Search through my drama

March 8, 2017

"The slip that brought me/ To my knees failed"

When a person starts into an addictive cycle, their mental development stops. One of the challenges of drug rehabilitation is dealing with all the physical symptoms of withdrawal while learning the skills that they missed out on because of their drug use.

I am discovering that I am much the same. I had my daughter at 22 and my son at 26. I missed out on a lot of mental maturing and growth because I was busy trying to be a wife and mother with an incomplete set of social skills and some significant personal problems. While I haven't really ever used any substances, I might as well have, because I didn't learn how to be a grown up with my peers, I am getting to learn it now. Having the maturity of someone in their late 20s when you are 45 is not a walk in the park.

I could go into detail, but I am not feeling it today. I am finding the various therapy books to be useful, but mostly I am just tired of having to work so hard. It all feels very Sisyphean.  I feel like that my lack of maturity put me into the situation I am currently in. I feel like I can't get out of the situation until I gain some maturity, but I am finding little motivation to do so.

I see a whole lot of work and not much reward. It's making it really hard to make any progress.
Yesterday and today, I couldn't even bother to push the rock up the hill. It didn't seem to matter. I didn't push the rock and things seem exactly the same as when I busted my ass pushing.




Posted by at
Labels: , ,

1 comment:

  1. Katrina3/09/2017 02:21:00 AM

    You know this, but hopefully hearing it from someone outside your head will help (or at least not hurt):

    Right now, you're grinding for Life XP. You know, like that crappy part in the middle of a video game where you have to kill a seemingly endless number of mooks before you can save enough xp/gold/etc to level up/train up a skill(s)/purchase the shiny gear. This part always seems to drag on forever with no discernible, much less meaningful, progress.
    And unlike in a video game, where at least you get a shiny splash screen or something when you finally DO achieve your goal, life's generally much subtler. Hell, I often don't even notice that I've "leveled up" until much later. Frequently it hits me whilst I'm trying to figure out how I adroitly navigated a situation that (I think) should have been really difficult and/or ended poorly.

    My point is: grinding (aka, this part) sucks, but it's productive. Even if it doesn't feel that way.
    And taking breaks is important too.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)