lurch. (As a note, I am including every damn penny I can think of because fuck it, I am pissed and I feel used. I will charge him for using my damn washing machine if I feel like it.)
The song for this entry isn’t quite appropriate, but sometimes the classics are the best. I grew up with it and it still applies, although much less so.
I am not a detail oriented person. Whether it be in gaming, acting, education, or just in my life, I tend to take the broad view of things. I feel that I can usually assess whether I like choice A or choice B, but breaking it down and telling you why with evidence is not one of my strengths.
My district is in the midst of a book adoption, which has been really interesting. I liked both of our choices. Making a final decision required going through the books step by step to figure out which book I would prefer to teach with. We had a detailed rubric to work through. It was fascinating to see how other people went through the process since we spent the entire day together. While I love being in the classroom, curriculum development is one of my favorite aspects of being an educator.
This orientation toward detail is something I have always struggled with. As someone with ADHD I can hyper-focus on some small aspect and lose sight of the overall picture. As an example, instead of just writing and then editing, I will edit as I go and never finish what I am writing.
Due to the past few years, I have been noticing some trends and while I can look at the overall picture and say this trend is good and this trend is bad, I am not sure exactly why. I don't want to put together a relationship rubric, but I want to start looking at some things I feel I need to improve upon. This is my tentative plan for the new year.
I feel I need to prioritize my family and friendships over my romantic entanglements.
I believe that I need to establish better boundaries in my relationships (romantic or otherwise).
I would like to improve my communication skills.
I feel I need to get a routine of activities that I do on a regular basis.
When I meet someone new (friend, romantic, professional, or a combination) I tend to give myself an initial assessment. I have found that my first impressions of people are fairly accurate. Things can change overtime, but I am really a gut level person.
As an example, after my first date with DA I came home and told my husband that I was in trouble. I knew that I was going to get emotionally fucked over. I couldn't have told you how I was going to get damaged, but I knew it was going to happen. I couldn't have told you why I went forward with the relationship, even though I knew it was going to hurt like hell. I can barely tell you why I feel that it was probably an experience I needed to have.
When I came home after my first date with RG I told my husband that I thought that this person was going to become someone significant. When I came home from my first date with LT, I told my husband that while I knew that there were going to be obstacles, I felt that he would be worth the effort. My husband agreed and then he reminded me that I had warned him about DA This got me thinking
about what is different in my successive (and thus far, more successful)
relationships.
What was it about DA that made me go against my own intuition? Why, despite repeatedly complaining about the same problems, did I keep making excuses? It's not my intention to go over my relationship with DA. I am trying to figure out what details I missed about myself that made me blind to how miserable I was (we both were, probably). I understood the relationship was a bad idea, but I decided to pursue it to the point of toxicity. I think that had I paid more attention to the details, I would have considered differently and acted for my own benefit.
DA isn't the first time I have been relationship stupid. I have ignored friendships that were one-sided and certainly have had some ongoing communication problems. I figure that I am probably going to be fairly relationship shy for a while. I feel that there was nearly six years between my last relationship stupid and DA, so I probably have some time to figure this out. I know that I was getting something from my relationship with DA that was very important to me. There was an emotional connection that was otherwise lacking when I met him. I feel that I have already gotten better about making connections with the people (friends and otherwise) who are in my life.
In many ways, I feel like my relationship with DA was a huge step backwards. I don't want to repeat that mistake. I don't want to be so desperate for something that I am willing to accept a relationship that many people (including my husband) felt was incredibly one-sided.
I know DA isn't invited to read these posts so this isn't for his sake, but for mine. I feel I should be very clear. I don't blame DA for the problems I brought into the relationship. I brought some, he pointed them out and I didn't fix them. I'm not saying that DA didn't contribute to our bad relationship with his own problems and his own drama, but no one person is entirely to blame.
I have had relationships end badly. I am sure I will have future relationships end badly. However, I never want to feel the level of rejection that I allowed DA to hit me with. Yes, he avoids me at fair, but it's almost a joke, because it just lets him off the hook. Yes, it is overall better and I should have asked for it last year. However, it still makes me like I wasted nearly four years of my life. Every time he avoids me or can't make eye contact is just another reminder of how little I ended up mattering to someone that I have had to force myself to stop caring about. I guess that's my problem, but it's never one I have recognized before. I will be damned before I knowingly go through this with someone else.
RG and LT are wonderful and lovely people, but I won't deny that part of the attraction is that I doubt that I would have to deal with them if or when we break up. They don't live with my friends. They both seem like they wouldn't remain involved with my hobbies if they were unable to be a considerate ex.
I know that people think that DA has been a perfectly acceptable ex. I disagree, but I have the example from others in the dance and fair community. Friendship is never expected, but a certain level of civil discourse and respect is. When it is not, I have seen how harsh the recriminations can be. Heaven knows that I have been subject to them for four bloody years and no one can tell me exactly what I did wrong. It seems to be that I had the temerity to take someone at his word when he encouraged me to date his ex (which he told me was a friend).
This entry wasn't supposed to be about DA, I guess it is. Well, fuck me over...again. At least it's only two more weekends. After that, I really hope he moves or finds a better hobby he can share with his current partner, because I don't want another year of this crap. I doubt I am the only one who wishes that narcissistic fucker would quit the hobby that we introduced him into because we cared about him, but I can't ask.
I apologize, I meant to keep this positive but I have failed. As I have written before, if I end up writing shit, I will leave it straight up. Hiding my feelings hasn't gotten me anywhere. At least if I am venting here I am less likely to make a public scene. I will make the song for this entry proactive, since it seems I need it. If you see me check my nails and toss my hair in the next few days, you will know why. Who wants to share some tequila (or rum, or gin)?
As I was walking back from the final show of fair, I was singing. "I'm a Believer". I wasn't humming or singing it softly, I was full on belting it out as I walked back to the dressing area of my fair group. I can't remember the last time I sang like that, sang without care for how I sounded, just sang because I was happy.
That's a huge turn around from my last entry, I'm well aware.
Let's break that down a bit. I didn't just face the possibility of my untimely demise, but also that I have been carrying a lot of fear about losing my faculties and that my behavior of the past few months was the result. One of the reasons I am relieved is because those fears were addressed in the days following my overnight in the hospital.
Medically speaking I am in good health for a woman my age with my medical conditions. The MRI and contrast CT scan show no degradation in the vascular system of my brain. I might not have been in the best mental state last summer, but I am beginning to understand that I was not entirely at fault and that I have been looking at some things from the wrong perspective.
With that quote in mind, this is what happened over the past weekend. Lefty Teacher (LT) met me Friday evening with the intention of going to fair on Saturday. (We were originally supposed to meet on Saturday, but due to the
hospital stay, it was thought best that I drive as little as possible,
so I had a hotel room for the weekend.) I am happy to say that despite the months apart, we were able to pick up where we left off without much awkwardness. We have discussed that intimacy may bring up some emotions and when it happens we look at the feelings and say, "hey look, feelings." When said emotions came up on Friday night, we joked about oxytocin and enjoyed the hormone high until we went to sleep.
On Saturday morning, there was a point when LT just looked at me and sighed in that way. Then he grabbed my hand, held it and made eye contact. I promptly melted. Those are still chemical feelings, but of a different sort. It's more than just chemistry. We tend to express things to each other in songs, so I noted that I was feeling like the song "I'm a Believer..." which I had heard right before I had seen him the day before. I shit you not as we walked into the breakfast buffet, "I'm a Believer" by Smashmouth was playing. We shrugged at each other and said, "I guess we have a song now."
I showed LT around fair and introduced him to anyone who would stand still long enough. We danced, we sang, and he watched the little bits I do throughout the day. I know he is a keeper because not only does he like Edgar Allen Poe, but we share the same favorite Poe poem. We both really enjoyed watching the actor who plays Poe at fair do his thing. All in all, it was just a fun day; there was no stress and no worry. I cannot remember the last time I felt so carefree while at fair!
Spending a good part of the weekend with LT has given me a great deal to think about and process. I believe I have mentioned that LT recently lost his partner of over twenty years. This is part of the reason we've been treading so carefully and that I have been so willing to let him set the pace. While I am not known for my patience, that's the price of admission for LT. I also knew that his experience with relationships was limited, because his partner was his first and so far, last long term relationship. In fact, I have been hesitant to talk about my relationship woes with LT because they felt so trivial in comparison to losing a life partner to cancer.
I was on stage at fair with one of the blokes from another cast (the one I took a shine to last week.) He was a sweetheart. He went out of his way to make LT feel welcome. Later on Bloke and I were chatting while LT was wandering around a bit. Bloke and I ended up discussing growing and maturing. We talked about how going through relationships, breaking up, and finding out who we become afterward are really important parts of our emotional growth process. I know that LT loved his partner. Due to many circumstances, they were his first and so far only partner. Bloke went through something similar, because he married his high school sweetheart.
After twenty years, LT had begun to realize that what he and his partner had together was not the relationship he desired. Before the two of them could address the issue, his partner got cancer. It dawned on me that LT has never gone through a break up; a process I have been through so many times that I take it for granted. Bloke and I were comparing how difficult a break up can be and LT just did not have a perspective.
I can't imagine going through the death of a partner and experiencing the loss of relationship for the first time simultaneously. I understood that I had the wrong point of view. My experience with break ups is something that I absolutely need to share with LT. After fair we discussed a bit about why relationships sometimes have to end or change. We discussed the work he has been doing and I realized that a lot of the work he was doing was not just processing his partner's death, but also he's been working on the person he hopes to be now that he was starting a new chapter. He is figuring out, for the first time, what sort of partner he wants to be and what sorts of relationships he is interested in.
LT is not making the same mistake I did for many years. I would be in a relationship, I'd meet someone new and I would transition to the next one. My mother called it always having someone in the bull pen. The problem is that I was jumping from relationship to relationship so quickly that I wasn't going through the growth process. While I do think I learned from the mistakes I made in my first marriage and didn't make them in my second, I wasn't growing either. My emotional maturity was really lacking in many ways. It wasn't until I left my second marriage that I started looking at who I wanted to be, what sorts of relationships I wanted to be in and where I wanted to go. One of the important realizations is that I needed friends and needed to cultivate my social support network.
I know that DA (which stands for Darth Auxiliary, not DumbAss as some of you asked) is relatively inexperienced with relationships. I don't know his truth, I only know what I can see from my side and talking to Bloke and LT gave me some perspective about what I have gone through. I think (and others have said) that DA is so afraid of being the bad guy and saying something that the other person may not like or find hurtful that being a jackass and driving the person away ends up being his only path out of a bad relationship. The more accommodating I was, trying to transition us to the next logical stage of our relationship, the more of an ass DA had to be. I was just too stupid and stubborn to get the hint and leave.
Is that the truth? I don't know. What I do know is that I feel I can trust nearly everything LT says. It is one of the best thing about him. He doesn't say what he thinks people want to hear. I was on stage when it hit me like a ton of bricks that he means what he says. LT stated that he really likes me but he needed time and space to figure some shit out and work on himself. He wasn't politely telling me to go away and hoping I would get the clue. He was telling me that he really likes me but needed time and space. The smile that LT had when he hugged me after the final show of the day expressed so much
acceptance and enjoyment that it blew me away. I couldn't help but sing as I walked
backstage.
I have spent the past four years trying to translate, interpret and anticipate someone who couldn't declare a straight sentence if his life depended on it. It's not that I think that DA is a wretched liar. I know full well that he believes he's speaking the truth. That's the pity of it all, what he says is true. What turns the words into a lie is the intent behind them. DA says things that he hopes will make the person hearing them happy. That works fine until there is more than one person. This is why I believe that LT, who is as much as a maladroit as DA, has a deep and supportive social group. When I was dating DA, he only had me and the other person he was dating. One of us was always unhappy with him, because his system did not work.
There are many reasons I put up with the dynamic between DA and me for so long. I feel that growing up with a father who operated the same way probably has a lot to do with it. That quote from Star Wars really resonates for that reason. I believe that my father always spoke the truth when he was talking. The fact that it wasn't true later was beyond him, he clung to the fact that he spoke the truth originally. However, my dad could only make one person happy and I wasn't the person he chose and nothing I did changed that.
I have come to believe that I was not the person that DA was lying to. I am sure that DA believes that he is telling the truth, just from a certain point of view. I also think it's about as shitty as an excuse as when Obi Wan explained to Luke why he didn't straight up tell him that Anakin and Darth Vader were the same person. Why tell the truth today when you can obfuscate and then retcon it away later?
I have watched LT discuss his loss, his process and his grief openly and honestly. He doesn't avoid conflict. He doesn't use words to get him what he wants without him having to directly ask for it (and thus face potential rejection.) I saw LT communicate this way with strangers and I saw him do it with me. When I remarked on it, he noted that when you and someone you love are counting the days until one of you dies, a lot of the bullshit gets put aside. He realizes that it should be that way with everyone.
I will be lucky if I ever can be half as honest and genuine as LT is. However I made a start this morning. I asked for something I wanted, directly and honestly. I accepted that no was a potential answer that that it wasn't a rejection. LT had already proven that to me. He had already put himself on the line, asking things of me and accepting no as an acceptable answer. The best words I have heard recently are, "If you say no, that's ok, I have other people to ask." DA always told me that no was an acceptable answer for him to give me. I don't think he ever quite understood that when I told him no, I felt that I was the only person he could ask. It's one of the reasons that when he asked me for things last year, I acquiesced, who else could he ask?
One of the things that LT commented about as we were walking around fair was the number of people who came up to me and asked me if I was all right. He said that what made getting through the death of his partner possible was the network of friends and family he had to fall back on. He was glad to observe that I had the same. I know that I have been whining and bitching on this blog for months and months. I may not say it often, but those of you who read, who comment, who just accept me when you see me, you make my life wonderful. Thank you!
I have unpacked, learned and figured out so many things. Yes, I was singing "I'm a Believer" because of LT, but I'm a believer because of the friends and loved ones I have in my life. DA proved to me that I could lose one person and still have sunshine in my life. LT couldn't be in my life if I didn't already have friends and family. LT and I both know and accept that it's all right to say something that will make the other person unhappy because we can always ask someone else.
You all know what's the song for this entry is going to be, yes?
