"Making all his nowhere plans for nobody..."

I told a friend today that I felt like a hot mess. Their response, "Don't we all?"

Wait, we do?

I saw my therapist a couple of days ago and discussed my concerns about rejection. One of the things she noted is that not only am I my own harshest critic, but she wonders how I could exist in the world and not know that most people have concerns about rejection, feeling like they aren't good enough.

Wait, we do?

I have a friend who is dating someone who is difficult. HK is known for their temper, their impulsiveness and their anger issues. I have only met HK on a few occasions but I was made very aware of their temperamental nature by mutual friends and my own experiences. HK is not subtle. I don't understand why my friend dates this person. I have my issues and I can be a bitch, but I would expect that if I were so well known as an angry and negative person, I wouldn't date much. Another friend is dating someone who really needs to know their schedule well ahead of time. It's not unreasonable, but the idea of being inflexible about scheduling because it's something I need has never occurred to me.

It's not that I think of myself as spineless. I guess I think of myself as very adaptable, but I suppose that is more that I am not very good at asking for my needs to be met. I mostly assume they won't be.

When I don't feel like my needs are going to be met, I withdraw. If I feel like I might impose, I withdraw more. I think I am very, very good at not being a bother and withdrawing. This is a lousy tactic, because what it mostly means is that I spend of a lot of my time trying to take up as little space as possible, alone and miserable.

My therapist says I need to accept that not everyone is going to like me. I also have to accept that I have needs and while not everyone might be inclined to meet them, having needs doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human and I can expect that if I am meeting someone's needs, they will want to meet mine. That's how most people in relationships act.

Wait, we do?

So paradigm shits and all that, such fun in middle age. I decided that I am going to try and be less of a pushover. It's already caused issues, so that's not been fun.

 At least today's song was an easy pick.