"I'm all right, I'm all right; it only hurts when I breathe.."

I just got the emotional shit kicked out of me. I felt it hit. It's like my blood sugar dropped out from under me and put me into free fall. I feel like I can't breathe.

It's my own fault. I told someone how I actually felt, because I thought they would care. I thought they would say, "Wow, you poor thing. I know this has been hard on you. I think I can offer you some comfort and care."

I didn't think they would tell me to just make do and hope for the best (i.e. go fuck off). I guess I should have known better. I guess I should have known better than to reach out in honest need to that person.

I am shaking my head wondering why I am so stupid. Why I thought it would be different this fucking time, when I've been told how much I don't matter so many other times. I guess I thought...well it doesn't matter.

I am supposed to go to a party tonight. I don't think I can go. The go fuck yourself was just the worst possible thing and the worst possible moment. I just want to curl up in a ball and make the pain stop.

I am so fucking tired of this. I wish I just didn't feel. I wish I didn't keep reaching out in the wrong direction. I wish that this didn't hurt. I wish I weren't at my fucking job, crying like a damn fool. I wish one of my colleagues hadn't seen me sobbing.

I wish I had never asked for help.