"Down is the only way out..."

I guess I don't need to come up with a name for Lawyer guy. He decided we shouldn't see each other anymore. He made some mistakes and so instead of, I don't know, talking to me about them, he wrote me an email in which he politely told me that while he likes me, he doesn't feel that he can meet my needs. According to his message, he did me a kindness because he didn't ghost.

I guess I must be some horrible ogre because that has been the theme for the week. I think I am telling people what I want. I think I am trying to get my needs met by the people in my life through direct and clear communication. Apparently my needs are overwhelming, I am too demanding and I expect too much.

I don't have any pithy therapy to work on this one. I give up. I can't stand being told that I am untrustworthy and that my needs are too much. I am just going to stop asking, it's easier than the parade of "No" that this week has become.

The flip side is that yesterday and today has also been a stream of commentary about everything I am not doing and all the people I am letting down. So not only am I am needy and desperate ogre, but I am an unreliable one.

I have therapy this afternoon, maybe my therapist will have a better suggestion than crawling back into bed and never coming back out. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that, so instead I am at work and trying to keep myself from crying. I feel so damn alone. I am not sure how I am supposed to do my job.

I am not sure how I am supposed to do anything.

"Now I get what I want..."

Today is fighting doubt and regret. Was I too reactive? (Yes!) Am I wrong? (No.)

Today I have to remind myself that expecting rational actions from two irrational actors with differing goals makes for a great philosophical puzzle; but it's lousy in a relationship. A loving relationship should not be this fraught with conflict and confusion. So, this is not a relationship to have in my life. It's ok to give it up and it's ok to regret that I see no other alternative.

So what do I have? This is called a personal inventory and while it feels self congratulatory to do this, my therapist said it's important.

So the easy stuff, I'm financially comfortable. I have a career and my children have survived to adulthood. My husband is a caring and loving man.

 I'm surrounded by friends. I spent time with people I've only known for a few weeks and with people I've known for 20+ years. I have had people make a considered effort to spend time with me. I've had multiple offers of support, help and many cheerleaders.

It's easy to fall into negative patterns, especially when I let wanting something I can't have consume me and prevent me from seeing all the gifts I've been given.

I ran into an ex yesterday. It was very amicable and I enjoyed talking to him. I related some of the recent events and he reminded me of something I didn't want to be told, but needed to hear: nothing is less attractive than desperation. If a relationship is making me feel desperate, get the hell out. While this is true of romantic relationships, it's true in my professional and personal life.

I just need to stop apologizing for who and what I am. People are lucky to have me in their lives. The ones who are happier without me, more power to them. I'm better off sticking to the people who want me for who and what I am. So that's the new mantra: I'm only staying when and where I get an enthusiastic yes. Hopefully it sticks.

"Or should I go?"

Yesterday was pretty bad. It's a reminder that I have a mental health issue and like my diabetes, it takes monitoring. I wish that I had a monitor for my depression and anxiety like I do for my blood sugar. However, as whiny as this blog has been, writing has been a helpful measure of my anxiety and depression. I'm not going to be ashamed of a post like yesterday any more than I would be ashamed of high glucose level. It's not a reflection on me, it's a call to action.

So a little cognitive behavioral therapy needed to be applied. I got a manicure and pedicure. Taking care of myself and even indulging was really helpful. It unwound the depressive spiral and I have pretty fingers and toes. I reached out to my friends and was reassured that my pathetic ass was more than welcome. They told me haul said pathetic ass to the party.

Then I reframed yesterday's interaction with Benjamin. (Who else could have thrown me in such a tailspin?)

One of the things that has been really difficult is that I knew Benjamin wanted me in his life. I can walk away from where I'm clearly not wanted. It's not easy, but I can do it. It's much harder to disengage when the person does want me around. Until yesterday, I thought the question was not if we would resume our relationship, but when. (My brain is stupid, I admit this.)

We have been having the same fight since September and I finally got it through my thick skull that that I'm not the problem. It is not a matter of me not being sufficiently poly or being too jealous or my anger or anything that I'm doing wrong. The problem is that Benjamin wants a relationship with Becca and me. I've done somersaults and cartwheels trying to accommodate whatever relationship they decide upon. But the relationship between the two of them does not include a place for me.  I'm doing all the work. I doubt their current relationship has room for Benjamin to pursue anything (but that's a judgement call and not part of my process, sorry).

Benjamin and I had some good interactions in the past few days. Benjamin related that Becca had a problem with that.  She joked that while she had no reason to be territorial (their relationship is complicated and supposedly not a romantic one), Becca views Benjamin as her territory. While he might disagree vehemently, I feel that our relationship has suffered since Becca staked her claim. The more I let Becca's jest run through my mind, it was easier to reframe my feelings about my relationship to him. He made his choice and it's whatever that he gets from Becca. It is more important to him than whatever we had. We wouldn't be fighting about the nature of our relationship if it truly mattered to us both.

I tried playing by the rules, allowing them to develop their relationship without interference. I never asked him to give Becca up and I never referred to him as territory. I started interacting with Benjamin again because I thought there was a place for me. Maybe there is, but it's not a place I want.   I wish it were otherwise, but spending time with Benjamin was like watching a lion in a cage. I could see the beauty and potential, but it's locked away and it's beyond me to open the door or truly know it.  
Benjamin, like that caged lion, is simply beyond my reach.

I realized last night that I feel pity. I think I have a pretty good idea what the likely result of leaving Benjamin in a cage will be. It's not my problem. From now on he is just a some asshole who left me for someone else. 

There aren't many ties to cut with Benjamin, but I cut those I have. The less I have to see him the better. It's getting easier. I'm hoping the reframe will give me a better script. "It's not me, it's not about me and nothing I do will change things."

My weekend is full of people and activities. I won't beat myself up for being stupid. In education a lesson is taught as many times as it needs to be learned. I will learn this lesson, that no matter how badly I might want something, I cannot sacrifice who I am.

Maybe this time the lesson will stick.

"I'm all right, I'm all right; it only hurts when I breathe.."

I just got the emotional shit kicked out of me. I felt it hit. It's like my blood sugar dropped out from under me and put me into free fall. I feel like I can't breathe.

It's my own fault. I told someone how I actually felt, because I thought they would care. I thought they would say, "Wow, you poor thing. I know this has been hard on you. I think I can offer you some comfort and care."

I didn't think they would tell me to just make do and hope for the best (i.e. go fuck off). I guess I should have known better. I guess I should have known better than to reach out in honest need to that person.

I am shaking my head wondering why I am so stupid. Why I thought it would be different this fucking time, when I've been told how much I don't matter so many other times. I guess I thought...well it doesn't matter.

I am supposed to go to a party tonight. I don't think I can go. The go fuck yourself was just the worst possible thing and the worst possible moment. I just want to curl up in a ball and make the pain stop.

I am so fucking tired of this. I wish I just didn't feel. I wish I didn't keep reaching out in the wrong direction. I wish that this didn't hurt. I wish I weren't at my fucking job, crying like a damn fool. I wish one of my colleagues hadn't seen me sobbing.

I wish I had never asked for help.

'You'll think "how did I get here, sitting next to you?"'

I don't know if I want to be a teacher anymore.

The past couple of days have been really difficult. I usually bounce out of bed in the morning and while I have an alarm, it's more of a reminder. Since I returned to work, getting up and going has been more and more difficult.

Once I am at work, I can do the teaching part, but the grading, the paperwork, and the data entry is killing me. I am so behind in my work that it's been noticed by my administrators. I came back to work before I was ready, I guess. I could take off again, but I'm out of sick leave and I don't know if I can get disability. There are about 40 days of teaching left, I guess I can make it. I plan to try.

But do I want to come back next year? I shouldn't assume that I could just get a another job. However my union contract says that I can take a year away from teaching and come back into the same position and into the same classroom. I can take two years off and still have a job in the district. I have options.

I wonder if what I really need is a good vacation? Maybe a few days in Disneyland, plan a trip for the summer. Maybe I just need to rest and relax? But vacationing has it's own issues and I am worried that I will just make things worse for myself.

I just feel like everything is so up in the air and I shouldn't make any decisions until I am more firmly grounded. Maybe this is just more of the depression.

I know I am also isolating myself. I think I have very good reasons. I feel like I shouldn't impose myself on people. I think my needs and wants are going to overwhelm them and that until I am more grounded, I should just stay locked away. Which means I am stewing in my own juices and my feelings about people are more negative. I can see myself doing it, but I don't know how to stop.

My current tendency to dive down into myself is why I am writing, so I can see the patterns:

• I want to withdraw from teaching. I am not going to lunch with my colleagues, I am not talking to anyone. I am hiding in my classroom, even when I could be doing other things. 
• I told lawyer guy I started dating that we weren't communicating well. He told me that he had to deal with personal stuff, which I told him to do. I am, of course, assuming that I won't be hearing from him again.
• Benjamin and I managed to have a number of good interactions, but the minute I felt like I was getting needy, I clamped down and pulled back as far and as fast as I could. Our relationship isn't going to withstand me being actually needy. (At least I believe that it won't. Benjamin is trying to be nice, but I don't think he gets the levels of fear I am dealing with.)
• I haven't talked to my theyfriend in a few days. I like them, but they keep a very busy schedule and I haven't had the gumption to ask for time when I wouldn't be very pleasant company.
• I am still waffling about going to a party tomorrow night, because I am afraid I will make an ass of myself.
• I am really waffling about going to a gather on Saturday night for the same reasons.
• I can dance on Saturday and I intend to, but that doesn't feed me the same way as interactions with people. 
• I could dance on Sunday, but that would interfere with my mother's visit. She wouldn't enjoy coming along and she wouldn't understand that I need to go. There is a reason I don't like spending time with her. One of the reasons is because I have to spend it only with her.

If I don't go out, then my weekend is reduced to spending Sunday with my mother, which I know will be draining and annoying. I can think of any number of things I would rather do than visit my mother, but I can't figure a way to get out of it. I haven't seen her since the robbery and I don't have any good excuses.

One of the reasons I know I am feeling this way is that I spent last weekend doing service for other people and I feel that I got very little in return. I am not good at advocating for myself, so I did way more than I should have, I was absolutely drained by Sunday night and only drained myself further Tuesday. When I reached out to the people in my life that I thought I could ask to help me address my needs, for the most part they could not or what they could offer was limited. I hit this week of teaching already depleted and my reserves are running low. This weekend isn't looking much better.

If I don't find something, I will enter this next week of teaching even more depleted and in my current state, I am not sure I can make it. through another week like this one. It's times like these when being more introverted would be nice. Getting energy from people is all well and good, until there aren't any people to draw from.

"I find it hard to tell you..."

I won't put this up on FB. I don't know who to ask for help. I don't know how to ask for help. I mean I did ask for help, but I feel like I was told no.

I know things are pretty bad. I can't eat, I am barely holding things together and I'm snapping at my students.

A friend tried to talk me off the (proverbial) ledge. They meant well; however their platitudes just made me feel more isolated and alone.My friend suggested I call my therapist, which is understandable, they probably felt out of their depth and I am not their (or anyone's problem).

I suppose I should call my medical office to talk to a therapist. But what's the point of talking to someone who only knows me from a file on their computer? I don't want platitudes and I am scared that they'll stick me in some facility for my own safety. A facility where I will be even more isolated and alone. Mental Health care in this country is a joke. I don't think it will make me feel any better to get stuck somewhere for three days.

I've never felt this lost. I feel so dumb because even saying it here is just passive aggressive and no one will likely see this. Better to post this here and get through my day, I guess. We'll see if I make it to 3 and beyond without shattering.

"And the night goes by so very slow..."

When a man says that he wants sex on a daily basis, he's considered normal. I hear it from men all the time that their wives are busy with the baby, their jobs, and what else and they aren't "getting any". Having been married a time or two, my first question is usually, "So, what do you do around the house to help your wife out?"

Imagine my shocked surprise when most men look at me like I'm crazy. "Um, nothing..."

My usual response is to suggest that the man pitch in and do some chores around the house. Usually I hear back that their sex life has improved.

When a woman wants sex on a regular basis, there is a wealth of names that she is called, very few of them said in polite company. When I spoke to my therapist about my sex drive not matching that of my partner, she asked me if I had considered meditation, yoga or other forms of centering. I think I looked at her like she was crazy.

I asked her if she would give the same advice to a man.

Women are told to go after what they want, to ask for their needs to be met and to expect to be treated equally. When we do, we are told to fucking meditate?

Here is the worst part, I'm not worried what people might think of me, but what they must think of my husband that I even mentioned this. I can't figure out a way to even start this discussion without it becoming a poor reflection on me or the people in my life. We use sex to sell, but we don't talk about it.

So, like so many aspects of depression, sexual desires get swept under the rug. I don't even know how to have the conversation anymore. Last night was a very sleepless night. I feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable and a whole wealth of other 'un-'. Feeling this way hurts.

I was so happy because Monday was a really good day. I felt like I was making progress. I was tired yesterday, but things we still all right. Today is awful, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, no one who can help me address my concerns and the worst part is that I feel so alone. This roller coaster is worse than the depression, because now I am scared when I am feeling happy, because I know when it's over, the depression will hurt all the more.

And then the depressive cycle starts in and even though I don't want to, I feel myself drowning. I almost didn't make it to work today. I was late and when I arrived, the staff meeting was about the recent suicide of one of our students.

The day has been going through the motions, because I just don't care, I don't want to be here. I am tired of being told that something so basic, so necessary to my well-being as a person being considered a joke. I guess I stay home this weekend, because when I get like this, I end up being incredibly stupid. That's self-defeating, but I can't think of anything better to do.

So pardon me today, but I am going to indulge in some over the top 80s to express my angst.

"Time Won't Let Me..."

I see my therapist for the first time in over a month. Today we are supposed go over what I have been relating in this blog.  (She didn't tell me to keep a blog, just to start the process and record it somehow).

The lesson from this weekend: No one else will value my time for me, although people may show that they value me personally.

I need a name for the new guy in my life, umm Hans. Hans and I have been on a few dates. I told him about how I screwed up my weekend by essentially doing a catering gig for free. His response was to offer to help. On Saturday, he drove from an hour away to come and help me in the kitchen from 11:30 to 4:30; his only compensation being the pleasure of my company. He offered to help on Sunday, but I declined. I needed the help, I just didn't feel comfortable asking him to give up a second day because I was stupid.

Two other people (who weren't attending the event) agreed to help me. My other Saturday help showed up over an hour late. I ended up doing a lot of the preparation by myself and it is only thanks to the wonderful work that Hans did that I had dinner out on time. Due to the hard slog, I was in no shape to dance afterward, so I skipped the proffered reward for all my work. My Saturday friend did help and got me ready for Sunday Brunch, so I don't mean to say that they weren't helpful, but I learned that offering to help isn't enough. Offering the help when it is needed is important too.

My other helper (my husband) missed his promised window. We renegotiated and he agreed to show up by 2:30. He showed up nearly an hour late and that was because I called him and asked him to please show up. That said, he made up for it last night, since he took on puppy duty so I could sleep.

I am not great at asking for help, as I mentioned before. I need to remember who was willing to help me. I need to learn how to prioritize my time with them accordingly. I also need to get better about asking for help and specifying my expectations instead of just being grateful that they offered to help at all.

"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down"

Blogging on the iPad is nearly impossible. The program/app closes down if I hit the delete button on the keyboard. It's really frustrating, so there is one problem with the iPad. I am using a school laptop for the moment. My 4th, 5th, and 6th period students are working on a "Road to WWII" project, so I am not actively teaching today.

This is a good thing, because I had a talk with the vice principal for the junior class about my online grades not being up to date. It was a friendly chat, but he offered to cover my classes if I need additional grading time. I am trying not to panic, but there is definitely a whole lot of "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit" going on. If I am being offered help and assistance, there's something really wrong. Shit.

I am doing better, but I am still having trouble with focus. I keep getting distracted by emotional crap that I should just let go. I am also feeling incredibly isolated. I am seeing friends and getting out, but I am missing the intimate connections that I had during Dickens Fair (which is probably what got me through November and December). My husband has been caught up with his work. Due to  circumstances, I am not getting the mental breaks I need to reset my buffers and clear my cache.

I am not sure what to do about this lack of mental release; it seems like such a simple problem, but it has been incredibly difficult and dreadfully inconvenient to resolve. It's making everything more challenging than it really should be.

On top of that, I don't have the weekend to work on my backlog. That's because I am an idiot.

I know I dug my own hole with regards to this weekend. I took on a job without understanding what I was taking on and without making sure I had help. I'm stuck with it. On the one hand, I appreciate the willingness of my friends to lend me supplies I need. On the other hand, if one more person suggests to me that I can use volunteers to help me out, I might get violent.

If you can help, thank you I need help both Saturday (10-6) and Sunday morning. I could use an errand runner, a stock person, a prep person and general assistance. Even an hour or two would make a difference. Yes, I know I can use volunteers, it's what to do when said volunteers are in the classes that they paid for. I don't think it's fair to pull them out and I don't believe there were any work/study options for this camp.

If you can't help, I understand, I was supposed to spend this weekend dancing and catching up on my grading. I am really frustrated that I will be spending my days in a kitchen due to someone's incredible lack of foresight and my misreading of the situation. I appreciate that you have better plans; I wish I had better plans.

I don't know how to politely tell people how unhelpful I find unsolicited solutions and advice. I know that I am screwed. I don't need uninformed suggestions and "aww poor baby." I need help.

I am not good at asking for assistance. I am afraid that people won't respect me. I was raised Catholic. We don't ask for help, we just martyr ourselves and hope someone notices and names a gym after us. I feel like a failure when I ask for help. I feel like even more of a loser when I ask for help and people tell me no. I am to the point now where I just don't bother anymore.

So I am not sure what's going to happen this weekend. I do know what will be happening next week. I will have to go to the vice-principal, tail tucked between my legs, and ask him to cover me for an hour or two because I need time for grading. I will have to ask for help and I am sure that he won't respect me for it.

"When your heart's not open..."

My psychiatrist felt that the sudden onset of such a severe depressive episode is good news and bad news. The good news is that it shows my thyroid is approaching functional. The bad news is that I got to experience a hormone cascade for the first time in nearly two years. Said hormones hit me like a Mac Truck going downhill.

I am feeling a bit better. I was concerned how severe my reaction was and how long it has taken me to start moving out of it. It was like being frozen and thawing out. It was not a pleasant experience.

I seem to be doing better. I shopped for this weekend, I made dinner and I even walked the dog.
 The doctor related last night's episode to a prolonged anxiety attack. He gave me a limited prescription (no refills) of ativan so that I have a way of slowing a depressive spiral down, if not stopping it entirely. I get to watch my cycles very closely for the next couple of months while we find out what medications will help when Rachel is perimenopausal and depressed.

As for yesterday, I guess I just look at it like I drunk texted my ex. I have apologized for my inappropriate behavior and timing. I can't take back what was said and excuses don't change the fact I was an ass. So I suppose I just go back to radio silence and leave Benjamin alone. Lesson learned, I don't drunk text, but I do send stupid e-mails when depressed.

I am starting to think drunk texting would be better, or at least a lot more fun.

Way Past Down (The Black Dog)

I showed the above video to my psychology students today. I nearly broke down crying in front of them. This is what I have been doing for the past two days. I haven't broken down at work, but when I got home yesterday and the day before, it was waterfalls for most of the night. A black dog was right there with me.

I am frustrated, because I was doing so well. At least I thought I was. Then I spent time with Benjamin. I thought I could handle it. I thought I'd be all right. I was so bloody wrong.

We saw each other at a dance event on Saturday. It went fine. No problems, no drama, we even danced together.

There was another dance event on Monday night. He noted that it was too far away, but I teased him that he could take the train. Somehow he heard that as an invitation and he decided to go. I offered to drive him back to Bart after the dance.

We saw each other at the dance. It went fine. No problems, no drama, we even danced together. We chatted on the way to the Bart station and it was a little awkward, but still ok. We briefly hugged, again, awkward, but still fine.

We chatted via text on Tuesday and that's when things went downhill for me.

Long story short, I have asked Benjamin on a couple of occasions how he feels about us. I have been pretty frank with him. I have told him I still have feelings. I really miss having him in my life. I wish there was a way we could get back together. (I didn't say this on Tuesday, this is just my underlying motivation since we broke up.) When I brought it up on Tuesday, he shut down the discussion, things got tense and I backed off and haven't chatted with him since.

I did send an e-mail and I explained that being honest about my feelings didn't mean I planned to act on them. I feel this has been a problem since we started fighting. I say how I feel and Benjamin reads it as, "I am going to do X, because I feel this way."

His response noted that yes, he does tend to do that, because he can't things any other way. He also dodged discussing his feelings again.

That's when the black dog, whom I had been keeping at bay for weeks, jumped right back out and took over. I fell to pieces yesterday at school. I kept it together, but I barely made it home.

I have said, pardon, I have accused Benjamin of not loving me, having stopped loving me or just that he never loved me at all. That's the Black Dog talking. But it's also the fact that Benjamin hasn't said how he feels, except to say that I will continue to hold a special place in his life. Goody for me, I will be remembered fondly, provided I don't piss him off so much that he learns to hate me (if he doesn't already).

Yesterday evening the Black Dog yanked the computer out of my hands and typed all the horrible things that have been roiling around for the past few days (this is a very talented pooch). Yes, boys and girls, I sent one of those e-mails. I sent one of those e-mails to Benjamin on his fucking birthday, because I am selfish and horrid. I said that I was incapable of friendship and that he would be better off without me. It was full of pathetic and sad. I am deeply ashamed of having sent it, but it was how I was feeling and the Black Dog pushed send because what does it matter anyway?

I don't know how to deal with this. I missed Benjamin, I want him in my life. I really like it when things are going well, when we are talking, joking and laughing. I don't know if the Black Dog came out because of our interactions or if it came out because of other things. I can apologize, but the Black Dog tells me that it won't matter, because if Benjamin had any positive feelings for me, they are ruined now.

This damn Black Dog is on my chest and I can barely breathe. I have taken on a bigger volunteer gig than I can handle and I don't know how to duck out of it, I don't know who to ask for help and I am really overwhelmed. I figured this out last night, so instead of dealing with my job (that I actually get paid for) I am figuring out my gig for this weekend. I feel like I am flailing and that damn dog is just watching me and telling me how stupid I was to volunteer.

The Black Dog is snatching the food out of my hands before I can eat it, so my blood sugar has been screwed up for the past couple of days. I am stressed and dealing with all of the above and more. I am not exercising, which only exacerbates my problem.

I know what I am supposed to do. I need to eat. I need to exercise. I need to ask for help. I didn't do those things yesterday. I just fell apart. I  want to feel like someone cares for me and it seems like no one does. I feel so damn isolated and alone. My brain knows that I should exercise and eat and, and and; but the loneliness gets to me, then I get worse, then I feel bad because I am not taking care of myself.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

So, once again, Benjamin and I aren't talking because of me. I am overwhelmed because I didn't understand the job I was volunteering for or what I was taking on by myself. I don't feel like I can ask for help, because who would want to help me anyway? I am not doing my actual work, because I am barely functioning, which makes me feel like a horrible teacher. I am wondering if I just shouldn't quit teaching all together. I am spiraling. I know I need to break the cycle and I don't know how.

About the only upside is that I am going to see my psychiatrist today and my therapist on Monday. At least I can tell a medical professional how fucked up everything is.

"The slip that brought me/ To my knees failed"

When a person starts into an addictive cycle, their mental development stops. One of the challenges of drug rehabilitation is dealing with all the physical symptoms of withdrawal while learning the skills that they missed out on because of their drug use.

I am discovering that I am much the same. I had my daughter at 22 and my son at 26. I missed out on a lot of mental maturing and growth because I was busy trying to be a wife and mother with an incomplete set of social skills and some significant personal problems. While I haven't really ever used any substances, I might as well have, because I didn't learn how to be a grown up with my peers, I am getting to learn it now. Having the maturity of someone in their late 20s when you are 45 is not a walk in the park.

I could go into detail, but I am not feeling it today. I am finding the various therapy books to be useful, but mostly I am just tired of having to work so hard. It all feels very Sisyphean.  I feel like that my lack of maturity put me into the situation I am currently in. I feel like I can't get out of the situation until I gain some maturity, but I am finding little motivation to do so.

I see a whole lot of work and not much reward. It's making it really hard to make any progress.
Yesterday and today, I couldn't even bother to push the rock up the hill. It didn't seem to matter. I didn't push the rock and things seem exactly the same as when I busted my ass pushing.

"I want to know, what you're thinking..."

"These non-verbal forms of communication shape our very humanness and our capacity for intimacy (Greenspan, 1999) at barely conscious levels that we carry with us into all of our relating."

I went contra dancing on Saturday and then again on Monday. I noticed that as I would dance, especially the swings, I automatically adapted to my partner. I don't have my own way of swinging in contra, I swing the way my partner indicates. Sometimes it's a stately walk, sometimes its a bouncy twirl and then there is my favorite way, which is a well supported swing. My partner doesn't tell me how to swing, I just read the intention in the body language and follow accordingly. While I do have a tendency to backlead (thank you Fezziwig's) I am a very good follow, at least when it comes to dancing.

I have mentioned that I believe my parents would have scored on the autism scale. They were not comfortable with emotional expression. I learned how to be very sensitive to their feelings and moods; I needed to for basic survival. Whether I just didn't learn normal reactions to body language or if I am just super sensitive, I don't really know. I can't test for it. I just have anecdotal evidence.

• I am very good at predicting what people are thinking and feeling, even if I don't know them well.
• I have been accused of counting cards at more than one casino. I can't count, but most blackjack dealers do, so I just read the dealer and then bet accordingly. I have been walked away from tables because of this.
• I am pretty good at figuring out how to keep a conversation flowing, although I am always scared that I'm dominating it.

I have a love/hate relationship with textual expression. I love it, because I can't tell if people are lying. One thing that was really hard for me as a child is that most people lie, all the time. They do it naturally. I would hear what people said and see that the body language didn't match and being a small child, I would call people on their lies. I could not understand why they would get so angry at me. I think it my first grade teacher who understood and explained to me that people lie to protect children and that I would have to trust that most grownups had the best of intentions. I had to obey if they were a grown up I knew, like a teacher of parent. However, she encouraged me to trust my instincts with strangers.

As I got older, I realized that people do lie, most often to themselves. Body language I read as blatant and obvious deception is often a person's failure to recognize an uncomfortable reality. No one wants to hear my opinion, so I keep it to myself and/or shut down that part of my brain. I love text because even with people I know well, I can communicate with them and not have to shut down a part of my brain.

However, I rely so heavily on body language that if I am face-to-face with a person, what they say is secondary to their tone and how they hold their body and face in relation to me.

It still frustrates me when the body language and the spoken words don't match. It's even worse if there are reasons that I can't trust my own judgement. I know that I am just as likely to lie to myself as anyone else. If I want to believe something I can justify with speculation and hope just like anyone.

Dancing is easy, I can usually figure out what I am supposed to do and the smile I get from my partner is a good reward for my attention. In other circumstances, I can't trust my judgement, I don't know if I am reading correctly and the words and the body language don't match. When that happens I just get frustrated and confused and all of my fight or flight reactions cut in. As a child, misreading someone usually meant getting a severe punishment and humiliated.

It's not easy interacting in a world that I am pretty sure is just waiting for me to screw up. It makes it really hard to just relax and be myself around people. This is what scares me so much about alcohol. After a couple of drinks, I can't read people and I don't care. That is such a wonderful feeling. Such a scary and addictive feeling.

"For in my heart I carry such a heavy load"

I have spent much of my time regretting what I am not. I regret that I am not 5'2" and 100lbs. I regret that I have been married three times. I regret that I didn't give my children the very best life.

I can never regret. I can feel sorrow, but it’s not the same thing.” – Unicorn.
The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle.

I never understood that line as a child. I thought the lack of regret because the unicorn was immortal. I see it differently now. I see regret can be useful for changing behaviors that are negative. I also see that regret is a good way to waste time wishing for things that can't be changed. I could see where that would be a huge liability if you were living forever. It's certainly is for those of us who are mortal. I will never be tiny and petite and my children have the best life I was able to give them. Regret doesn't help in these cases. I can't redesign my body and I can't go back in time and alter my children's lives.

What I do regret and am trying to change is spending emotional currency I don't have to spare. When my husband and I bought our home, we specifically chose a loan that either of us could pay on our own. There were a number of reasons, but the big one was to prevent a situation where a run of bad luck would cause us to lose our home because we couldn't cover the things that inevitably happen in life.

I don't do that emotionally. I tend to dive in with everything I have and then some. I feel like the last few years I've been running with a huge emotional deficit. I see cognitive behavioral therapy analogous to emotional debt counseling. I need to learn new emotional spending habits and not chase after every emotionally shiny thing that my heart desires.

It hasn't been easy, old spending habits die hard. However, dealing with the aftermath of  my mother being held up at gunpoint and robbed in her own home really changed my perspective. I find that that I am less inclined to deal with someone making an unauthorized withdrawal on my emotional currency. Denying them was an easy choice. I feel bad that I couldn't be supportive, but I don't regret it.

It feels strange to be so mercenary about my emotional connections, but better that then to end up where I was in December, when I was about to lose my emotional home.