Today I have to remind myself that expecting rational actions from two irrational actors with differing goals makes for a great philosophical puzzle; but it's lousy in a relationship. A loving relationship should not be this fraught with conflict and confusion. So, this is not a relationship to have in my life. It's ok to give it up and it's ok to regret that I see no other alternative.
So what do I have? This is called a personal inventory and while it feels self congratulatory to do this, my therapist said it's important.
So the easy stuff, I'm financially comfortable. I have a career and my children have survived to adulthood. My husband is a caring and loving man.
I'm surrounded by friends. I spent time with people I've only known for a few weeks and with people I've known for 20+ years. I have had people make a considered effort to spend time with me. I've had multiple offers of support, help and many cheerleaders.
It's easy to fall into negative patterns, especially when I let wanting something I can't have consume me and prevent me from seeing all the gifts I've been given.
I ran into an ex yesterday. It was very amicable and I enjoyed talking to him. I related some of the recent events and he reminded me of something I didn't want to be told, but needed to hear: nothing is less attractive than desperation. If a relationship is making me feel desperate, get the hell out. While this is true of romantic relationships, it's true in my professional and personal life.
I just need to stop apologizing for who and what I am. People are lucky to have me in their lives. The ones who are happier without me, more power to them. I'm better off sticking to the people who want me for who and what I am. So that's the new mantra: I'm only staying when and where I get an enthusiastic yes. Hopefully it sticks.
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