My district is in the midst of a book adoption, which has been really interesting. I liked both of our choices. Making a final decision required going through the books step by step to figure out which book I would prefer to teach with. We had a detailed rubric to work through. It was fascinating to see how other people went through the process since we spent the entire day together. While I love being in the classroom, curriculum development is one of my favorite aspects of being an educator.
This orientation toward detail is something I have always struggled with. As someone with ADHD I can hyper-focus on some small aspect and lose sight of the overall picture. As an example, instead of just writing and then editing, I will edit as I go and never finish what I am writing.
Due to the past few years, I have been noticing some trends and while I can look at the overall picture and say this trend is good and this trend is bad, I am not sure exactly why. I don't want to put together a relationship rubric, but I want to start looking at some things I feel I need to improve upon. This is my tentative plan for the new year.
- I feel I need to prioritize my family and friendships over my romantic entanglements.
- I believe that I need to establish better boundaries in my relationships (romantic or otherwise).
- I would like to improve my communication skills.
- I feel I need to get a routine of activities that I do on a regular basis.
As an example, after my first date with DA I came home and told my husband that I was in trouble. I knew that I was going to get emotionally fucked over. I couldn't have told you how I was going to get damaged, but I knew it was going to happen. I couldn't have told you why I went forward with the relationship, even though I knew it was going to hurt like hell. I can barely tell you why I feel that it was probably an experience I needed to have.
When I came home after my first date with RG I told my husband that I thought that this person was going to become someone significant. When I came home from my first date with LT, I told my husband that while I knew that there were going to be obstacles, I felt that he would be worth the effort. My husband agreed and then he reminded me that I had warned him about DA This got me thinking about what is different in my successive (and thus far, more successful) relationships.
What was it about DA that made me go against my own intuition? Why, despite repeatedly complaining about the same problems, did I keep making excuses? It's not my intention to go over my relationship with DA. I am trying to figure out what details I missed about myself that made me blind to how miserable I was (we both were, probably). I understood the relationship was a bad idea, but I decided to pursue it to the point of toxicity. I think that had I paid more attention to the details, I would have considered differently and acted for my own benefit.
DA isn't the first time I have been relationship stupid. I have ignored friendships that were one-sided and certainly have had some ongoing communication problems. I figure that I am probably going to be fairly relationship shy for a while. I feel that there was nearly six years between my last relationship stupid and DA, so I probably have some time to figure this out. I know that I was getting something from my relationship with DA that was very important to me. There was an emotional connection that was otherwise lacking when I met him. I feel that I have already gotten better about making connections with the people (friends and otherwise) who are in my life.
In many ways, I feel like my relationship with DA was a huge step backwards. I don't want to repeat that mistake. I don't want to be so desperate for something that I am willing to accept a relationship that many people (including my husband) felt was incredibly one-sided.
I know DA isn't invited to read these posts so this isn't for his sake, but for mine. I feel I should be very clear. I don't blame DA for the problems I brought into the relationship. I brought some, he pointed them out and I didn't fix them. I'm not saying that DA didn't contribute to our bad relationship with his own problems and his own drama, but no one person is entirely to blame.
I have had relationships end badly. I am sure I will have future relationships end badly. However, I never want to feel the level of rejection that I allowed DA to hit me with. Yes, he avoids me at fair, but it's almost a joke, because it just lets him off the hook. Yes, it is overall better and I should have asked for it last year. However, it still makes me like I wasted nearly four years of my life. Every time he avoids me or can't make eye contact is just another reminder of how little I ended up mattering to someone that I have had to force myself to stop caring about. I guess that's my problem, but it's never one I have recognized before. I will be damned before I knowingly go through this with someone else.
RG and LT are wonderful and lovely people, but I won't deny that part of the attraction is that I doubt that I would have to deal with them if or when we break up. They don't live with my friends. They both seem like they wouldn't remain involved with my hobbies if they were unable to be a considerate ex.
I know that people think that DA has been a perfectly acceptable ex. I disagree, but I have the example from others in the dance and fair community. Friendship is never expected, but a certain level of civil discourse and respect is. When it is not, I have seen how harsh the recriminations can be. Heaven knows that I have been subject to them for four bloody years and no one can tell me exactly what I did wrong. It seems to be that I had the temerity to take someone at his word when he encouraged me to date his ex (which he told me was a friend).
This entry wasn't supposed to be about DA, I guess it is. Well, fuck me over...again. At least it's only two more weekends. After that, I really hope he moves or finds a better hobby he can share with his current partner, because I don't want another year of this crap. I doubt I am the only one who wishes that narcissistic fucker would quit the hobby that we introduced him into because we cared about him, but I can't ask.
I apologize, I meant to keep this positive but I have failed. As I have written before, if I end up writing shit, I will leave it straight up. Hiding my feelings hasn't gotten me anywhere. At least if I am venting here I am less likely to make a public scene. I will make the song for this entry proactive, since it seems I need it. If you see me check my nails and toss my hair in the next few days, you will know why. Who wants to share some tequila (or rum, or gin)?
Today's Song- Good as Hell by Lizzo
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