"It's me on the outside..."

What are the rules about how I should expect to be treated and treat others?

One of the reasons I really like ballroom dance is because there are rules that are supposed to be followed. The first and last dance go to your escort. If asked to dance, you should say yes unless the dance is already held for someone else. If it is held, it is polite to offer the next dance to the person who asked. It is selfish to dance with a person more than once (excepting your escort). Are the rules followed all the time and by everybody? No, but the rules are there and if someone isn't following them, they are social structures in place to correct the person.

I really wish there could be rules like that in life. It would make my existence so much easier.

I asked a friend about getting together. They told me that they were going to be busy through the end of May. I poked them about getting together now. I am not worried about this, because they are my friend and while they are dating someone and I am married, that doesn't mean we won't find time for each other. However I think this is the first time in our friendship that they are in a (capital 'R') Relationship. I wonder if that changes the rules? I am curious about how things will change between us. I am not worried, but I really have no idea what it will be like.

I have another friend who is poly. He has a girlfriend and an "ummm..friend". I would label both relationships as dating but the "ummm...friend" says they are just friends. There has been considerable conflict between the three of them because the girlfriend is tired of the "ummm...friend" being treated with the same consideration and courtesy as a girlfriend when the "ummm---friend" does not seem subject to the same expectations as one.

 I don't know the answers, because polyamorous relationships are like pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, there aren't rules so much as guidelines that some people follow and others do not and all the ships look different anyway. However if someone says, "We are just friends" then I think they are asking to be treated as such and can't get pissy when the girlfriend takes precedence. However that is based solely on labels and the rules I place around how a thing is labeled.

I know a lot of my questions stem from navigating boundaries and figuring out things with people in general. As I noted recently, I like patterns. I like structure. I like their to be rules. I want to label something, define it and then act with the associated rules to a thing. My job is like that. Video games are like that. My computer is like that. People, they seem to do any old thing. It's frustrating. I feel like I need to know.

I can easily cope with a space that contains 20-30 strangers. However navigating a relationship (regardless of how it is labeled) with a few people seems like such a chore sometimes. I don't know the rules and they are different for every person. Why are people so complicated?

"And the pattern still remains/On the wall where darkness fell..."

My father was obsessed by patterns. Transit systems, numbering systems, languages, music, and poetry were all patterns he would explore inside out. Thanks to my parents, I learned to read music, understand grammar and probably know more about trolley systems than I'll ever have need to. My father was fond of saying that he had forgotten more than most people learn in a lifetime. 

While I never quite got the knack of understanding mathematical patterns, when it came to music and poetry I usually had a good idea of what the next note or word should be. When I listen to music, it can absorb all of my attention as my brain insists on pulling apart the notes, the phrasing and the expression piece by piece. Just because I could, I once wrote out all of the tracks in an Enya song. I find music production endlessly fascinating, from Buddy Holly who did amazing things with four track production to the more complicated endeavors of modern day producers like Timbaland. I like musical patterns, as there are set rules than can be bent or broken in such interesting ways.

I have found that I have a tendency to see interactions with people as a series of patterns. It is incredibly useful as a teacher. When you are dealing with over a hundred people every day, it's impossible to keep track of them as individuals. It is far easier to keep overall patterns of student behavior in my head. If a student tends to be a certain way, I can usually predict what they are going to do in a given situation or scenario.

It is not always as useful with friends and family. I fall into patterns of interaction. Like many people I default to what feels comfortable. Comfortable behaviors are not always constructive ones. My negative tendencies can be reinforced by my own patterns of behavior. I can find myself doing the same thing over and over again, unable to break the bad habit.

Bob the Angry Flower expresses it perfectly.

The recent challenge has been knowing when to change my own patterns. Further, it's understanding that no matter what I do, some patterns are simply unbreakable. The only thing to do is to go around and past the wall because there is no way through or over it.

So today's song is not only about patterns, but also it is interestingly produced and had poetry that my father found absolutely fascinating. It is also all too fitting. 

"Time won't let me"

Capt. Kirk: There are a million things in this universe you can have and a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are.
Charlie Evans: Then what am I going to do?
Capt. Kirk: Hang on tight and survive. Everybody does. 

 - Star Trek, Charlie X

I have always loved that quote. Especially as a teacher, I think that while the world is a wealth of possibilities, it's important to learn that we can't have everything.

I think that's one of the problems I see in the world today. Between technology, a sense of entitlement and just the world I live in, it's hard to face that there are simply things that I cannot have. More importantly there are things I am unable to give to other people and, while regrettable, that is all right.

I have a student who is upset that he earned a B+ in my AP Psychology class. I have spent hours explaining that he did not earn an 'A'. Just because it is the first 'B' he has ever received does not make the grade any less valid. However due to a number of things, students haven't learned the grade they have earned is the grade they get. Instead, the grade is a starting point for negotiations. It's a matter of a couple of percentage points, so honestly it would have been easier on everyone if I had simply given in, and fudged him into an 'A'.

After the past couple of days I am glad I did not. It's been an important lesson in the power of 'No' and hard choices. My grades mean nothing if I am willing to change them given the right amount of coercion. (I will make a change if I made a mistake, but we went over this kid's grade with a fine tooth comb, there are no mistakes.)

If there is any place I have seen this sense of negotiate until one gets the answer one wants, it's with regards to scheduling.

I was recently trying to schedule a coffee date with someone. I told them a particular day and time (via text). They did not get back to me and so after 48 hours I texted again. I said that the particular day and time would no longer work, but would they like to schedule another time. They responded back that the original day and time was fine. I haven't bothered to respond. I have never considered myself bound to clock and schedule, but after years of experience I already know that this is not a person who I will work well with. I understand that life happens. I am not upset that they couldn't confirm a date. I am upset that they ignored what I said and tried to keep the original date and time. I don't make plans with someone I don't know well on short notice.

The funny thing is that I believe in the Power of And. I want a world in which every answer does not have to be this or that, but can be this and that. However there are times when I believe that humans have to choose. I think that trying to apply the power of and to every situation is a recipe for disaster.

 I was trying to schedule a weekend activity with a friend. Scheduling with this person is often difficult. I have often said that it would be easier to lead 10,000 Macedonians into battle then to make a weekend plan with them.

Yesterday I told them that, "I told you what my availability and preferences were. You countered with Friday, a day I said I wasn't available, I said no. Discussion [about Friday and Saturday] is over."

They complained and tried to continue negotiating and telling me that I wasn't willing to compromise. It dawned on me why scheduling with them is so difficult. Scheduling is rarely a yes, no conversation. Instead it's like solving geometry proofs. There are times when the best way to express a scheduling negotiation is like this:

• If I do A on Friday and 
• then B late Friday night, 
• I will have complimentary angles of triangle ABC
• and C you on Saturday morning.

In contrast, another friend asked if I would like to see them this weekend. They said, "Here's my availability, can you fit in anywhere?" I am sure they would have been disappointed in a no, but I know from experience that if my schedule and their's does not coordinate, they will ask me about my later availability and we will try to find a match. If we really want to see each other, we find a match. Do I see this person as much as I would like, no, but I find working out time to see them to be easy and worth the occasional disappointment.

I don't like to be told no. I don't think anyone does. However, if there is anything this week has taught me, it is the value of saying no to other people and accepting no from other people.

"And now you're starting to criticize little things I do..."

I have talked a lot recently about anger, emotions, and boundaries. I have discussed how difficult they are for me to work with and through.

It isn't easy for me to trust people. I am very guarded and closed off. This is not something that has improved with age, in fact I think it has gotten worse. I have a lot of experiences that show me that being closed off and guarded is safer and allows for better functioning in the world.

Good relationships aren't built through being closed off and being guarded. I finally broke down and shared something very personal with someone recently. While they were very supportive and considerate while I was pouring out my heart and soul, the next day they seemed to be acting like what I shared was an inconvenience and not worthy of recognition.

I am human, I was hurt and reacted accordingly.

I have no idea what really happened, because I can't view the exchange objectively. All I know is when I told the person how I felt, they apologized for being an asshole. A bit later they  told me that were sorry that they couldn't make the relationship work and seemed to be done with it and me.

I guess I am better off without this person in my life. However, that's not the lesson I have taken at the moment. Instead I have learned that I can break down and share something of myself and get rejected by someone I thought cared for me.

I made a fool of myself when I shared something personal with this person. I wish I could talk to them, but I am afraid that I would just further humiliate myself by begging to be assured that sharing my pain, letting down my guard, and opening up to them isn't why they walked away from me.

But I can't even ask them that much, because I doubt they will even talk to me. I don't have the wherewithal to risk yet another humiliating rejection.

So I am just locked in my own head, in my own emotions, and my own anger and pain. I am wishing that I hadn't trusted, that I hadn't shared my emotions and that I hadn't let my guard down.

What's the point of progress if it just hurts so much?

"I know you don't have any other plans...."

I have seen depression described with all sorts of analogies. The various ways to explain depression trouble me, because they all seem to come from the perspective that people who cope with a mental illness have something to prove.

Why can't I say, "I have depression, it sucks"? Why can't a mental illness be accepted the same way as something physically apparent? I understand that depression is invisible to most people, but it affects my life daily, I shouldn't have to justify that it's challenging.

I suppose that is part of the problem. People want to assign blame, that someone with depression, diabetes, or other issues is somehow responsible for their condition. I must have done something in my childhood that cause my liver to function less efficiently or given me dysfunctional brain chemistry. It can't simply be a problem. I am responsible.

Depression isn't a broken leg or diabetes or spoons or whatever analogy is in vogue this week. It's depression. It's like having a debate every time I attempt to do something. It's having a debate with real life consequences if I lose and the only gain if I win is that I complete the same simple task many people accomplish every day.

I did not sleep well last night. I woke up this morning at about 5am. I thought, "I could get up early, go to work, accomplish stuff and then leave right after my final class." My brain had other ideas and I lost that debate. Instead, I got out of bed at 6:55 and ended up being late to work.

It doesn't matter if something is a healthy choice or not. It doesn't matter if it is something that will make me feel better. Everything is a debate. On good days, it's a short debate and the healthy or productive choice wins. On too many days, it comes down to consequences.

• If I don't eat, then...
• If I don't sleep, then...
• If I don't go to work, then...

There are times when I only go to work because the consequences of staying home are too significant. There are many times when I don't bother eating because future Rachel will have to pay for that and I don't give a rat's ass about her.

I have spoken with friends about how I tend toward avoidance. I realized it's because it's a way to prevent a debate. On good days, I want to see people, the debate is an easy one to win. On most days, it's just simpler if I simply avoid the debate altogether. If I am trying to figure out how to convince myself to get out of bed and go to work, it's unlikely I have the energy to convince myself that someone actually wants to see my depressed ass (or any other part of me).

I like today's song because it feels like the artists understand that it's not that I don't want to go out, but that getting out is such a task unto itself. Or maybe I'm projecting. 

"Where there's a whip, there's a way..."

I like being a teacher. Teaching is the only job that I think I am really in the right place. I'm not perfect, I don't grade papers in a timely manner and I am incredibly disorganized. There is a lot I can do to improve, but while I recognize the places where I can improve, I know that I am a good teacher.

One of the things I like about teaching is that (in California) it is structured to be collaborative. The union does a good job of protecting our interests and making competition between teachers non-productive. There is little hierarchy and so I have always felt that my ideas are just as valid as those of a teacher who has been here for twice as long.

There are drawbacks to union teaching and we are in the midst of them. Long story short, there is a lot of time and effort that we are asked to do "for the students". I haven't met many teachers that don't pour their heart and soul into their jobs. Trust me, we do almost everything for the students. I don't think that teachers would stay in such a challenging job otherwise.

This has been a bad year at my school. There has been a lot of emotional crap going on. We are all feeling pushed to our limit. We want to do our jobs, we want to be good teachers, but there is a whole lot of "Wait, things will get better" and while we understand, we are tired.

There is a meeting at lunch today. What should be a simple vote and a simple process has been made complicated. It isn't that the teachers don't understand why the new schedule won't benefit students. It's that we are tired of being pushed and asked so much without receiving even the smallest consideration in return. I am worried that the schedule change will be voted down, not because it's a bad idea, but because the teachers are stressed and angry and without a place to feel appreciated, we are expressing our discontent, even though we might lose something valuable.

I sometimes think that people don't realize how much teachers give and how stretched thin we are by the end of the year. I voted for the proposal. However, I understand the people who are voting against it. I wanted to vote against it with a "suck it up, buttercup!" I'm tired of feeling unappreciated and at least the vote is one place I can push back and take away something I know the administration wants to happen. After everything I feel has been asked of me this year, it's just a small place to make my stand. It was hard to think objectively.

I want to be appreciated. While I like my union, my students and my colleagues, I miss bonuses. I miss getting something that recognizes the effort I put into my work. I miss feeling like I matter. I miss the envelope that tells me that my work is excellent and that I am important to my department. I think that spending so much of my time with only my students for feedback makes a difficult job even more challenging when the year is coming to a close and we are all so overdrawn.

I'm going to the lunch meeting, not because I want to change my vote, but because I think that I need to be reminded that I'm not the only teacher who feels that I'm not respected for what I do, no matter how well I do it.

Today's song is an oldie and what I use when I need to feel some motivation, even when I think it's unfair. 

"Somewhere just beyond my reach There's someone reaching back for me..."

What needs are appropriate to ask to have met? I asked my therapist about this a few days ago and she was frustratingly vague. She said that all needs are appropriate. Not everyone can meet your needs, but that's acceptable. However, if someone is consistently not meeting your needs, you let them pass from your life.

I thought I spoke English. I recognize all the individual words in the concept above, but I don't understand the overall gist of what she said. Wait, I can expect my needs to be met? What? If someone doesn't meet my needs, I can stop putting energy into them? What? When did I miss that memo?

A few days ago I felt that my needs were not getting met, that I had asked and was told no. A friend commented "You asked for what you needed. Someone didn't help. That isn't your fault, that is someone in your life who maybe shouldn't be."

I keep thinking that I am wrong for what I am asking. I keep thinking that I am asking for too much. I think that perhaps I am not being clear. I keep making excuses. Yesterday, I didn't care. I have been in pain and I felt my needs were being set aside, so I pushed back.

It wasn't my intention to end the relationship. However, I believe I did or at least put in on a hiatus. I didn't say "You aren't meeting my needs, go away." I said, "I am not sure what to do going forward, but I don't have to figure it out when I feel this angry and resentful. I don't have to spend time with you and so that's what I am doing."

The person hasn't responded and I guess there isn't much for them to say. There is a part of me that wants to try discussing it again, but one of the needs that hasn't been met has been sufficient time to have these conversations. There is always something or someone more important and we never get to a firm resolution. I know I made my choice in pain and anger. I am not sure if it's the right one, but at least I can start letting it go.

I still don't know what needs are appropriate or which ones I can reasonably expect to have met. Hell, I don't even know what I really need as opposed to what I want. I suppose I need to figure that out. Mostly I just feel abandoned and alone and it's a horrible feeling. If there was any need I would like to have met, I need to feel like I was a priority to someone and at the moment, I don't.

I am worried that maybe I just want some white knight to rescue me. I know how badly that can go. But I am so tired of relying on myself and feeling so alone. I just want to be taken care of, just for a little while. I am going to let today's song dream big for me, even if I can't.

"Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me..."

I am a stress ball. I know that is very typical of adult children of alcoholics. Growing up in environments where feelings and emotions are not to be expressed; internalizing things is just a daily practice. I remember when I was 13, I was treated for a mysterious stomach ailment that lasted for days. It never occurred to anyone hat problems at home and being bullied at school were the probable cause, it was just labeled as mononucleosis.

I have hypothyroidism in the form of Hashimoto's Disease. I take medications for it, but one of the realities is that my metabolism is slow. One something starts, it's hard to shake off. Anything I ingest is likely to remain in my system for longer than most people. If I drink alcohol, I am very reluctant to drive for a long period of time, because I know that the 1 drink = 1 hour rule does not apply to me. It also means that there are a lot of pain killers I simply can't take by mouth. I have yet to find one that doesn't make me violently nauseous. If I am going to get pain medication, it has to be injected. I have had this fight with ER doctors, because the last thing I want is to be in pain and be nauseous. (This seems to be considered drug seeking behavior.)

If I let stress get to me, I end up in pain. Pain, understandably, makes me more stressed. Stress and pain makes me nauseated. Most of the things that ease pain make me sick. The fact that there is little I can do about the stress, the pain, and the nausea sets up a nasty cycle. Within a few days, I get to the point where Advil and Tylenol make me sick. (I am there with this round.) I am now to the point where I have given up everything to do with my diet and health, because I have only one goal, deal with the pain without throwing up and try not to stress about what I am doing to myself. I am not taking any of my medications that affect my digestion (most of them), I'm eating whatever will stay down, and while I have been taking walks, I haven't been exercising.

I know the answer, I am supposed to ask for help. I did that yesterday and the answer was "I'm not feeling well, either." I might have asked someone else but I figured the answer would be, "I could have seen you yesterday, I can see you tomorrow, but I have other plans tonight. Asking for help is hard enough, but being told no, that's more than I am able to deal with. I'd rather just not ask.

One of the things that my therapist and I discussed is that I am always the flexible and adaptable one. Because I don't let many people see my pain, some folks don't see that I'm suffering. They assume that I just wanted to stay home because that was  more fun. I am usually the one who takes care of people, not the other way around. I am so bad at taking care of myself or letting others take care of me, that I can't think of anyone who has succeeded at taking care of me in recent memory. It's not that people don't try, they do. I'm just a lousy patient; just ask my mother. (Old stories are hard to shake off. The best I have achieved is I can get people to leave me alone so I can attempt to take care of myself.

I know that if something doesn't give, I am going to break down. This morning a friend asked how I was, I told them that I was in pain. While they offered some sympathy and the offer of a massage, they also began telling me about something emotional and stressful going on in their life, with the promise of giving further details tonight. I declined their offer, because I know that even telling them, 'Um, what part of "I'm in pain, no added stress please" was unclear?' will not prevent the topic from sitting there between us because in our relationship, that's one of my roles. I need sympathy and comfort, I don't need to tell someone that I also don't want to hear about the stress in their lives when I have enough of my own.

I'm not writing this all out for sympathy or offers of help or even just for the sake of bitching (although there is some of that). I am writing this out because I know I can't be alone. I know that this is all exacerbated by my depression. The more pain I am in, the more sick I feel, the more stressed I get, the harder my depression rides me. I don't know what to do to fix it, because help feels too hard to come by.

I know, in my head, that the cycle will break and I will feel better. But in the midst of it, everything feels awful and I just want it all to stop.

But hey, Tom Petty was on sale a while back so he provides today's song.

What I want...

I saw my therapist a couple of days ago and discussed anger and boundaries. The advice was that I need to look inward to determine what I need and then learn to ask for it from the people around me.

My shoulder is killing me. It hurts. 

I tried asking for help. It was about 50% successful. 

The other 50% was business as usual, mostly involving pulling back and making sure that I don't complain too much.

I am not great at asking for what I need. I am really bad at asking when I am not feeling well. The last thing I want is to be told no when I already feel lousy.  

No song today. I have the littlest violin playing "pity me" already.

"Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light..."

I am of the opinion that an apology has multiple parts. This is really important to me because I have anger issues. It isn't that I act out inappropriately. I don't believe that is a problem. I do believe that it is difficult for me to resolve my anger once I finally let it out.

The small trickles, which I have been learning to show to my students is pretty easy. I have found that if I discuss it, explain what behavior I want to see change and then impose a consequence if the behavior continues, I feel the issue is resolved.

This trickle effect doesn't work with peers. It is very rare that I allow anyone to see me have a deep emotional reaction. If things get too emotional, I leave. I am the queen of avoidance. There are people I have literally avoided for years. Holding grudges is a behavior I know I learned from my mother. I didn't learn how to let things go, that behavior is to set in my brain, but at least I let the people go.

There are people I don't want to lose.  Dealing with my anger has been difficult, because I am not good at telling people what I want.  Often the person doesn't realize that something is wrong until I have already left in a flounce. Returning doesn't mean the anger is resolved though. I need an apology. I need the recognition that something is wrong, that it had a negative impact. I need the action to change (and I have to believe that the situation/actions will be changed.) I also need something tangible to represent the apology. It can be flowers, it can be a teddy bear, it can be a written note.  Whatever it is, the tangible object helps me wrap my anger into a package and drop it.

I try to do this for other people. If I feel I've screwed up, I try and give the multi-part apology. I don't know if I am doing it right because I don't know many people who get angry the way I do. I have the feeling that I probably apologize and take blame way too readily because I am so sure that if someone is angry at me, they will leave.

That might be one of the problems. I get truly and deeply angry so rarely and I keep it under such tight control that I wonder if people really know if I am angry at them (except for those poor souls who live with me). I think the other problem is that people may not understand that by the time I am angry enough to really express it, I have gone so far past logic and reason that there is no point in appealing to rational thought until the apology is been given and accepted.

Obviously there are some current real world applications to what I am writing about right now. I am not trying to be vague. However this is one of the few times I have taken a look at how deeply my anger runs and how much I try to ignore it. I don't see my therapist for a couple weeks, but I think this is the next topic to work on. What does appropriate anger look like? How do I express it without imagining that I have ended the friendship or relationship?

Today's song probably has a lot to the fact that I have been listening to the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 soundtrack a lot recently. It fits my mood and it was on when I finished writing this.

"Look back in anger, see it in my eyes..."

I am not very good about showing my anger and frustration. I was raised to believe that showing such emotions is manipulative and weak. Conflict is to be calmly and logically discussed.

I do get angry, but it is rare that I lose control. I was taught that if I am in danger of losing control, I should remove myself from the situation. I should never impose my emotions on anyone else.

I used to say that one could tell how angry I was based on whether my anger ran hot or cold. Now I would say that I think it’s pretty difficult to tell if I am angry. I tend to remove myself from most intense emotional interactions. I might be sad, angry, frustrated, or simply overwhelmed. As a friend put it, “Avoidant Rachel is avoidant.”

Appropriate emotional expression was not modeled for me as a child or a young adult. I was simply taught to take my emotions to another room. If someone was interested in knowing what was troubling me, they would follow me and ask. I was never shown that telling someone about my emotions was acceptable behavior in certain circumstances.

If I am showing emotion, something is really wrong. It doesn’t matter if I my temper is fired up or I am cold. If you know I am angry, I have lost control and I am going to be flailing at anyone or anything that comes near me. It doesn’t happen very often, but given that my anger usually involves a nuclear option, that’s for the best.

While I have spent the past few months working on my inner voices and learning how to define my limits and boundaries, being better about expressing my emotions, specifically anger and frustration, has been the process of years. I had to learn it as a teacher. Holding in my emotions and seeming placid and then suddenly exploding with nearly no warning is not good teaching. I can’t remove myself from the classroom. I have had to learn to express anger and resolve it constructively.

I have learned to share my feelings. I will tell my class that I am in an emotional state and set a firm boundary. My fourth period messed up today. It was annoying, but not all that bad. However there was other stuff that had me really riled up, so I could feel myself getting angry. I calmly told my students that I was disappointed in them and why. I told them that they would have 5 minutes for everyone to find equilibrium and then we would start class. I was able to teach the rest of class without incident. That is a huge accomplishment for me.

It’s not all sunshine, I was riled up due to another situation. Instead of dealing with it constructively the person in question was subject to my nuclear option, complete with ‘f’ bombs. 

...Who am I to disagree?"

I told a friend today that I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and I can’t get off. I want to, but I feel stuck.

It seems like such an easy thing to say. If you don’t like how a relationship is going, walk away. I understand now that is pretty useless piece of advice. I don’t think it’s wrong, but walking away is rarely simple.

In economic terms, one must consider the sunk cost. I don't believe that I am terribly different from most people; when I have invested myself in a relationship, I don't want to feel like that effort is wasted. I think it's also difficult when I'm in the midst of a relationship to realize that it is costing me more that it is giving me.

I have been married three times. I adored my second husband. (This isn't a slam against my first husband, he isn't relevant to this particular topic.) The first three years of our relationship felt like everything a good partnership should be. I felt like we connected on an emotional level. It was that connection that kept me with him for another four years. I could point to the moment when I should have left, but that's pure hindsight. In the moment, the only time I could have left was when I did.

For many years, I blamed the problems in our marriage on the emotional connections we had and how they were broken. I held my heart in reserve, rarely trusting anyone with true emotion. I love my third husband, but it took years for us to get to that point. I didn't trust my heart and so my current husband had to prove a lot of things. I really am very fortunate that he was so understanding and patient.

It has taken me years to relearn how to forge emotional connections with people. I feel like I relate on a deeper level to the people in my life. What my husband proved to me was that I could trust other people. For the most part, this has been a good thing.

Over the past weekend, I learned that trust needs boundaries. Emotional connections are a fine thing until they cross boundaries or make me feel powerless. That has been the challenge for the past few days. I don't really have the tools to weigh the difference between sunk cost that's a hopeless cause against one that just needs a little more emotional currency.

I find this frustrating. I just want a way to calculate how much emotion for how long before I give up? If Google could do that for me, I'd appreciate it. (The link isn't a google tool, but hey, it's something. Surfer beware.)

"I know what I know, if you know what I mean..."

I rediscovered a word this weekend: boundaries.

This weekend I learned (the hard way) what not having firmly established boundaries could allow to happen. I experienced the lack for myself and I saw it happen to a friend of mine.

After my experiences, I realized I need to establish what my boundaries are going to be. I have to  make an effort to communicate them with the appropriate people. This might seem elementary, but I never was given permission or saw the value in establishing how I wanted to be treated when I was growing up. "All animals are equal, but someone animals are more equal than others." is the best way to explain my boundaries growing up. I might have had them, but my family and other grown ups didn't have to respect them. My boundaries were the boundaries imposed upon me, I had no agency.

What I learned from my friend's experience allowed me to define why having "Rachel's Defined Boundaries" is so important. I think there are few people who actually treat people the way they want to be treated. I don't think it's malice, I think it's human nature. It's just too easy to take people for granted if they don't make some noise.

My husband usually makes sure that we both have a glass of water before we go to bed each night. I am not sure how it became a thing, but one night when he didn't get us water that I noticed it. It didn't occur to me to get water for the both of us, though. I mean it did when I thought about it, but I had just accepted it as something he did. I didn't value the service until one day it wasn't there. (I have since made sure to tell my husband how much I appreciate that nightly glass of water.)

I went dancing on Saturday evening. I was there with friends. I didn't establish with my friends what my expectations for the evening were going to be. I assumed that I would be accorded a certain level of attention. One of my friends gave me exactly what I expected. We danced, we had a lovely chat and that was the extent of it. The person I carpooled with, on the other hand, I had thought that we would have a check in to determine when we were ready to leave. Instead, we danced, we had a nice chat and that was the extent of it. I couldn't find my friend when I was ready to leave. I was frustrated because we had discussed what to do if one of us wanted to leave earlier than the other, but it didn't work if we couldn't communicate with each other. Our plan required additional check-ins.

In this case, I suppose you could say that I needed a contingency plan. However the reason I wanted to leave early is because a boundary that I never thought to have was violated during the evening. It was relatively a minor thing, but after having the same boundary crossed multiple times, I didn't have emotional wherewithal to keep dancing. I withdrew to the sidelines for a while and then later went for a walk and met my carpool at their car.

I was annoyed with my carpool, but only because we didn't have a communication contingency. I wasn't even sure why I was so upset until the next day when I was talking to my friend and they told me about how their boundaries had been crossed. Listening to my friend and thinking about my own experience, I realized that the boundaries with my carpool had been poorly defined. We thought that we would somehow magically know when the other was ready to leave a crowded and dark dance venue.

So I plan to figure out my boundaries, try to communicate them, and once I have done this, I am going to enforce them (and not be talked out of them). I am going to do this even if it means I disappoint people. I am going to do this even if it means that people won't "like" me. I never want to feel like I did last Saturday night. I have no one to blame buy myself, because if I had established my boundaries I feel that Saturday night would have gone much better.

I am very motivated to fix this. This isn't just because I had a bad night. This is for my health, my well being and my sanity.

Today's song was a tough pick. I went with figurative, not literal.

"'Diff'rent' is nice, but it sure isn't pretty "Pretty" is what it's about..."

Yesterday a friend reminded me that there are billions of people in the world who are not my parents and will not react like my parents when I disagree with something stated.

When I shared this idea with my husband, he said that he probably owed my friend a fruit basket.

The big conflict we teach in AP Psychology is nature vs. nurture. How much of who we are as people is based on genetic coding and how much is based on environmental factors? It is one of the things about psychology I find fascinating. My children, who are only half siblings, have many things in common and yet are very different people. I often wonder what is genetic and what is the influence of other environmental factors.

I suppose it isn't unusual to wonder what sort of person I would be if I were raised by different people. I have an easy example. I have been told by many people that I am very attractive. I am not photogenic, but in person I am very striking. I simply don't believe it.

My mother was the only girl in a family of five. My grandmother was a practical and pragmatic sort who really did not know how to mother a girl. My mother had horrible acne, was incredibly unpopular as a child and grew up thinking she was ugly. She told me from a very young age that I would never be pretty, so I should develop a sparkling personality.

My father's second wife was a Filipino woman who was tall and slim. Her daughter was stunning. I learned that a lot of my stepsister's looks were actually the careful application of make-up and attitude, but even without artifice, my stepsister was pretty. If I wanted out from her shadow, it wouldn't be based on looks, so I further developed my personality. I did learn some attitude from my stepsister, but I never thought of myself as pretty.

I wonder if I would be an interesting person if I thought I was attractive. I wonder if I would be so accommodating. I wonder if I would be so afraid of rejection. Actually I know that I probably would be. I read a memoir from a Playboy Bunny who was incredibly insecure, which makes no sense to me, but she was and she ended up in a really bad relationship because of it.

I figure that people will be much like my father. When presented with the choice between my stepsister and me, I will lose. I figure if anyone is given a choice between a relationship with me and one with another person, I will lose. The best strategy I've developed is to make sure that I control when the relationship will end by being the first to walk.

I am not particularly happy with how continued use of this tactic has worked out, but it is so deeply ingrained that I often have a foot out the door before I realize I am leaving. I also can be incredibly stubborn and have stayed in unhealthy relationships. I am trying to figure out what constitutes a healthy relationship that deserves my trust and an unhealthy one that I should simply give up and leave.

I have always loved this song from Chorus Line. About the only time I feel beautiful is when I am dancing. This version is amazing!

"Making all his nowhere plans for nobody..."

I told a friend today that I felt like a hot mess. Their response, "Don't we all?"

Wait, we do?

I saw my therapist a couple of days ago and discussed my concerns about rejection. One of the things she noted is that not only am I my own harshest critic, but she wonders how I could exist in the world and not know that most people have concerns about rejection, feeling like they aren't good enough.

Wait, we do?

I have a friend who is dating someone who is difficult. HK is known for their temper, their impulsiveness and their anger issues. I have only met HK on a few occasions but I was made very aware of their temperamental nature by mutual friends and my own experiences. HK is not subtle. I don't understand why my friend dates this person. I have my issues and I can be a bitch, but I would expect that if I were so well known as an angry and negative person, I wouldn't date much. Another friend is dating someone who really needs to know their schedule well ahead of time. It's not unreasonable, but the idea of being inflexible about scheduling because it's something I need has never occurred to me.

It's not that I think of myself as spineless. I guess I think of myself as very adaptable, but I suppose that is more that I am not very good at asking for my needs to be met. I mostly assume they won't be.

When I don't feel like my needs are going to be met, I withdraw. If I feel like I might impose, I withdraw more. I think I am very, very good at not being a bother and withdrawing. This is a lousy tactic, because what it mostly means is that I spend of a lot of my time trying to take up as little space as possible, alone and miserable.

My therapist says I need to accept that not everyone is going to like me. I also have to accept that I have needs and while not everyone might be inclined to meet them, having needs doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human and I can expect that if I am meeting someone's needs, they will want to meet mine. That's how most people in relationships act.

Wait, we do?

So paradigm shits and all that, such fun in middle age. I decided that I am going to try and be less of a pushover. It's already caused issues, so that's not been fun.

 At least today's song was an easy pick.

"But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo..."

I was diagnosed with ADHD like many women; concurrently with one of my children who got the initial diagnosis.

It never occurred to me that most people didn't struggle with task completion, hyper-focus or a lack of focus. I didn't know that most people can sit still.

I take medication to help with my ADHD. Due to medical hocus-pocus, I am taking stimulants due to potential side effects. I am taking a secondary medication which happens to help with ADHD, but doesn't treat it directly. This means that this year has been particularly difficult at work because I feel like I am always trying to walk up hill with a heavy load when I have tasks to complete. Focusing on any sort of work is very challenging.

There is one thing I can focus on and that's rejection. Last year I ran two games at a local Role Playing Game convention. I think it was my 5th year in a row. I had been invited by the coordinator back in 2012 with a repeat invite every year since. Last year, one person, in one of my games complained. The coordinator and I had a well reasoned discussion about it. We agreed that while I could have been a little more attentive to the player's needs, the player did not exercise agency and express their concerns. The coordinator appreciated that I wasn't defensive and discussed that matter calmly. I was invited to run a game this year.

My response has been to ignore any requests to run and I haven't signed up for any conventions. I don't want to have to answer the question, "Rachel, aren't you running a game?"

The reason might be explained by this article that describes ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria that I found through a Facebook friend. I understand that I have run many successful games and that one player, complaining about one bad game, shouldn't prevent me from being a Game Master. However, it doesn't matter to me that it was just one small incident, the idea of running a game just makes me anxious and panicky. What if more players complain? What if I a horrible GM? I only participated in this convention because I was invited. What if they just forgot to revoke my invitation?

This is an example. But anytime I get rejected or think I've been rejected, I usually just fold and leave. I don't fight, I don't stand up for myself. I just internalize and figure that I shouldn't have wasted anyone's time. I have left a lot of enjoyable activities because of this.

I think this article is the first time I realized that not everyone feels this way all the time. What's it like to plan to do something and not go through every scenario that will bring about failure, embarrassment and the ruination of my entire life? I printed out a copy of the article to bring to my therapist today and my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I think it bears discussion.

I feel like today's song choice is too obvious, but sometimes that's the way music is, especially when I feel like such a failure.