My father started losing cognitive function before he was 50. He was in a nasty car accident when he was 54 and I suspect that it was caused by a stroke.
By the time my father was 68 he was in a wheelchair and could no longer talk. He recognized me, but I’m not sure what else he knew. I’m scared that is what the next 20 years may bring.
A few months ago I was in a lot of pain. I was upset and I foolishly expressed my feelings honestly and without filters to someone I thought would understand. I let my defenses down and emotionally bled all over an email.
When I realized what I had done, I apologized and tried to explain. The person on the receiving end told me that it was a recurring negative pattern and that they could no longer consider me a friend.
I have some very strong feelings about their reaction. I think that given all I had put up with from and have gone through for this person, it was a shifty thing for them to do. I think their timing was even shittier. Obviously I am biased. I am sure they could tell people how their actions were justifiable and reasonable.
I’ll be honest, my actions toward this person scared the shit out of me. I said horrid and hurtful things. I lost control. I let my guard down. The thing that scares me is that I didn’t know how much I was hurting them. I just didn’t realize. I thought I was expressing useful and relevant information.
This is just one person and it was someone with whom open and honest communication was no longer possible. In retrospect, I still have to wonder if my behavior was indicative of a larger problem.
One of my biggest fears is losing control. I’m scared of losing my faculties. I’m scared that I will say or do something and people will reject me. Being blunt about thoughts and feelings is often where brain damage manifests. What if that person was right and there really was a pattern? What if I’m only going to get worse?
My lizard brain doesn’t care about all the rational and logical reasons that what happened was not how a friend treats another. All my hypothalamus cares about is that I lost control and I was rejected.
I held onto control today. I think the nurses noticed. My blood pressure didn’t really go down until everyone left me alone. I didn’t start whining about being hungry or cold until I was all alone.
I’m all alone now and I finally feel like I can cry. Maybe I had a goddamned stroke at 48 and I’m in better health than my father was at my age. What does this mean for my job? What about fair?
But if I tell anyone, if I lose control, I’ll be rejected. I know because it has already happened, more than once.
I know I’m in a negative space: I haven’t eaten in hours and it’s too late to get dinner. I’m tired and it’s been a really stressful day. I’m still being poked and prodded.
But fuck me if I am going to tell anyone how I feel. That’s a great way to have someone you thought cared tell you that you could fuck off and die for all they care. But hey, they hope you can be friendly when you run into each other.
I probably shouldn’t even post this, because even on this blog I’m supposed to keep control. No names, no identifying details, because that’s how it’s supposed to be. (You know, unless you’re a male between 18-49. The rules are different if you have a penis or present like you do.)
Yes, I’m being bitter. If I can’t be bitter here, where can I?
The song for this entry seemed fairly obvious.
Today’s Song - Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds
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