I grew up poor, but not in poverty. My mom clung to the house she bought by the skin of her teeth. She scrimped and saved to keep me in a house that was in a good school district. There was always food on the table, I had clothes to wear, I had glasses and decent medical care. There wasn’t much money for extras and it was always a crap shoot if we were going to have a working car. However, other than getting a loathing for leftovers because we ate the same things over and over again, I think we did all right.
It wasn't all peaches. I remember winters where we burned newspapers for heat because wood and natural gas were too expensive. I remember working in a garage that was too hot in the summer and freezing in the winter to bag up and sort my mother’s Fuller Brush orders. I remember the winter where my mother couldn’t afford to buy me a winter coat. My mother worked 2 jobs, so I spent a lot of time alone. I knew we were poor and that most of my peers didn't go to bed alone while their mother went out to work a second job.
Until I met my current husband, that was my life. Money was always short, everyone worked too much and getting by was a constant struggle. That is just the way life was.
My current life is far different from the one I had growing up. It isn’t that money doesn’t mean anything to me, it’s just that I don’t have to worry the way I used to. I think I spoiled my children because they rarely went without the things they wanted. I can’t think of times that they didn’t have the things they needed.
I want to share my largess. I remember the friends who helped me out when I was struggling. I enjoy doing the same thing. It’s hard sometimes. There is a friend who was upset that I didn’t take them on a trip with me. I know they were just being forthright and I do appreciate that. However, it was frustrating when they noted that they hadn’t been been able to take their children on a similar trip. I retorted, not too kindly, that I hadn’t taken my children on the trip until they were much older than theirs were. I also noted that my mother had never been able to take me on a similar trip. I was defensive, guilty and angry. This was not a good combination and it has made me view this person differently. I may not have money issues now, but my views on money will always be grounded in how I was raised.
I know I am not obliged to justify what I have or how I spend it. However, I think that is an aspect of having been poor I may never overcome. I feel guilty for what I have and what others do not. The other thing that really bothers me is when people agree to share a cost with me and then decide they no longer have to because I have so much money. They seem to think that I won’t miss it. I may seem sanguine about money, trust me I still calculate costs in how much rent, car payments, or in some cases, gallons of milk a dollar amount means I can afford.
I never loan money with the expectation it will be paid back. If I can’t afford to lose the cash, I don’t lend it. If I offer to take someone on a trip or to an outing and offer to pay, then I don’t expect something in return. However, when someone agrees to share the cost of a dinner, an outing or a trip with me and then fails to pay their share, I feel taken disadvantage of. I don’t like letting my share of costs linger too long for that reason. I don't want to make people feel that way.
I made a mistake with regards to LT last weekend. I took on the total cost. He did offer to pay for some of it, but I waved it away. I didn’t want to have the money talk at that point. I am also well aware that while he isn’t hurting for money, the death of a spouse does not leave one flushed. I suggested that he pay for our next outing. I am still feeling unsettled about it and I think I know why.
I learned that when it comes to money between romantic partners I need to be careful. I have learned to have the money talk early into a relationship so that the expectations are clear. During the relationship hasn’t been a problem, but trying to resolve money issues while a relationship is falling apart does not work.
Part of growing up poor for me was never wanting to be in someone’s debt. If someone loans me money or pays for me, I want to clear the balance as soon as possible. When I have ended relationships I try to make sure that I return all the things that are expected and make sure that all the debts between us are square. I am sure I owe some people money to this day, but I have tried.
A relationship that I was in ended badly. One of the things that was never discussed were the remaining debts between us. I assumed (and yes I know who that makes an ass of) that we would sit down and work it out. I didn’t worry about it when we broke up because this person had always been careful and considerate about money.
Like every other way they have shown that they think I am worthless, the debts between us seem meaningless to them. I could articulate how much I think they owe me. It doesn’t matter; I could claim it is $10 or $1000, I will never be able to discuss it with them, much less see any of the money repaid. It’s just one more reason that I have lost so much respect for this person. The one time we discussed money, they were defensive and angry, like I had done something wrong by not sending them an itemized bill 30 days after our break up. How dare I wait until we would be ready to have a civil conversation? (Oh, right, I expected them to be an adult and have a civil conversation with me, that was foolish.)
I am not happy that the parsimonious actions of an ex has made me overly concerned about money. I found another button last weekend and it’s one I feel that LT will have trouble understanding. I believe I will have to figure out how to accommodate my distrust and anger regarding money without it impacting him. I am not as worried about Keto or Rope Guy, we seem to have found a good balance with regards to sharing expenses. I think that is why this hasn’t come up until now. I was never in a position where the balance was so much on my side of the ledger.
I think LT values me as a person and I think he is uncomfortable with the unequal spending between us. But there is doubt. I never thought that my ex would leave me about 4 figures in the lurch. (As a note, I am including every damn penny I can think of because fuck it, I am pissed and I feel used. I will charge him for using my damn washing machine if I feel like it.)
The song for this entry isn’t quite appropriate, but sometimes the classics are the best. I grew up with it and it still applies, although much less so.
Today’s Song - Money, Money, Money by Abba
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