'You'll think "how did I get here, sitting next to you?"'

I don't know if I want to be a teacher anymore.

The past couple of days have been really difficult. I usually bounce out of bed in the morning and while I have an alarm, it's more of a reminder. Since I returned to work, getting up and going has been more and more difficult.

Once I am at work, I can do the teaching part, but the grading, the paperwork, and the data entry is killing me. I am so behind in my work that it's been noticed by my administrators. I came back to work before I was ready, I guess. I could take off again, but I'm out of sick leave and I don't know if I can get disability. There are about 40 days of teaching left, I guess I can make it. I plan to try.

But do I want to come back next year? I shouldn't assume that I could just get a another job. However my union contract says that I can take a year away from teaching and come back into the same position and into the same classroom. I can take two years off and still have a job in the district. I have options.

I wonder if what I really need is a good vacation? Maybe a few days in Disneyland, plan a trip for the summer. Maybe I just need to rest and relax? But vacationing has it's own issues and I am worried that I will just make things worse for myself.

I just feel like everything is so up in the air and I shouldn't make any decisions until I am more firmly grounded. Maybe this is just more of the depression.

I know I am also isolating myself. I think I have very good reasons. I feel like I shouldn't impose myself on people. I think my needs and wants are going to overwhelm them and that until I am more grounded, I should just stay locked away. Which means I am stewing in my own juices and my feelings about people are more negative. I can see myself doing it, but I don't know how to stop.

My current tendency to dive down into myself is why I am writing, so I can see the patterns:

• I want to withdraw from teaching. I am not going to lunch with my colleagues, I am not talking to anyone. I am hiding in my classroom, even when I could be doing other things. 
• I told lawyer guy I started dating that we weren't communicating well. He told me that he had to deal with personal stuff, which I told him to do. I am, of course, assuming that I won't be hearing from him again.
• Benjamin and I managed to have a number of good interactions, but the minute I felt like I was getting needy, I clamped down and pulled back as far and as fast as I could. Our relationship isn't going to withstand me being actually needy. (At least I believe that it won't. Benjamin is trying to be nice, but I don't think he gets the levels of fear I am dealing with.)
• I haven't talked to my theyfriend in a few days. I like them, but they keep a very busy schedule and I haven't had the gumption to ask for time when I wouldn't be very pleasant company.
• I am still waffling about going to a party tomorrow night, because I am afraid I will make an ass of myself.
• I am really waffling about going to a gather on Saturday night for the same reasons.
• I can dance on Saturday and I intend to, but that doesn't feed me the same way as interactions with people. 
• I could dance on Sunday, but that would interfere with my mother's visit. She wouldn't enjoy coming along and she wouldn't understand that I need to go. There is a reason I don't like spending time with her. One of the reasons is because I have to spend it only with her.

If I don't go out, then my weekend is reduced to spending Sunday with my mother, which I know will be draining and annoying. I can think of any number of things I would rather do than visit my mother, but I can't figure a way to get out of it. I haven't seen her since the robbery and I don't have any good excuses.

One of the reasons I know I am feeling this way is that I spent last weekend doing service for other people and I feel that I got very little in return. I am not good at advocating for myself, so I did way more than I should have, I was absolutely drained by Sunday night and only drained myself further Tuesday. When I reached out to the people in my life that I thought I could ask to help me address my needs, for the most part they could not or what they could offer was limited. I hit this week of teaching already depleted and my reserves are running low. This weekend isn't looking much better.

If I don't find something, I will enter this next week of teaching even more depleted and in my current state, I am not sure I can make it. through another week like this one. It's times like these when being more introverted would be nice. Getting energy from people is all well and good, until there aren't any people to draw from.