I showed the above video to my psychology students today. I nearly broke down crying in front of them. This is what I have been doing for the past two days. I haven't broken down at work, but when I got home yesterday and the day before, it was waterfalls for most of the night. A black dog was right there with me.
I am frustrated, because I was doing so well. At least I thought I was. Then I spent time with Benjamin. I thought I could handle it. I thought I'd be all right. I was so bloody wrong.
We saw each other at a dance event on Saturday. It went fine. No problems, no drama, we even danced together.
There was another dance event on Monday night. He noted that it was too far away, but I teased him that he could take the train. Somehow he heard that as an invitation and he decided to go. I offered to drive him back to Bart after the dance.
We saw each other at the dance. It went fine. No problems, no drama, we even danced together. We chatted on the way to the Bart station and it was a little awkward, but still ok. We briefly hugged, again, awkward, but still fine.
We chatted via text on Tuesday and that's when things went downhill for me.
Long story short, I have asked Benjamin on a couple of occasions how he feels about us. I have been pretty frank with him. I have told him I still have feelings. I really miss having him in my life. I wish there was a way we could get back together. (I didn't say this on Tuesday, this is just my underlying motivation since we broke up.) When I brought it up on Tuesday, he shut down the discussion, things got tense and I backed off and haven't chatted with him since.
I did send an e-mail and I explained that being honest about my feelings didn't mean I planned to act on them. I feel this has been a problem since we started fighting. I say how I feel and Benjamin reads it as, "I am going to do X, because I feel this way."
His response noted that yes, he does tend to do that, because he can't things any other way. He also dodged discussing his feelings again.
That's when the black dog, whom I had been keeping at bay for weeks, jumped right back out and took over. I fell to pieces yesterday at school. I kept it together, but I barely made it home.
I have said, pardon, I have accused Benjamin of not loving me, having stopped loving me or just that he never loved me at all. That's the Black Dog talking. But it's also the fact that Benjamin hasn't said how he feels, except to say that I will continue to hold a special place in his life. Goody for me, I will be remembered fondly, provided I don't piss him off so much that he learns to hate me (if he doesn't already).
Yesterday evening the Black Dog yanked the computer out of my hands and typed all the horrible things that have been roiling around for the past few days (this is a very talented pooch). Yes, boys and girls, I sent one of those e-mails. I sent one of those e-mails to Benjamin on his fucking birthday, because I am selfish and horrid. I said that I was incapable of friendship and that he would be better off without me. It was full of pathetic and sad. I am deeply ashamed of having sent it, but it was how I was feeling and the Black Dog pushed send because what does it matter anyway?
I don't know how to deal with this. I missed Benjamin, I want him in my life. I really like it when things are going well, when we are talking, joking and laughing. I don't know if the Black Dog came out because of our interactions or if it came out because of other things. I can apologize, but the Black Dog tells me that it won't matter, because if Benjamin had any positive feelings for me, they are ruined now.
This damn Black Dog is on my chest and I can barely breathe. I have taken on a bigger volunteer gig than I can handle and I don't know how to duck out of it, I don't know who to ask for help and I am really overwhelmed. I figured this out last night, so instead of dealing with my job (that I actually get paid for) I am figuring out my gig for this weekend. I feel like I am flailing and that damn dog is just watching me and telling me how stupid I was to volunteer.
The Black Dog is snatching the food out of my hands before I can eat it, so my blood sugar has been screwed up for the past couple of days. I am stressed and dealing with all of the above and more. I am not exercising, which only exacerbates my problem.
I know what I am supposed to do. I need to eat. I need to exercise. I need to ask for help. I didn't do those things yesterday. I just fell apart. I want to feel like someone cares for me and it seems like no one does. I feel so damn isolated and alone. My brain knows that I should exercise and eat and, and and; but the loneliness gets to me, then I get worse, then I feel bad because I am not taking care of myself.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
So, once again, Benjamin and I aren't talking because of me. I am overwhelmed because I didn't understand the job I was volunteering for or what I was taking on by myself. I don't feel like I can ask for help, because who would want to help me anyway? I am not doing my actual work, because I am barely functioning, which makes me feel like a horrible teacher. I am wondering if I just shouldn't quit teaching all together. I am spiraling. I know I need to break the cycle and I don't know how.
About the only upside is that I am going to see my psychiatrist today and my therapist on Monday. At least I can tell a medical professional how fucked up everything is.
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