"Or should I go?"

Yesterday was pretty bad. It's a reminder that I have a mental health issue and like my diabetes, it takes monitoring. I wish that I had a monitor for my depression and anxiety like I do for my blood sugar. However, as whiny as this blog has been, writing has been a helpful measure of my anxiety and depression. I'm not going to be ashamed of a post like yesterday any more than I would be ashamed of high glucose level. It's not a reflection on me, it's a call to action.

So a little cognitive behavioral therapy needed to be applied. I got a manicure and pedicure. Taking care of myself and even indulging was really helpful. It unwound the depressive spiral and I have pretty fingers and toes. I reached out to my friends and was reassured that my pathetic ass was more than welcome. They told me haul said pathetic ass to the party.

Then I reframed yesterday's interaction with Benjamin. (Who else could have thrown me in such a tailspin?)

One of the things that has been really difficult is that I knew Benjamin wanted me in his life. I can walk away from where I'm clearly not wanted. It's not easy, but I can do it. It's much harder to disengage when the person does want me around. Until yesterday, I thought the question was not if we would resume our relationship, but when. (My brain is stupid, I admit this.)

We have been having the same fight since September and I finally got it through my thick skull that that I'm not the problem. It is not a matter of me not being sufficiently poly or being too jealous or my anger or anything that I'm doing wrong. The problem is that Benjamin wants a relationship with Becca and me. I've done somersaults and cartwheels trying to accommodate whatever relationship they decide upon. But the relationship between the two of them does not include a place for me.  I'm doing all the work. I doubt their current relationship has room for Benjamin to pursue anything (but that's a judgement call and not part of my process, sorry).

Benjamin and I had some good interactions in the past few days. Benjamin related that Becca had a problem with that.  She joked that while she had no reason to be territorial (their relationship is complicated and supposedly not a romantic one), Becca views Benjamin as her territory. While he might disagree vehemently, I feel that our relationship has suffered since Becca staked her claim. The more I let Becca's jest run through my mind, it was easier to reframe my feelings about my relationship to him. He made his choice and it's whatever that he gets from Becca. It is more important to him than whatever we had. We wouldn't be fighting about the nature of our relationship if it truly mattered to us both.

I tried playing by the rules, allowing them to develop their relationship without interference. I never asked him to give Becca up and I never referred to him as territory. I started interacting with Benjamin again because I thought there was a place for me. Maybe there is, but it's not a place I want.   I wish it were otherwise, but spending time with Benjamin was like watching a lion in a cage. I could see the beauty and potential, but it's locked away and it's beyond me to open the door or truly know it.  
Benjamin, like that caged lion, is simply beyond my reach.

I realized last night that I feel pity. I think I have a pretty good idea what the likely result of leaving Benjamin in a cage will be. It's not my problem. From now on he is just a some asshole who left me for someone else. 

There aren't many ties to cut with Benjamin, but I cut those I have. The less I have to see him the better. It's getting easier. I'm hoping the reframe will give me a better script. "It's not me, it's not about me and nothing I do will change things."

My weekend is full of people and activities. I won't beat myself up for being stupid. In education a lesson is taught as many times as it needs to be learned. I will learn this lesson, that no matter how badly I might want something, I cannot sacrifice who I am.

Maybe this time the lesson will stick.